Losing Myself

I was walking home from the bus stop and realized that I wasn’t freaking out at walking by myself in the dark. The realization came to me that I had, in a sense, grown up since 3 years ago when I’d want to call someone to stay on the phone with me while I was walking home. Then I realized that a lot of changes had happened as I “grew up”. I’m not scared of the dark anymore. I’m not afraid of bussing alone at late hours. Sometimes I even feel scared of how…emotionless or cynical I’ve become.

Leehom’s song Lose Myself really resonated with me. I guess there’s a good and bad of losing myself. Losing my old self who would worry about everything and be scared over every single thing. My old self who would ruminate over and over those depreciating voices, those regretful memories, those sleepless nights full of tears. My old self who had so many fears and worries that I was constantly in anxiety, unable to control my thoughts. Losing myself. Slowly putting the memories behind me, dissociating the strong emotions that used to come from every reminder I saw. Learning to lose my pride in times when that extra effort is needed, when I learn about how much I actually don’t know. Learning to lose my self-consciousness and just do what I need to do. It seems selfish in a way to lose myself, leaving the memories and tears behind, my cares and worries. But losing myself and not thinking about myself anymore allows me to further strive towards my goals and think more about the big picture around me. To focus on the “now” and “to come”, losing myself takes a load off my shoulders that I had forced myself to carry. The future is more than enough to deal with! So I need to make losing my old self a gain for my future. Not to just forget all the bad, but to learn from them and put them away.

Perhaps I have no way out

There’s something constantly following me

Day and night I can’t stop remembering

It’s the only perfection I have left

To leave countless memories behind

To lose countless teardrops

Endless loss  Endless loss

I mustn’t think about myself anymore

I’ve got to lose myself

Like a forest burned down

Only deafening silence remains

Voices repeating

I don’t want to hear them anymore

I mustn’t think about myself anymore

I’ve got to lose myself

– Leehom Wang ft Avicii – Lose Myself (Eng trans)

 

Finding joy in the smallest of things

I’ve always known that I was easily amused, much to the amusement of my friends most of the time. I can find happiness and excitement in things that most people my age probably wouldn’t find interest in. I’ve already talked about my experience at Science World in an earlier post, but even just the smile of a kid can brighten my day. The silver lining on a cloud on a cloudy day, just a simple reminder that the sun is there behind it, the smile of kid on a bus when he turned around. I think it’s important to keep that innocent outlook on life. I don’t know when I started thinking that way, but it seems like it might just be part of my personality, passed down from my dad’s genes. Everything and anything can be interesting and exciting if you think of it in another way. I can get a laugh out of everything and anything. Sometimes it can be really hard not to burst out laughing because one of those thoughts came to mind in a situation where it is inappropriate to be laughing. Maybe that’s why I’ve grown to enjoy variety shows. They might be boring at times, not jam-packed with action and a story like in movies, but it’s the little bits of genius one-liners and friendly banter that I love. I also love watching dramas and variety shows which are so…real. Ones that show a celebrity’s everyday life, those depicting realistic situations and hardships, and Return of Superman’s interaction between father and child. There’s just something beyond the adorkably hot guys and cute babies that pull me in. It might seem boring or some may even miss all the little things, but if you look in the right places and from the right perspective, it’s easy to find joy, even when watching something that could be fake. The hope that they show, the perseverance in itself gives me joy.

Another song I want to share is also my current favourite song: Leehom Wang’s Now is the Time (王力宏 – 就是现在). He wanted the song to be an inspirational song that makes you want to get up and act on it, which I think he’s accomplished. Even though our situations are so different, the words encourage me to continue on. It encourages me, seeing how far he’s gone with his quest to bring the Eastern and Western world together through music, being an American born Chinese and learning Chinese at the age of 18. Through his 20 years in the music industry and now his expansion into the Western entertainment through his first Hollywood film “Blackhat”. I love the line “Now I understand the true meaning of luck. It’s when opportunity meets preparation.” It almost parallels my venture into Pharmacy. I might appear to have been “lucky” to get into pharmacy. It goes against the stereotype image that most people have of me in first impression: the quiet, shy, nerdy Asian. Pharmacists need to be good communicators and confident. Now is the time for me to break that image and show them what I’m made of. “My dream is not of the future, now is the time.” “I can’t count the tears, I can’t count the times I’ve fallen. But every time I failed or was knocked down, I always thought it was because I wasn’t good enough.” Countless tears, countless defeats, I also felt like it was because I wasn’t good enough. Maybe pharmacy wasn’t the route for me. But like a sign, I passed, and I can only work harder towards achieving what has now become a goal of mine. “This isn’t a coincidence. What didn’t kill me made me learn.” It’s my time now, to do this. It’s my dream now. Everything is right here in front of me, and all I need to do is take this opportunity and work hard for it. Even though I haven’t been doing the best in school, I’m thankful that I’ve made it this far. I never used to worry about passing school. Who knew that I will one day celebrate over a passing grade? I guess in a sense, it’s really brought me to understand how to appreciate all the little things. Things that I used to take for granted. Life isn’t all easy. Behind every smile, every accomplishment, every mark, are tears, hard work, and perseverance.