Losing happiness, growth, one crazy week

Summer school has already started, but it is nothing compared to what has happened this last week. The craziness began on Sunday, when I went to Science World with my friend. It’s probably been almost 10 years since I’ve last been there for field trips in elementary school! Being a total nerd like I am, or maybe I’m just very easily amused, I absolutely love Science World. I really do believe there’s no age limit for going to a place designed for kids. I go in there and it’s just so…FUN. Everything’s so colourful and interesting, and I love how science amazes me in all those different ways. Every activity in there is explained by science, seems magical, and is full of fun. I probably smiled the whole 4 hours. Oh how I miss my childhood! Even the documentary film we watched at the Omnimax theater was interesting! It was so educational but not boring at the same time, and I learned a lot more about butterflies than I ever thought was possible. All those units on butterflies in elementary school really were nothing! I guess you could say I’m a kid at heart. It doesn’t matter that I’m entering the next decade of my life in less than 2 weeks. Sometimes joy can be found in the littlest of things. You just have to allow yourself to let loose and enjoy it! I just hope my friend isn’t too embarrassed by me and will continue to go do crazy things with me!

Speaking of childhood and happiness, I have come to a theory that we lose happiness as we grow older. Children are born innocent, a blank page onto whom we write their life story. Nature vs nurture. I really do think that nurture plays a bigger part in our lives. Children see everything in their innocent eyes and everything is so interesting to them. Trust me, my mom always reminded me how I used to sit for hours in front of the TV watching people build houses…yeah anything can be interesting to a kid. They don’t understand what boredom is. They might cry a lot, but they don’t know what emotional pain is. They haven’t experienced the real pains of life. As we grow older, we see more things, we understand more, and experience more. We have more memories, good and bad. There’s more responsibilities to think about and people to care about. It just seems easier to feel sad when we get older, and harder to feel happy. Of course there are people who have learned to come to terms with themselves and be content, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll be happy 24/7. I guess we just have to find that happiness and contentment. People say I’m easily amused? I don’t mind. It’s rare that I’m able to let myself go and smile, not worrying about all the thoughts in my mind.

Regarding the last post about visiting the senior home, I did end up going early last week and I don’t think I will continue going. I just can’t face it. Two of the people I usually visit were gone. It seems that as we grow older, we also accumulate more regrets. Oh how I wish I had gone to visit them more often, if I had only forced myself out of my shell to go visit them. Some people say that old people are grouchy and a nuisance. Well, they have a whole bookful of stories and regrets, what do you expect? I really want to befriend new people there and make it so that they can also fill pages with some happy memories. But I just don’t think I can take it anymore. Wear and tear, I get too emotionally attached and I don’t think I can bear seeing another one of them leave me. I sure hope I don’t get to live too long, I’d probably die inside watching all my family and friends leave me. Life’s hard.

Regarding the other post about my mom wanting me to volunteer at a pharmacy (this post is kind of like a follow-up for all those promises and wishes I had written about), I did end up finding a pharmacy to volunteer at. What changed my mind? I guess seeing that life is short. People can be gone in a year, in the blink of an eye. My mom hurt her back recently and I really saw how people age quickly. I don’t want to have regrets with my parents like I did with others. She worries that I won’t get a job when I graduate and there’s tons of other stuff she probably worries about as well. Worries and stress takes a toll on you emotionally and physically and I’d rather not be the cause of her worries. So for her mother’s day present, I surprised her by letting her know of my volunteering and how I’ll be continuing this week. Am I forcing myself to do this? Kind of. It’s tiring, but I can tell that she’s feeling better about my future with me listening to her.

Growth. We all learn and experience different things that can change our life. And only we ourselves can choose how to react to them. We can be told what to do, but in the end, the ending of the stories are written by us. The scene may be set for us and some parts are filled, but there’s still lots that are still yet to be written. As for me, I’m going to write the best story that I can. Stories can always have a twist.

Time flies. Really. Really fast.

Reading break this year has been…a mental war in the trenches. It didn’t help that I was PMS-ing the week before, on the verge of tears almost all the time. So, my emotions were already all over the place. Then, I start stressing out over the use of my time during reading break. Of course I hoped to use my time wisely and study lots, but it just got too intense in the trench warfare. I don’t even know if I want to fast-forward time or slow down time. I was so tired and I just needed to really take a “break” during reading break. Then the whole cycle begins, never-ending. They’re at a standoff – studying or relaxing, one or the either. Staring each other in the eye, the tension feels as if it’s going to make my brain explode. Each reasoning thought takes a walk in the minefield. It gets so stressful and tiring. It’s even more stressful and tiring than studying itself I bet! And most of these episodes last quite a while…when I look at the clock periodically, an hour has passed. And of course, to give my mind a break, I watch pointless but entertaining YouTube videos. Another hour passes. Then another. And subconsciously, it’s back to the battlefield. It’s so frustrating and I feel as though I’m going to fail myself either way. I can’t get over the fear of this trench warfare. And so the clock keeps on ticking, everything’s stressed, and fear storms in. How is school going to be these upcoming weeks? Intense. I can only hope that I can get myself back on track, clear my mind, and focus on what I need to do without thinking too much. And yes, that is too much to ask of my poor strategic war-torn brain.

Rest

It. Is. Finally. Reading. Week. This whole term, (I don’t know if it’s because we are supposed to be used to university life now), seemed a lot harder and packed with assignments and things to learn. Needless to say, it has been stressful. Now, there is one week of rest, not having to wake up at 6:30 and not having to stay up studying is bliss. Of course, it’s only a week, but there’s been so much that I’ve wanted to do but never found the time to. Also, my body needs the rest. I gauge how tired I am  based on how long my naps are. I nap habitually, and they average around two hours, mostly because I know I have to do work when I wake up. Today, not having to worry about work due Monday and being way overdue for a good rest, I had a four hour nap, paradise. Our bodies do need a break sometimes. It’s not just our brains that gets tired when we are stressed. Stress takes a toll on our bodies as well. At a lecture given by a psychoneuroimmunologist, I learnt how stress affects our immune system. Small levels of stress gives a boost in our immune system, but after prolonged periods of stress, our immune systems are more susceptible to infections/viruses. Rest is necessary, even when we sometimes feel superhuman being able to sleep only a few hours a night and still be able to think clearly for a test. Caring for our bodies is just as important as getting that “A”. Who cares if we become successful if we shave years off precious years of our life that we could have lived in our success?