Resilience. 

the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness

I always thought I didn’t have resilience. If I had resilience, I would not have depression. If I had resilience, I would not have such a hard time when something happens and knocks me down. If I had resilience, I could deal with things better. I wouldn’t feel so much stress and anxiety. If I had resilience, I would be a better person. Or so I thought. I always felt bad for my parents, that they tried so hard to bring us up in the best care possible but I “failed” them by having so many problems with life. I think I mentioned before how much it hurt when I heard my dad sharing about a book he read on resilience and how those who lived with their grandparents or other extended family would have greater resilience…but I didn’t.

A conversation with my mentor has reminded me that we are all resilient in some way. She says that I’m actually very resilient. Having made it this far in pharmacy despite it not being something I was passionate in while having to deal with my chronic migraines and depression/anxiety. Having passed all my courses thus far despite having almost failed or having failed and having to write a supplemental. Being able to keep on going despite everything life has thrown at me with family hardships and just a lot of stress from everything. There were so many times that I felt like giving up. But I didn’t. I had believed that every time I momentarily got stuck or had my depressive episodes, my thoughts were right: I was a failure. When I didn’t do well on an exam despite my hard work or did poorly on a lab, I thought I was a failure. Those thoughts were all lies. And I never thought from another perspective that thinking of myself as a failure didn’t mean that I was weak and not resilient. Failing doesn’t mean that I’m a failure. Resilience is based on the actions that I do in lieu of what happened. Whether I get back up and keep going. It is not just a personality characteristic that you have or don’t have. It’s something anyone achieve, although some just might find it easier than others. You can become resilient through different ways with different experiences. There’s got to be a reason why I’m still hanging in there and passing school. And I’m not going to give up until I learn what it is.

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You get what you wish for 

RE: my last blog post. Stupidly I asked for it. And life served it to me on a golden platter. I just had an exam review for my lab practical end of term exam. And guess who didn’t pass. It doesn’t mean I fail the course, but that doesn’t make me feel any little bit better. It’s taking so much concentration and energy for me not to let the tears drop. I’ll have a good cry when I get home. Right now, I feel like freezing water was poured over top the grave I’m standing in. Not only buried alive 6 feet under but drowning and freezing too. I don’t know what to say. What words can I say. It was my fault. I don’t even want to blame it on the headache or depression/anxiety. It’s more that I imagined I would ever have to face. And it’ll just be an uphill climb from here. On an overhang. 

Learning to fail.

I should’ve been a turtle instead of a human. I love hiding in the comfort of a shell whether it be metaphorically or literally. I also run from all my problems and “hide”. I haven’t learned how to stand my ground and face my problems. Like my feelings of failure, I ended up doing nothing and stay in bed for two days, curling up in the dark and crying. I felt so lost because I found my shell, the comfort of my blanket in my bed, and didn’t know how to get out of it. It’s a big world out there. Today, I had to force myself out of that “place” and go to work. It was a long day and hectic, but it helped me to somewhat get out of that shell and be able to even talk about my marks as a family. I told my parents, but we hadn’t discussed it. (Yeah I actually tell my parents my marks, good and bad!) I guess actually interacting with people took my mind off of the focus of beating myself up. I know no one’s perfect, and I’m definitely not perfect. But, there’s still this stupid part of me that just wants to be “good enough” aka perfect. It’s good to have an ambition and goals, but food for thought: what do you do when you fail to reach those goals? Do you make new goals? Lower your expectations? Strive even harder? Go crazy? Give up? Cry in a hole? These questions have been whirling around in my head. I feel as though I’m a toddler who’s been crawling and feeling confident about it, scared to walk. I’ve taken a few steps, but I’ve fallen and found it hard to get up so I’ve resorted to sucking my thumb and just sitting there (or something like that). It’s a steep learning curve when you fall down/fail. I’m sure everyone will fail a test in their lifetime or fail at something. It’s only the beginning. And I have to remind myself that I don’t have all the time in the world to curl up in a ball and rot by myself. I’ve got family and friends to care about, a job to do, education to finish, and a career and life ahead of me. Everyone’s days are numbered. How we use it…now that’s a different story. It’s not going to be easy, but I can’t run away from everything. At least I got the first step out of the way, a taste of actual failure. Bittersweet. 

PS: I know my feelings are like a bouncing ball, same with my thoughts. Sorry! I don’t have anything to say except…I AM a female…?!