The shadow behind

It’s so hard to get rid of traumatic memories. Like how I see the dog with its bite-hold on my arm whenever I hear dogs bark, I see the and hear the conversations I had with that preceptor in my current practicum. It doesn’t matter that the situation is totally different, that my current preceptor and the staff are super encouraging and supportive, and that I did pretty well so far considering my mid-evaluation. I would still see similar situations and find myself go back to that memory. I would hear his words, hear the threats, and the rush of feelings would mess up my mind. The memory pounces on me and I’d have to sleep with a sleeping pill yet again. Day after day. Even if I’m able to brush it off and continue my day of work, it always finds an opportunity to come back. I try so hard to seem alright and it makes me wonder if people will see it. Or what they see.

Do they see a frightened young girl who is at a loss? Do they see a dumbfounded girl who can’t answer anything? Do they see a stoic mask? Do they see a friendly girl smiling despite her mistakes? At those times I can barely control my feelings and expressions. Like a ghost following me around, that trauma is something I can’t seem to get rid off. Working in the same setting, with a male preceptor; it’s so similar while it’s so different.

I really hope that I’ll be able to get over that trauma soon. I only have a week left at my practicum and I hope I can end it well. I really do enjoy working there with everyone and have learned a lot. I find my confidence took a hit since the memories, but I’m getting up again with the encouragements and kindness. I want to work even harder so that I can show that even someone with a trauma can do this. And that I am not someone who would’ve failed like they said I would. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can indeed become a pharmacist. Believe. It’s been my source of strength when I have nothing to hold on. I’d hold on my wrist tattoo and tell myself that I can do this. That I believe I can. That I believe I’m stronger than the trauma.

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Living, and not just…living.

First off, I’ve realized how infrequently I post. It doesn’t help that school started again, term 2 of summer. There’s so much that happened and so much that I want to blog about but not enough time to sit down and actually do it. Well, and so that I can get all my thoughts out too – I’m sure my brain can only handle so much information before it’ll burst, and I need to save some memory space for my summer course! Ok, verbal diarrhea part 1…go!

Paintball. I can now say that I’ve tried it. I went with my friend, her sister, and my brother. It took a bit of convincing and my mom’s help to get my brother to come with us. But I’m glad he did, because we only have so much time and people to spend it with. I’d rather create more memories together (good or bad) than to realize that all the time had gone with no memories to fill it with. I ended up getting no welts or bruises (I was sweating like crazy under the two long sleeves and leggings and jeans, but I guess it was worth it?) while he got plenty on his legs. I got hit tons of times on the face mask but those didn’t hurt. However, the one hit that finished me was the one on the back of my head which gave me a bump and a headache. Well honestly the headache might’ve already been there since I seem to have a chronic tension type headache, but the bump definitely wasn’t there before! I was a noob to begin with, failing majorly with my first time playing COD and being noobs at our first paintball experience with pros didn’t help, but honestly, I think that even if I had lots of practice, I’d die probably instantly if thrown into a battlefield armed. On another note, with the mentality of creating as many moments (live like you’re dying), I’m going to be watching football with my family this week as well since they got tickets. Yes, I find football (and most sports) boring to watch, especially having went to multiple games when my brother was on the football team at school, but I think it’ll be a good experience. And another thing to put on and cross off my bucket list! Whether trying new things end up with good or bad experiences, I at least experience something and learn something.

I’ve also found my motivation to live. Not just surviving and staying alive, but to live. Living may mean different things to different people in different walks of life, but the similarity between them all? There’s just so much to life. You will make your life as full as you want it to be. Before, I was “living” simply because I was…alive. I was doing what I needed to do to get through life, but I didn’t mind if I had died at any moment. Remembering this documentary I watched a while ago made by Love Life really got to me this time. There are people out there with a terminal illness knowing they are going to die soon but not when, and they want to live SO BADLY. They have so much they want to do! So many goals, hopes, dreams. And here I am, not caring about my life. Is that fair?! Most definitely not! Therefore, I’ve decided to really live my life to the fullest. Living not only for myself, but also for those around me. I want to make it worth all the time and love they put into me. Living now means to try new things, forgiving myself of the past and moving on, not being afraid to make mistakes, and spread the love. To infinity and beyond!

Living that fairy tale.

Happy Belated Valentine’s Day! A day where I feel extra single. I know I would love to have someone to share my everything with, but… I feel as though I’m not ready for them just yet. I just hope that one day I’ll meet someone who has seen/sees all my flaws and still love me. Yup, I love all those fairy tale happily ever love stories. My perfect fairy tale prince? Well…he’s not really a prince except through marriage, but it’s got to be Eugene Fitzherbert. Flynn Rider. That smolder! And from all those dramas I watch, I seem to like the seemingly coldhearted ones who are actually a big lovable romantic cutie on the inside. But back to Flynn and last week…my friend made my fairy tale dream from Tangled come true!

Friday February 7th is a day I’ll never ever forget for the rest of my life.
My friend and I first went to the dumpling festival downtown where we did a bunch of random activities such as finding the difference, taking pictures in the cardboard cutouts, tasting tea, etc. For dinner, we had dimsum from the nightmarket style tent they had outside. Then we had to find a starbucks to get that amazing Blossoming Peach tea latte. I sure wish it could stay and become a permanent drink! Then it was time for some fun…after finding a parking spot at the packed Spanish Banks! We ended up parking on the shoulder and walked over to the beach only to see a lantern hit a tree, burn up in flames, and then fall onto a car parked not too far from ours, also on the shoulder of the road. Nevertheless we just hoped nothing would happen to our car and that the trees wouldn’t catch on fire. Nothing could deter us from lighting our lanterns up! Watching other people light their lanterns and letting them float slowly to the crowd of lanterns shining like bright stars was amazing. It felt so…magical. Like I was in a special moment, it’s indescribable. The feeling like I’m overflowing with joy. Everything was perfect. We decided to try to light our lanterns and asked someone if they could help us record that moment. Thankfully we chose a super nice guy who helped us as we lighted ours. I think mine would have just lit up in flames if he hadn’t given us tips and helped us! And we have a very entertaining video memory because of his help. Lighting my friend’s lantern up by ourselves was pretty smooth cept for one little hole (mine had a few burnt holes). But watching them both go up with our wishes, it felt like it will definitely come true. And even if it didn’t, it’s ok.

Yes I was a bit greedy, writing down two wishes. I guess I should have just asked for more wishes. Anyways. My first wish is that I want to make my life worth it, to be able to say that I’m proud of myself. I always wonder what kind of imprint I would leave if I was to die today. Who would remember me? How will they remember me? I can only think of all the wrongs and mistakes I have done to people, so I wish that I can fill my future with lasting memories that are worth remembering in a good way. The second part of that wish mostly has to do with my extremely low self esteem. I regret almost everything that I do. You can always do better. I hope to find that level of contentment where I can know that I have done the best that I could and be happy with myself, be proud of myself. My second wish is to not just be like ships in the night. I’ve mentioned that song tons of times now that even my friend knew that it was a song when she saw my wishes! I never talk to her about it either! But yes, I hope that throughout all the relationships I have, I can learn to grow and have a two way relationship. Even if things might not work out between us, I hope that we can remain friends who are able to talk, acquaintances. It’s also a hope that I will not withdraw when I’m depressed or overwhelmed. Instead of ignoring people, I have to learn to give and take, to be there for others despite just wanting to curl up and lock up myself. Friends deserve the best care I am able to give them and it’s unfair if I’m so selfish and just leave them, passing them by like ships in the night. Not being like ships in the night also specifies being more observant for the people around me, whether I know them or not. Maybe it’s someone I encounter on the bus or someone I see at work, or someone I know. Instead of living in a world with just me and my friends, I will try to learn to live in a world where everyone else is part of it too.

Happy birthday lil bro :)

I value birthdays a lot. Every birthday is a special day that I celebrate to show my care for that person and for some reason, birthdays just seem very important to me. Maybe it’s because I always had birthday parties when I was younger and everyone would come to my house and there would be games and cake and goodie bags and presents. As I grew older, birthdays seemed to be a smaller celebration; a small dinner, a friend hangout, nothing extravagant. I think that is why I try to make birthdays the best I can. I realized recently that with my brother being a boy, his birthday is even less celebrated. Yes, he doesn’t like to have a big deal about it, not letting people know his birthday, but I think that it should still be a celebratory event! His friends would not so much as even give him a present! I’ve had countless memorable birthday parties with friends. So, I tried to make the most of my brother’s special day, a day for me to spoil him and embarrass him. Last year, I compiled a video with recordings of his friends saying happy birthday. However, his closest school friends didn’t even participate! This year, I decided to have some fun. Sometimes my self-conscious thinks that maybe I go out of my way for others’ birthday longing for someone to do the same for mine. But since I think of these ways to make it special, I might as well use it on my brother of all people. He’s my one and only brother! So this year, I made a scavenger hunt type of puzzle for him…

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Present #1 – The polar bear became a brown bear due to the fact that my brother himself left our oven on broil instead of bake. I made another one in time but that one was burnt even worse… But I think he likes it! 

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Present #2 – also burnt, but I put some white clay on top as “snow” to cover up the dark brown parts. 
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The very first gift I gave him, given a few weeks after he was born. My two-year-old self had chosen white instead of black. Now he’s grey, losing a nose, without his cola in hand, and missing some toes, but still the favourite of all stuffies.

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Present #3 – a copy of present #4 that I drew. I’m surprised it turned out so well honestly…it didn’t even take me that long, two hours max! 

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Present #4 – a “poster” I bought at my school’s poster sale. He and his polar bears…what can I say, it’s adorable!

As for what he’ll see tomorrow…I think it’ll just be slightly embarrassing for a grad to have his locker decorated in the grad hall like this, just slightly! And his real present or, the last and biggest final present is waiting inside. I hope he likes it and will forgive me for making it a big deal! 

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This may be his last birthday that I really celebrate. I don’t know whether he will leave for university next year and I definitely won’t have another chance to decorate his locker. I’ve had friends decorate my locker and I’ve decorated my friends’ lockers. Why shouldn’t he have such a memory to keep? I hope that for the birthdays to come, I can make it memorable as well. We only grow older, and every year, our life amount of birthdays decrease, becoming memories. Memories are made by ourselves. We can choose what to be remembered by.

I know I am a horrible sister most of the time and lose my temper easily, but I do love you and I hope that you will choose to remember me by these happy moments between us. I’m still learning and I promise to become the best sister that you can ever ask for. I love you, happy birthday my BIG little brother! 

Erasing moments

I try as hard as I can to forget things. Things that I’m embarrassed about, upset over, or just things that break my heart all over again just thinking about it. My poor brain gets the worst of it, trying to remember things for school so hard and being accustomed to remembering everything. Memories can be nice. Memories can bring smiles, laughter, and love. But it can also be that haunting reminder of things that should not have happened. No matter how hard I try to forget something, it always lives on. We can’t just “erase” a part of our life. It’ll always exist in some way. Even though I’ve deleted every conversation history I had on my old laptop and phone, I can still remember the conversations in my mind as though I was reading them from a book. So many regrets, so many things I wish I could take back. And so many things I wish I had said. Too bad time travelling doesn’t exist! I guess its for the better…or it’ll be chaotic with everyone trying to change their lives, their every moment, their every mistake. And the really stupid thing is how the good memories slip slowly away from my mind. They get replaced, they become unimportant, or they are just…forgotten. It seems almost like my mind has an affinity for the sad or unpleasant memories. Why? Maybe because I dwell on those thoughts and when I try to reach for happy thoughts, it’s too late. Like a balloon just floating out of reach, I can see it and feel it, but I just can’t catch it. So I guess I just have to start appreciating the good memories, giving them more of my thinking time, and replace the unimportant regrets of things I can’t change, forgetting them. I can learn from my mistakes and take it to heart, but dwelling on them will just take up time and space in my mind which can be used to store more meaningful and beneficial memories!