Feeling out of my skin

So recently, still on my “no regrets” 2013 new years resolution I have, I’ve been out of my comfort zone a lot. Today, I wore a different jacket than my usually full black attire and I felt so self-conscious. (yes it doesn’t seem like a drastic change, but to me it was very very hard) My mom had been nagging me to wear the jacket for two weeks now, one my aunt had gotten me from her recent trip to Hong Kong, a green army coloured patterned bomber jacket. I felt like I was wearing someone else’s clothes; it just didn’t feel…right. Then of course, I thought more about it and this concept of being out of my comfort zone, and it’s almost like acting. I hate being on stage, but life is a stage (excuse the cliché).

When we do things we aren’t used to or don’t really want to do, we act. Volunteering at a new place, I answer the phone calls, and as I am not very used to talking to strangers and asking them for their information, I kind of “act” when I answer phone calls. I have to sound mature, assertive, and like I know what I’m doing. Sometimes it’s very hard to act since I was still learning the gist of the tasks and I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. It’s not that extreme of acting like in plays and movies, but it’s still a type of acting, playing a character that you might not be like otherwise. I guess I’ll adapt and get used to being that character and who knows? Like how some people may become so used to their character offstage and live that double life, I may too. I just hope that I won’t lose myself in the process. 

On the topic of being out of my skin, abstractly, it feels like I’m literally out of my skin. The past few days I’ve been feeling like I’m looking at my life from the outside. Everything seems to be going well and I’m just going along for a ride. It slightly scares me because life usually gives me something to sober on in times like this, but I’m trying to enjoy it while I can. This happy floating feeling isn’t that bad when you don’t have to worry about the bad thing that might happen. 

Sideways Figure Eights

How long is forever? I always try to think about it and my brain starts hurting because in no way can I imagine eternity. It’s just impossible to wrap my head around it. I think its the same for everyone else? I think? For people who believe in life after death, then really, this world, this life, would be nothing compared to that eternity. Just trying think about it, I dare you. It guarantees a headache. =)

It’s funny how there are many instances that we can get a taste of just what eternity is like. In an embarrassing situation, the earth just won’t swallow us up and we feel like that time has stopped forever. Or, we are in a state of depression when everything is so bleak and nothing seems to ever go right and time just drags on and on and on. Rarely do we think of happiness as a preview of eternity since time seems to fly when we are happy. However, if indeed a place like heaven exists, then eternity would be endless joy. Our life is just a taste of eternity that is to come. Thinking too hard and my brain is starting to hurt so I’ll just leave it as this. 

Infinity can be thought of as that abstract mind-boggling subject, or just a sideway figure eight, it’s all in perspective. Sometimes a different perspective may be just what we need. All in all, the right perspective makes all the difference. 

Winnie the Pooh <3

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<img src="https://w0rdsiwouldsay.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/pooh.jpg&quot; class="size-full" alt="Winnie the Pooh

Sometimes things in life loses its meaning in translation. Some words are just better said and have more meaning in a different language. Likewise, the method of conversation could also add to or take away from its meaning. Looking into someone’s eyes and feeling their love for you adds a lot more weight to them rather than just saying I love you. On the other hand, texting someone frequently loses its context and meaning as a text doesn’t give us much to work with. Shortened words, mistakes, spelling, punctuation, you can “hear” their voice in a completely different manner than they wanted it to be. You think they’re mad at you when they’re actually smiling while typing that, trying to be funny. Don’t get me wrong, texting is very convenient and fun when both sides get the gist of the manner of conversation, but it can limit people in their expressions. Like how we can see in the oh so cute classic Pooh. Some people might just never get what we are trying to say!

a failure.

I am a people-pleaser. As long as I can remember, I wanted people to like me. Well, who doesn’t? But it became the goal of my life. To do what people wanted me to do, to be who people wanted me to be. I changed my personality in Grade 2 from a cheerful, carefree kid to become a reserved, quiet kid to appease my best friend. She said I was a smart aleck and teacher’s pet and if I continued raising my hand all the time, she wouldn’t be my friend anymore. To please her, I did whatever she wanted. Friendship was that important to me, even back in Grade 2. If I could go back, would I do things differently? Yes, definitely. I would look at myself, ask if I was being a smart aleck, and tone it down if I was, but not shut down and do whatever she wanted. If she’s trying to control me like that by threatening me, then frankly she wasn’t worth my time. We’re still friends, but there are times when I can see our kid-personalities showing through. Everyone’s still growing up and finding themselves. 

Being a people-pleaser, I’m extremely scared of failing. Not exactly the failing below 50% failing, but failing people’s expectations. As a result of trying to reach everyone else’s expectations, my expectations are very high. It’s almost impossible to accept myself for who I am. I hate being a failure to people and to myself. I’m always thinking (and commonly overthinking), and after today, I’ve learned yet a little bit more about “why”. I dropped a bowl of soup today which shattered into pieces. My family immediately started berating me, basically stating how I was a failure and can’t even hold a bowl of soup properly. I’m always compared to the worst people who would be termed “failures” in life. My cousins who are high school dropouts, aunts who are lazy and don’t try to succeed in life, etc. How do they expect me to succeed when all I hear is what a failure I am? My good grades? Doesn’t matter. I’m a failure at being the good daughter, I spend too much time talking to friends, I could have studied more and gotten even better grades, and I’ll never change. Hey maybe that’s why I like talking to friends, because they accept me for who I am and don’t pick on my downfalls. Nobody is perfect. 

Sigh, I really just want to prove them wrong, show that I’m not a failure. But I wonder at times, if it’s worth the trouble. Why don’t I just be a failure and show them what that actually means? How I would really be if I was a “failure” since they seem to think of me that way anways? Yeah, when I’m down, I like listening to songs like Get Back Up by TobyMac or other motivational songs about never giving up and looking for silver linings. But, how do I get up when I’m just constantly pushed down? It’s an additional weight for me to push against. I’m just so tired of getting up under these conditions. Life is tiring. Pleasing people is tiring. I’m honestly scared that someday I’m going to break and just look for love in a stupid place, where someone will lie to me, say they love me, and hurt me. I guess for now I’ll just have to keep telling myself that I’m worthy and able to succeed at the things I do. Like a flower growing between the cracks of the sidewalk, trod on under so many footsteps, I’ll try to keep growing because as long as I have the sun, water, and nutrients, I can grow and get stronger. 

It’s not gonna be the same but it’s gonna be alright.

Change is always happening to us. Whether something small like a doing something not in our regular routine like choosing a different restaurant to eat lunch at or something bigger, like moving, new friendships, a death of a loved one. What changes is not important, but it’s the reaction we choose that is. How we react to change in our lives ultimately depicts the effect of the change. Change is hard, but it’s what we choose to make it.

A difficult part of change is letting go and the uncertainty of the consequences of each decision. I met this girl a few years ago and we became best friends very quickly. We found out later that we were childhood friends in Chinese school back when we were 5 or 6, I thought our friendship was just meant to be. She helped me to realize a lot of things, to not be afraid to speak first and to just talk it out if I have a problem with a friend that I care about. However, with our friendship being so awkward now, I don’t know how to do that. I’ve tried reaching out to her, reestablishing that bond we had, but she would stop replying or not reply at all. If she replies, she would stop after one or two. I’ve been trying to look at it in a different perspective. She has a boyfriend, she has school too…but her “I miss you lots” just feel so fake when she doesn’t take the time to reply to my answer to “how are you?” It’s really hard for me to let go of our friendship, frankly, of any friendship. I believe that anyone can stay friends unless they do something heinous, but yet there’s still some good in them that makes them worth being a friend. I guess our “friendship” has shifted more to be acquaintances? Change. It’s not like I can’t live without her, but I feel sad losing a close friend nonetheless.

I guess that’s part of growing up. People come into your life, make an impact, and some stay, but some go. People find new friends, have new lives, die, it’s life. Now how it affects us, we can learn from them and not hate them for “leaving” us, we can try to mend a broken friendship, we can leave it at the “hi and bye”, etc. I won’t forget what happened in my experiences, but I won’t let it dwell on my mind and bring me down. “Look on the bright side”! Anddd it helps focusing on something else, like school.