For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth. ~Bo Bennett

My mom recently bought a pack of the “Hello Panda” crackers, a version of the “Koala’s March” crackers. I had watched a video of a celeb obsession of mine and his bandmates shaking “Koala’s March” boxes and another video of his results, achieving a perfect round chocolate sphere. I was amazed and wanted to share with my mom and my brother what I thought was pretty cool. Their reactions didn’t disappoint me. An argument began (as always) and “It’s impossible” “ask your smart friends if it’s possible” “it’s fake, he just rolled it into a ball” ensued. (I did look it up online and there was an asian craze recently over the Koala’s March sphere shaking. It’s hard to do, but it is possible!) I swear, I’m going to prove it to them by doing it after I buy myself one of those Koala’s March crackers. 

But it’s always been like this. They say I believe too easily. Is it so wrong to believe in the good side of other people? Not everyone is out there to trick you! Yes, there are people who don’t seem that “good” to them, but they have a good side to them! No one is perfectly evil and despicable. How would they like it if it was flipped around and they were the ones being judged and talked about? It’s so frustrating sometimes. Also, where are their feelings?! Showing my mom a video of my current obsession Jam Hsiao being emotional at his concert after helping facilitate a proposal with his song “Marry Me”, she only wondered why he was tearing up. I told her how I agreed with fans who had commented, saying that he was so real. (He’s so awkward, but so adorable and honest!) She questioned whether it was for “show”. I bet I would’ve been teary-eyed seeing the happiness and love between two people who I just helped get engaged! There’s something about being in the moment of things, the atmosphere, that even happy things can lead to tears. I don’t know about her, but I’ve been teary eyed at every movie I watched in theatres during the sad and happy parts. I’ve cried over receiving thoughtful presents from friends. Is it just me being a crybaby? Or is it them? Are they just cynical about everything? Is my trust in things too naive? Sometimes I just wish people could just be happy and trust what they see/feel instead of doubting everything. The world would be much simpler. Trusting might mean being vulnerable to mistakes and pain, but why not take a risk? Who knows what will happen? Trust your heart, trust yourself. 

In your dreams! Pt. 2

Dreams are oh so annoying. I don’t know how other people’s dreams appear, but mine seems so fantasized I know that it’s not true, but it still rattles my feelings. It’s almost like I’m experiencing a movie. I know it’s not true but it seems real nonetheless. This morning, I awoke from a dream about a guy who I swear I’m so over with by now! Like seriously, brain?! What are you thinking or doing??? It’s so frustrating sometimes. I haven’t thought about him since forever and then such a good dream like that decides to pop up in my unsuspecting mind. In my dream, we were colouring paper cutout of eggs to decorate this Easter basket with my brother. I didn’t see how well my brother did, but my oh my was HIS colouring so pretty! He was really fast too…so fast that I didn’t even see him colouring. I just remember him talking to me and my brother and being super nice as always. It was funny though when he said that my brother was very straightforward and that he liked it about him. Must’ve been my subconscious thinking that about my brother! On a side note – my colouring was so ugly it was embarrassing. Now I know for sure it was a dream that can’t come true because I have beautiful colouring – just kidding! The markers were horrible; I’ll blame that. My yellow marker turned blue halfway for no reason at all, then all three yellow markers turned blue or ran out. I’m not sure what we did about that because that was when I woke up. I woke up all drowsy, sigh.

Ok let’s dissect my dream with the dictionary from “Dream Moods” and see how it goes…

To see Easter eggs in your dream symbolize potential, bewilderment and wonder. You need to recognize that potential and unleash it. The dream may also be symbolic with the passage of time. – Ok I’m not seeing any potential anywhere!

To see or use markers in you dream represent your creativity. Perhaps you need to introduce some liveliness in your life. Consider the significance of the marker color. Alternatively, the dream may be telling you that there is something you need to “mark” down or remember. – I think it’s the need to introduce some liveliness into my life. School is killing me! And yes, I’m so creative that I decide to colour outside the lines in my dream (I’m totally thinking outside the box!).

The color yellow has both positive and negative connotations. If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom. On the other hand, if the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color represents deceit, disgrace, betrayal, cowardice and sickness. You have a fear or an inability to make a decision or to take action. Your desire to please others is at the risk of sacrificing your own needs and happiness. As a result, you are experiencing many setbacks. – Yup the dream sure was pleasant! How come I feel as though all these good things are things I want and don’t feel like I can get?? My feelings fit more with the “unpleasant” dream! I have too many fears of the future, of making mistakes, of everything!

Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind. Alternatively, the color blue may also be a metaphor for “being blue” and feeling sad. – The yellow turned blue so I guess I’m becoming unhappy? Or I’m trying to get away from the unpleasant feelings of yellow (I can’t imagine yellow other than being a bright happy sunshine colour though).

To see your brother in your dream symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with him. It can also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has certain characteristics or behaviors similar to your brother. – Hmm….I guess it showed that our relationship has matured. We can talk about things and he can be straightforward. We can share with each other our deeper thoughts and feelings and discuss our problems together. He’s always ready to share how he thinks about me with nothing withheld, that’s for sure!

To see your crush in your dream represents your current infatuation with her or him. – WHAT?? STILL?? NO WAY…! It’s been 5 years…stupid feelings!

So…I guess my dream interpretation didn’t really succeed or fail, but it really makes me wonder whether or not it IS my subconscious. Or it’s just random! Like Mad Gabs, my brain decided to piece together this story and broadcast it in my mind. Silly brain! Get a new character please. But honestly, I don’t know if I believe in the “it’s a sign” type of stuff. What I do believe about dreams is that they are made up of our own thoughts and feelings towards certain things. And of course, everyone’s thoughts and feelings towards a certain thing might be totally different – even yellow has so many interpretations! Our uniqueness is what makes dreams so intriguing because some things just can’t be explained. We can come up with theories and interpretations, but sometimes there just aren’t “facts”. Not everything is black or white. There are many parts of life that we wish were only black or white, but gray does exist.

Treading treacherous waters

I remember those days of swimming lessons. Oh how I hated them! I had a bad experience with water at 5 years old where I guess my head was too heavy for my body and I had tipped over on the edge of a beach. My head was submerged in water and I was somewhat “stuck” in that awkward position. Water went up my nose and it was just horrible. I still dislike swimming and getting wet to this day (showers are fine of course!). But my favourite part of swim lessons was learning to tread water. “Pretend you’re paddling a bike underwater”, “move your arms like you’re hugging a teddy bear” was how the instructors would describe it to us. Why did I like treading water in the deep end of the pool?? Simply because my face could be kept out of the water and the movements weren’t large enough like swimming on your back to splash water up onto my face. Since I was sick with the flu last weekend, I got behind a lot of the readings and studying for my courses. It feels like I’m drowning in the deep end. Treading water only works if your head stays above the water! I feel as though even if I get to the surface of the water and catch up, classes still continue on and the pool water just keeps increasing higher and higher over my head. I might get a breath of air, but hardly. There really is no time for a break. The only light I can see is reading week and even that I’m afraid may drop me into the deep end again. Yup, I’m screwed. If only it was possible to walk on water!

Race, you little raindrops, race!

On a “brighter” note, it’s been pouring rain this whole week so far. And will probably be raining the rest of the week as well. Although I’m scared of the wind and thunder associated with the stormy weather, dislike the sound of rain, and hate getting wet, it’s oddly soothing. While on the bus, I was staring at the raindrops streaking across the windows and was reminded of when I was younger. I would stare out the car window at the raindrops rolling and streaking down the window, in their raindrop “race”. Along the way, some are not heavy or big enough to fall all the way down and would have to “gobble” up the little raindrops who got stuck in their path to make more weight for gravity’s pull to the finish line. They didn’t have to do anything but just land on the window, but my young self would always silently cheer on one or the other. There was just something about seeing their slow path through the raindrop-spotted window that intrigued me. Sometimes they would get stuck until another raindrop inadvertently lands on them, pushing them down. Some were slow and crawled painfully to the bottom. Others would streak past to the end. I guess its always exciting to see things go to the end even if they were dropping onto the streets into a puddle. When we can see the finish line in the things we do, it makes everything worth it. Everyone has their own method and path to the finish line. Yours may be different than everyone else’s and may be quick and easy or slow or painful, but they’ll all get there. Well…except for those really small raindrops who stay at the top of the window and evaporate…but that’s another story! 

My disappearance into the New Year

This post took me forever to finish due to the emotions associated with it and also the craziness of everything going on in my mind. First off, Merry belated Christmas and Happy belated 2014!

December 28th, 2013:
I get easily emotionally attached to things personally and I also find it easy (TOO easy) to get emotional in general. I remember the first time I learned the meaning of empathy and the difference of it from sympathy. Empathy was to actually put yourself in their shoes and feel how they feel and not just to feel sorry for them. To share their feelings and understanding their condition from their perspective. I first really empathized with someone in grade 5. It was the first time I felt so connected with someone. It was also the first time I saw my dad cry. I couldn’t help but start crying. I was so confused to the feelings I were feeling because I wasn’t part of it and my dad didn’t tell me anything, but just seeing how hurt he was made me hurt alongside him. From then on, every time he cried, I would feel like crying. Maybe it’s because he never cries. The second time that happened was when my grandma passed away. I remember that scene so vividly. My brother, my mom, and I arrived late and saw three of my aunts there crying and my dad comforting them. I guess it’s his way of busying himself with comforting others so that his emotions can be controlled. He kept telling them it’s okay and comforting them although he was probably the one who hurt the most, being the one who you could tell loved my grandma the most. No one did anything to comfort him although I knew the pain he would be feeling. Like hello…it’s his mom too! I went up to hug him and he just kept saying “it’s okay, it’s okay” over and over in my ear. There was nothing more I wanted to do than be able to do something for him, to help him. But I didn’t know how, and I still don’t know how. I only know that if I try to comfort him, I’d end up crying and I know that would make it harder for him.

When we saw on Facebook yesterday that his best friend from high school passed away after being hospitalized following a car accident on the other side of the country, I knew he had to know but didn’t want to tell him. It pains me to hear him asking if I’m okay because I know he’s not. I barely knew his friend! I’ve seen him when he came back for the holidays, but don’t really have any memories of him except for what my dad told me about their high school days. I just wish there was something I could do for him. Even though it’s not my best friend who passed away, I can almost feel what it would be like if it was one of my best friends from elementary school who I got the news about. I would be devastated. Life is oh so fragile. Things happen, things you can’t control. You might be the nicest person ever and you could be gone in an accident that no one could anticipate.

January 8th, 2014:
I think that another reason why I would go out of my way to care for others is because I don’t really feel like I’m cared for. I know my family love me for who I am and everything, but they aren’t that empathizing. (Sorry about the whole thing on empathy, we had to learn empathy responses in school.) When I was dealing with my feelings of being a failure, they weren’t even sympathetic. It was just words to them, not feelings. Same with when I tell them I’ve been feeling depressed. They just brush it off. Even my period of headaches, they somehow make it my fault even if it is not confirmed whether it’s due to stress or my health or something else. But it’s hard to keep caring for people when you don’t get reciprocated. All my energy I would put into them and I’m left drained. Not being understood makes it very difficult for me to actually reach out to them, so I withdraw.

The rest of the break was very…bland. I didn’t want to leave the house, meet up with people, go out to eat…I honestly just wanted to sleep everything away. I wasn’t able to sleep until 5 am for many days. Trying to sleep would just end up with me thinking too much and so I would distract myself by watching dramas or going on Facebook (anything!) until I was tired enough to fall asleep without wanting to cry about everything. The holidays didn’t feel very festive for me this year. Christmas just seemed like another day. Same with New Years. I didn’t even feel like counting down. Usually I would be the one sending texts to my friends at exactly 12:00 am on those days but it just felt so tiring and unimportant. With everything that went on, I’ve realized how I need to really make my life worthwhile. Although I wasted this winter break away in my pit of depression, life still goes on. If I die, how will I be remembered? What is it that I want to do with my life before I die?

School’s started this week and I’ve made an extra effort to do well. I force myself to sleep by 12:00 am. It may seem late, but it’s relatively early compared to the 5:00 am bedtimes I’ve been having. I also do pre-readings now of the powerpoints and review them after. I guess you could say that I don’t want to go through the feeling of failing again. However, as I do all this, I have this feeling of fear at the back of my mind. What if I’m too stupid and still fail? What if I can’t keep this up for the whole term? So many what ifs! So many chances to regret! I’m even scared to make a New Year’s resolution for fear of failing THAT. My thoughts are still a tornado, but I just know one thing: I need to try no matter what. “Never give up”. Such simple words yet so difficult to do when you’re beaten up and tired. I guess sometimes you just have to be like Dory in Finding Nemo: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming~