In the end, the biggest disappointment is in myself.

So finals are finally over, all 9 courses of Term 1 is done. But instead of joy and relief, I always tend to feel tired and depressed at the end of exam seasons. Well, being tired and drained is a given (and normally sick too) from all that energy spent trudging on with the endless mountainous terrain of exams, but the depression comes back at this time as well. I knew it wouldn’t be so easy to get rid of depression. Having just let it stay there for a good few years, it’s hard to get out of. And it’s so easy to go back. Especially when I grow older, realize more, and find more disappointments with myself. What happened to the old me? The me who would strive for the greatest and be able to achieve it? Now, my standards have dropped so low it’s embarrassing for me. Rather than be proud that I’m in pharmacy and passing, a future healthcare professional like how others may think, I still see myself as a failure. Is it the depression talking or just facing reality? I look at my marks and I’m barely passing. Is it because I’m actually stupid contrary to everyone’s belief or the effects of life has just made me more stupid? Heck, it might even be the medications I take everyday. Or the material is just too hard for me and I wasn’t ready for this. I am stupid either way, so why do people still look up to me?! Just because I’m in “pharmacy”. It’s so hard for me to accept that a pass is something to celebrate over. It isn’t. And I’m so disappointed in myself that I would even dare to think that way. But I just feel like with everything going on, I’ve already tried the best I can to fix and turn around this life of mine that I need to find the contentment with myself. If only it was that easy to turn back time and try again. To not let depression and anxiety cage me in like it always does. When will I finally be able to be content with my life and what I’ve done with it? To what degree can I try that it becomes good enough despite disappointing results? How can I forgive myself for being such a failure and disappointment in my eyes?

My parents know about my depression and anxiety, and they like to “reassure” me that they don’t want to give me pressure and for me to just do my best. I KNOW that they don’t want to give me pressure. And I now think that it isn’t the pressure that I’m feeling. Depression and anxiety ARE mental disorders after all. Schizophrenia’s a mental disorder. Ah maybe I should go for more counselling. But they just say the same things, and it’s always easier said than done. It seems like a lonely uphill battle, but people have gone through it and come out stronger. It’s scary thinking that I might become a bigger disappointment if I fail in this area too, but it’s scarier to think that I will be like this for the rest of my life. I guess I wouldn’t feel as much self-hate and disappointment if there weren’t such successes to strive for. And then I can hear the old me telling me that I’m still here, I still wish to do well and make my parents proud. And that voice is enough. Enough to put away my embarrassment and disappointment and to keep going. To fulfill that dream and bring the old me back. To just try my best again and continue through life. To remember that even if I think that I’m a disappointment, there are people who love me despite that and that I should love myself too. Because I’ve tried my best and it’s the best I could do. It’s okay.

Dying inside.

My first failed test in my life. I can’t explain how I’m feeling inside. It’s like I feel like the whole life of mine has crashed into a wall of cement plastered with failure all over it. I lost the drive. I think that the extra expectation from everyone else for me to do well built that wall to be a stronghold. Granted the test was the 3rd of 3 exams in 3 days and left me one day to study, but there are no excuses. I could have better used my time, got on top of things during the term, and done better. At least the class is a two term course, so I can still make up for it. It doesn’t matter that I have a chronic headache. I don’t care. I have yet to cry (I’ll leave that for my ‘cry myself to sleep’ episode), but I’ve been crying inside all day. I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t know how to deal with this new feeling.

After finding out 3 more of my marks. I barely passed the final for one and ended up with a final mark below average. It’s so depressing to think how it’s my first course below average. I don’t know whether it discourages and brings down my expectations or encourages me to work harder, it’s scary. The other 2 marks were A+, but that does little to console my feelings. I can’t help but dwell on the bad things. It’s always easier to feel the rain than find the rainbow! I just feel like such a failure. Everyone says I’m smart, hardworking, etc, but I’m not! Here’s to prove it!!! I just want to dig a hole and sleep forever. My headache is killing me since last nights crying. Not getting into the Christmas spirit, and it’s even snowing outside. I feel so lonely in my sadness.

The only thing that made me smile in the last 24 hours is this blog, surprisingly. It’s officially been a year since I first started this blog. And I also passed 1000 views. It’s crazy just thinking about it. I never expected to even have any views, with the sole purpose of just getting out these thoughts, but I hope that maybe whoever is reading these posts can relate and find my perspective helpful or interesting to say the least. I guess the conclusion of this post and my black hole is that there’s always some sort of light at the end of every tunnel, though it may be small and far from the exit. That little light might be just enough to keep you going until you reach the end of the tunnel or find a way to keep going.

Sleepwalking through life

I’m so bored of studying. Was up til 6 am to study for my bio final which is in an hour. My brain is pretty fried, so I to pass time, here’s something I typed up once on the bus. Sorry it’s been really busy and I haven’t had time to write anything! Finals sure are tough!! 

I’ve heard that when someone sleepwalks, it’s best to not wake them up. It’s actually safer to let them do what they’re currently doing asleep; whether it be climbing on something or whatever. This made me realize how my routines have gotten me to do a similar sort of thing. If I get used to doing something, it becomes so natural to me that if I stop and think about what I’m doing, I’ll question what I’m actually doing. I could be walking to class on my usual route and if I think about it, I would have a mini panic attack and wonder if I’m going to the right class. And let me tell you, those panic attacks always hit me kind of hard. Like waking up. So it’s kind of like sleepwalking? However, I’m awake when I do this…so…am I sleepwalking through life?? What does that mean? Haha I wish I had the answers to that, but I’ve come up with nothing yet. Just some food for thought.

On the same topic of sleep, the previous week seems like I’ve been drowsy all the time, feeling like I’m living in a dream. I should have been studying for finals (and probably would have prevented sleeping at 6 am), but instead I was watching this drama, sleeping, doing anything BUT studying. And I don’t know why but I wasn’t feeling hungry either. I would eat half, if not less, than what I usually eat at meals. I usually snack when I study, but I wouldn’t feel like eating now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s the unseen pressure and stress from exams that I’m not letting myself think about so it’s showing up in different ways. Maybe. 

I sure can’t wait until this week is over.  2 weeks of freedom before going back to school. Lovely.