The struggle

My recent posts have been mainly me trying to talk some sense into myself and making sense of my feelings. Sorry if they don’t make sense. In essence, all my posts are a direct stream of thoughts that I just blurb out onto my keyboard. That said, I hope this will be the final post about all this because I’m sure anyone reading these are probably sick of it like I am. But I just want to, just NEED to, get this out. 

I’m crying right now. Why? Because I feel as though…there’s this…war..inside me. I want to do everything I said in the last post. I want to come out of that shell. I’ll need to do it someday. But it’s so freaking hard. I can’t forgive myself. I’m disappointed with myself. Failing might not be a big thing to some people, but for me, it’s a first and it’s as though I’ve finally opened the door to all the pressure of being a failure. I’m a failure at life. I fail at being a member of my family because I think differently. I fail at being a friend because of my mistakes. I fail at being a person to depend on because of my emotional attachments. I fail at being a better person because of my indifference. But you can’t measure that. In school, marks are everything. Marks determine your success, the teacher’s liking of you, the amount of work you put in, your friends, the university you get into, and more. My marks are not necessarily high but they are usually above average. I’ve worked hard for those marks. All those late nights…doing the best I can even if it means an allnighter. I’m willing to sacrifice so much for my marks. People say I’m smart and I hate it. I don’t think of myself as or feel “smart”. There’s tons of people who do better than me and don’t have to study so hard. Being labelled “smart” in my opinion is a huge weight on the shoulders. People begin to have expectations, high expectations. You get put on a pedestal. I just want to fit in. And, parents always say how I could’ve done better, should’ve studied earlier, would’ve gotten even higher marks. I contemplated so many times of just not studying and showing them how badly I COULD do so they could understand that I’m not just naturally getting those marks. But of course, my perfectionist personality comes out and I can’t fail. And now that I have, everything just comes crashing down.

I think I’ve always been dealing with depression ever since my grandma passed away two years ago. That winter, I had the “winter blues” that just never left. Sure, I can be happy and love life, but when it’s just me and my blanket, I’m crying myself to sleep. I guess my happy face is good enough for people, and I don’t always have to fake it, but people don’t notice. My family doesn’t notice. Except it’s gotten worse. I can’t act around them 24/7. I lash out. I’m easily pissed off at home. I can’t help it. And they just keep piling on the feelings of failure. Scolding me for everything. That’s how it always is. I can’t do anything right. They don’t like me going out with my friends, they don’t like my choice of friends, they don’t understand me. Now..they’ve seen just a glimpse of what I feel inside. I’ve reached out to my friends as anchors, but when wave after wave hits, it’s just too much energy to reach out. When more things happened last year, I withdrew. I lost a lot of friends at that time. I began to feel like giving up. Life was tiring. 

It got slightly better when I got admitted into pharmacy. I had something to prove to people that I was worth something. Then this happened. Thinking of my friends, I don’t even know who to confide in. Who wouldn’t judge me. My two best friends who I know for sure wouldn’t are sadly early sleepers. I’ve pushed the friends I had too far away and the new friends I made I kept at a distance. I know i need something to distract myself, but that night, I couldn’t even enjoy my favourite pastime of making polymer clay charms. I was scared. There was a knife and x-acto knife I use for cutting the clay. I’m scared of pain, so I would not hurt myself. But I can’t help but think about dying. To just die in my sleep would be great. I knew I had to get out. But at the same time I didn’t want to. It’s the worst I’ve felt second to my grandma’s passing. I’ve been having to act when forced to go out. Some people even look up to me for goodness sake. But I’m not strong like they think I am. I can’t even get over failing a test!! I just can’t. 

It’s Christmas Eve now. It doesn’t even feel like Christmas is here. The snow, the decor, nothing. I thought I could distract myself and go to an evening of Christmas music but then there was this whole fight with my family about this dinner commitment they made for my dad’s friend. Going there and doing nothing in the midst of everyone would be so painful. I wouldn’t even be able to cry. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what will help. I know that it’s something I’ll have to work out with myself, but right now, I just want someone to care about me beyond the polite “how are you”. I’m not ok. 

Learning to fail.

I should’ve been a turtle instead of a human. I love hiding in the comfort of a shell whether it be metaphorically or literally. I also run from all my problems and “hide”. I haven’t learned how to stand my ground and face my problems. Like my feelings of failure, I ended up doing nothing and stay in bed for two days, curling up in the dark and crying. I felt so lost because I found my shell, the comfort of my blanket in my bed, and didn’t know how to get out of it. It’s a big world out there. Today, I had to force myself out of that “place” and go to work. It was a long day and hectic, but it helped me to somewhat get out of that shell and be able to even talk about my marks as a family. I told my parents, but we hadn’t discussed it. (Yeah I actually tell my parents my marks, good and bad!) I guess actually interacting with people took my mind off of the focus of beating myself up. I know no one’s perfect, and I’m definitely not perfect. But, there’s still this stupid part of me that just wants to be “good enough” aka perfect. It’s good to have an ambition and goals, but food for thought: what do you do when you fail to reach those goals? Do you make new goals? Lower your expectations? Strive even harder? Go crazy? Give up? Cry in a hole? These questions have been whirling around in my head. I feel as though I’m a toddler who’s been crawling and feeling confident about it, scared to walk. I’ve taken a few steps, but I’ve fallen and found it hard to get up so I’ve resorted to sucking my thumb and just sitting there (or something like that). It’s a steep learning curve when you fall down/fail. I’m sure everyone will fail a test in their lifetime or fail at something. It’s only the beginning. And I have to remind myself that I don’t have all the time in the world to curl up in a ball and rot by myself. I’ve got family and friends to care about, a job to do, education to finish, and a career and life ahead of me. Everyone’s days are numbered. How we use it…now that’s a different story. It’s not going to be easy, but I can’t run away from everything. At least I got the first step out of the way, a taste of actual failure. Bittersweet. 

PS: I know my feelings are like a bouncing ball, same with my thoughts. Sorry! I don’t have anything to say except…I AM a female…?!

Dying inside.

My first failed test in my life. I can’t explain how I’m feeling inside. It’s like I feel like the whole life of mine has crashed into a wall of cement plastered with failure all over it. I lost the drive. I think that the extra expectation from everyone else for me to do well built that wall to be a stronghold. Granted the test was the 3rd of 3 exams in 3 days and left me one day to study, but there are no excuses. I could have better used my time, got on top of things during the term, and done better. At least the class is a two term course, so I can still make up for it. It doesn’t matter that I have a chronic headache. I don’t care. I have yet to cry (I’ll leave that for my ‘cry myself to sleep’ episode), but I’ve been crying inside all day. I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t know how to deal with this new feeling.

After finding out 3 more of my marks. I barely passed the final for one and ended up with a final mark below average. It’s so depressing to think how it’s my first course below average. I don’t know whether it discourages and brings down my expectations or encourages me to work harder, it’s scary. The other 2 marks were A+, but that does little to console my feelings. I can’t help but dwell on the bad things. It’s always easier to feel the rain than find the rainbow! I just feel like such a failure. Everyone says I’m smart, hardworking, etc, but I’m not! Here’s to prove it!!! I just want to dig a hole and sleep forever. My headache is killing me since last nights crying. Not getting into the Christmas spirit, and it’s even snowing outside. I feel so lonely in my sadness.

The only thing that made me smile in the last 24 hours is this blog, surprisingly. It’s officially been a year since I first started this blog. And I also passed 1000 views. It’s crazy just thinking about it. I never expected to even have any views, with the sole purpose of just getting out these thoughts, but I hope that maybe whoever is reading these posts can relate and find my perspective helpful or interesting to say the least. I guess the conclusion of this post and my black hole is that there’s always some sort of light at the end of every tunnel, though it may be small and far from the exit. That little light might be just enough to keep you going until you reach the end of the tunnel or find a way to keep going.

Happy birthday lil bro :)

I value birthdays a lot. Every birthday is a special day that I celebrate to show my care for that person and for some reason, birthdays just seem very important to me. Maybe it’s because I always had birthday parties when I was younger and everyone would come to my house and there would be games and cake and goodie bags and presents. As I grew older, birthdays seemed to be a smaller celebration; a small dinner, a friend hangout, nothing extravagant. I think that is why I try to make birthdays the best I can. I realized recently that with my brother being a boy, his birthday is even less celebrated. Yes, he doesn’t like to have a big deal about it, not letting people know his birthday, but I think that it should still be a celebratory event! His friends would not so much as even give him a present! I’ve had countless memorable birthday parties with friends. So, I tried to make the most of my brother’s special day, a day for me to spoil him and embarrass him. Last year, I compiled a video with recordings of his friends saying happy birthday. However, his closest school friends didn’t even participate! This year, I decided to have some fun. Sometimes my self-conscious thinks that maybe I go out of my way for others’ birthday longing for someone to do the same for mine. But since I think of these ways to make it special, I might as well use it on my brother of all people. He’s my one and only brother! So this year, I made a scavenger hunt type of puzzle for him…

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Present #1 – The polar bear became a brown bear due to the fact that my brother himself left our oven on broil instead of bake. I made another one in time but that one was burnt even worse… But I think he likes it! 

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Present #2 – also burnt, but I put some white clay on top as “snow” to cover up the dark brown parts. 
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The very first gift I gave him, given a few weeks after he was born. My two-year-old self had chosen white instead of black. Now he’s grey, losing a nose, without his cola in hand, and missing some toes, but still the favourite of all stuffies.

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Present #3 – a copy of present #4 that I drew. I’m surprised it turned out so well honestly…it didn’t even take me that long, two hours max! 

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Present #4 – a “poster” I bought at my school’s poster sale. He and his polar bears…what can I say, it’s adorable!

As for what he’ll see tomorrow…I think it’ll just be slightly embarrassing for a grad to have his locker decorated in the grad hall like this, just slightly! And his real present or, the last and biggest final present is waiting inside. I hope he likes it and will forgive me for making it a big deal! 

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This may be his last birthday that I really celebrate. I don’t know whether he will leave for university next year and I definitely won’t have another chance to decorate his locker. I’ve had friends decorate my locker and I’ve decorated my friends’ lockers. Why shouldn’t he have such a memory to keep? I hope that for the birthdays to come, I can make it memorable as well. We only grow older, and every year, our life amount of birthdays decrease, becoming memories. Memories are made by ourselves. We can choose what to be remembered by.

I know I am a horrible sister most of the time and lose my temper easily, but I do love you and I hope that you will choose to remember me by these happy moments between us. I’m still learning and I promise to become the best sister that you can ever ask for. I love you, happy birthday my BIG little brother! 

I hate the way I am

Recently, I’ve been very easily irritated, almost to the point where I’m constantly irritated. Most of the time at nothing, really. I think it began after my headaches came this past summer. It’s really hard dealing with people, school, life (basically everything) while you have a constant headache that’s been there for who knows how many days. It’s torturous. I’m sorry to my family for the way I’ve been acting towards them. I’m not mad at them as I seem to be, but I can’t control it sometimes and snap at them. I think the person who’s had it the worse is my dad. I love my dad. He’s my role model and other than the times when he’s so annoying, he’s the best dad in the world. Sure, he’s overprotective which can be very annoying, but it’s because in his eyes I’ll always be the baby girl learning how to walk. He’s been through a lot of hardship in his family and I keep telling myself that I want to make our family something different, where people don’t bully him and take advantage of his kindness. He tries his best to give us the best of everything. He also has the same personality as I do, so I know how he feels. We aren’t good at expressing the love type of feelings in words. And words also hurt the most. It’s heartwrenching when I see myself act this way and so many things I wish I could shove back into my mouth and swallow and watch them dissipate in my stomach acid. (Sorry its like 4 in the morning and I’m going crazy from all the studying for my finals this week. Btw, I didn’t have time to finish my other post but basically, my last post is like garbage now because I ended up having to activate the iPhone the day after I wrote it…the billing started once it was shipped. Maybe my headaches are caused by all the craziness going on in my head! ANYWAYS.) I wish I had the patience and gentle demeanor that I can put on when I’m in public. It’s tiring to have that mask on when I’m tired, stressed, and with a headache, but they’re the people who mean more than the public any old day. Sure, they can piss me off sometimes and they don’t seem to understand me, but they love me and will always be there for me. TobyMac’s “Family” really makes me want to try my best to not ruin what I have. It’s easier for me and my brother to patch things up since we talk the most and there’s so much fights between us that they go as easily as they come. Staying up with him til early in the morning, those honest drowsy conversations are so precious. I do love my family. I’m just really bad at displaying it. I feel like a prickly porcupine trying to hug them. I hope that the little things I’m able to do (like stay up with my brother) will show them that I’m trying to change. I’m trying to learn how to love them and show my appreciation, because I do love and appreciate them. Now it’s back to studying! Got 3 finals in a row this week, two with lots of memorizing and then two more the week after. I’m going to die…