You get what you wish for 

RE: my last blog post. Stupidly I asked for it. And life served it to me on a golden platter. I just had an exam review for my lab practical end of term exam. And guess who didn’t pass. It doesn’t mean I fail the course, but that doesn’t make me feel any little bit better. It’s taking so much concentration and energy for me not to let the tears drop. I’ll have a good cry when I get home. Right now, I feel like freezing water was poured over top the grave I’m standing in. Not only buried alive 6 feet under but drowning and freezing too. I don’t know what to say. What words can I say. It was my fault. I don’t even want to blame it on the headache or depression/anxiety. It’s more that I imagined I would ever have to face. And it’ll just be an uphill climb from here. On an overhang. 

Come at me all at once why don’t you

When life is amazing, everything works out and happiness is overflowing. It peaks at the perfect timing and everything is beautiful. Likewise, when life sucks, it sucks to the suckiest it can ever get and all the worst things you can imagine happens. You’re already in a 6 foot deep grave and there’s a mountain of dirt just pouring over you like they’re trying to build the next Mount Everest. If you weren’t dead already, you’ll definitely be dead now.

With all that’s happened these past few days, I already felt my old friend of depression creeping up on me. The negative thoughts and actions buffeting on my weak stronghold of perseverance. It is all the more difficult to get up and go to classes. But a promise to myself is still a promise. And I’ll be needing to fulfill that promise even more now. I thought I had passed all my courses but it turns out I was mistaken. One of my marks was actually below 60% (the mark posted above 60% was just the running average of all marks that the computer automatically adds) which I found out when I got an email regarding the supplemental exam. If I haven’t already been feeling like a failure before, do I ever feel like a failure now. With another one of my dreams being to make my parents proud, it’ll be another dream crushed if I fail pharmacy. They say that they usually make the supplemental exam easier and they want us to pass, but it’s still very scary. I really need to up my game this term after I pass that supplemental exam. I can do this! Even when every fiber of my body wants to give up, I can’t give up. I’ve given all my life for this. I need to show them that I can do things, that I can work hard and become a person that they’re proud of.

Life, if there’s any more things you want to throw at me, go ahead. My will is stronger than ever and I will not give up. I’m betting my life on this.

Losing Myself

I was walking home from the bus stop and realized that I wasn’t freaking out at walking by myself in the dark. The realization came to me that I had, in a sense, grown up since 3 years ago when I’d want to call someone to stay on the phone with me while I was walking home. Then I realized that a lot of changes had happened as I “grew up”. I’m not scared of the dark anymore. I’m not afraid of bussing alone at late hours. Sometimes I even feel scared of how…emotionless or cynical I’ve become.

Leehom’s song Lose Myself really resonated with me. I guess there’s a good and bad of losing myself. Losing my old self who would worry about everything and be scared over every single thing. My old self who would ruminate over and over those depreciating voices, those regretful memories, those sleepless nights full of tears. My old self who had so many fears and worries that I was constantly in anxiety, unable to control my thoughts. Losing myself. Slowly putting the memories behind me, dissociating the strong emotions that used to come from every reminder I saw. Learning to lose my pride in times when that extra effort is needed, when I learn about how much I actually don’t know. Learning to lose my self-consciousness and just do what I need to do. It seems selfish in a way to lose myself, leaving the memories and tears behind, my cares and worries. But losing myself and not thinking about myself anymore allows me to further strive towards my goals and think more about the big picture around me. To focus on the “now” and “to come”, losing myself takes a load off my shoulders that I had forced myself to carry. The future is more than enough to deal with! So I need to make losing my old self a gain for my future. Not to just forget all the bad, but to learn from them and put them away.

Perhaps I have no way out

There’s something constantly following me

Day and night I can’t stop remembering

It’s the only perfection I have left

To leave countless memories behind

To lose countless teardrops

Endless loss  Endless loss

I mustn’t think about myself anymore

I’ve got to lose myself

Like a forest burned down

Only deafening silence remains

Voices repeating

I don’t want to hear them anymore

I mustn’t think about myself anymore

I’ve got to lose myself

– Leehom Wang ft Avicii – Lose Myself (Eng trans)