Avalanche

Why is it that life always either stops at a standstill or races so that I’m hanging on for dear life? When I want to keep rushing into things, it makes me rest and slow down. When I want to just lay around doing nothing, it suddenly opens all the doors. The last month has been a downhill race, as things suddenly sped up and everything started happening. This little snowball of me having a life at home just sleeping, eating, and watching kdramas never imagined that it would end up halfway down the mountain, and picking up all sorts of things left and right as it went. It all started when an acquaintance told my mom that their pharmacy was hiring. Then I reconnected with her and met her two adorably energetic grandkids who killed me a few times, loved to dance, and always had me read each book twice. Then suddenly, I had an interview in a few days after. And voila, I had a part-time job for the next little while. And volunteering is getting set up as well to happen in the next little while too. So here I am, wondering if I had inadvertently rolled a snowball that was too big for me to handle.

I’m half excited for the upcoming months and what new connections and experiences will bring, but also half nervous to suddenly be at the doorway to so many “unknowns”. Am I ready for all this? Nope. Hardly. But again, when have I ever been ready for the things life has thrown mercilessly at me? All I can do now is admire the snowy scenery on the way and survive it. Cuz you never know if it’ll roll to a stop or crash. And the snowball you made in your palm can either become a snowman or an avalanche. Isn’t this the beauty of life?

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a failure.

I am a people-pleaser. As long as I can remember, I wanted people to like me. Well, who doesn’t? But it became the goal of my life. To do what people wanted me to do, to be who people wanted me to be. I changed my personality in Grade 2 from a cheerful, carefree kid to become a reserved, quiet kid to appease my best friend. She said I was a smart aleck and teacher’s pet and if I continued raising my hand all the time, she wouldn’t be my friend anymore. To please her, I did whatever she wanted. Friendship was that important to me, even back in Grade 2. If I could go back, would I do things differently? Yes, definitely. I would look at myself, ask if I was being a smart aleck, and tone it down if I was, but not shut down and do whatever she wanted. If she’s trying to control me like that by threatening me, then frankly she wasn’t worth my time. We’re still friends, but there are times when I can see our kid-personalities showing through. Everyone’s still growing up and finding themselves. 

Being a people-pleaser, I’m extremely scared of failing. Not exactly the failing below 50% failing, but failing people’s expectations. As a result of trying to reach everyone else’s expectations, my expectations are very high. It’s almost impossible to accept myself for who I am. I hate being a failure to people and to myself. I’m always thinking (and commonly overthinking), and after today, I’ve learned yet a little bit more about “why”. I dropped a bowl of soup today which shattered into pieces. My family immediately started berating me, basically stating how I was a failure and can’t even hold a bowl of soup properly. I’m always compared to the worst people who would be termed “failures” in life. My cousins who are high school dropouts, aunts who are lazy and don’t try to succeed in life, etc. How do they expect me to succeed when all I hear is what a failure I am? My good grades? Doesn’t matter. I’m a failure at being the good daughter, I spend too much time talking to friends, I could have studied more and gotten even better grades, and I’ll never change. Hey maybe that’s why I like talking to friends, because they accept me for who I am and don’t pick on my downfalls. Nobody is perfect. 

Sigh, I really just want to prove them wrong, show that I’m not a failure. But I wonder at times, if it’s worth the trouble. Why don’t I just be a failure and show them what that actually means? How I would really be if I was a “failure” since they seem to think of me that way anways? Yeah, when I’m down, I like listening to songs like Get Back Up by TobyMac or other motivational songs about never giving up and looking for silver linings. But, how do I get up when I’m just constantly pushed down? It’s an additional weight for me to push against. I’m just so tired of getting up under these conditions. Life is tiring. Pleasing people is tiring. I’m honestly scared that someday I’m going to break and just look for love in a stupid place, where someone will lie to me, say they love me, and hurt me. I guess for now I’ll just have to keep telling myself that I’m worthy and able to succeed at the things I do. Like a flower growing between the cracks of the sidewalk, trod on under so many footsteps, I’ll try to keep growing because as long as I have the sun, water, and nutrients, I can grow and get stronger.