Precious time

Only two days until the pharmacy interview and three days before my midterm. I don’t feel ready at all for either of them. It’s 3 am in the morning, I’ve had a tiring Friday and all I want to do is sleep my worries away. But I can’t. I’m scared that sleeping will take away time that I could have used to study more. However, I can’t even focus right now. I’m so frustrated with myself.

(cont’d the day after)

I need a good night’s sleep tonight so that I can think with a clear mind tomorrow but I doubt I’ll be able to. My mind will probably rebel and think about anything and everything. 

(cont’d on the day of the interview OH MY SO SORRY ITS JUST BEEN SUPER BUSY)

So it was quite an experience. It was intense, one after another after another and I lost count of the interviews after the first two. The scenarios were a blur and I could only think of how I messed up on each one then have to clear my mind and think of yet another answer to another scenario. Some of the scenarios gave me a blank and I babbled on. Some I counter argued myself. Yep, I’m pretty scared about the results. Not only that, I now have to study for my midterm tomorrow and have to put aside all my worries about the interview to the back of my mind and not let them disturb me (harder than it sounds). Back to studying!


How to not be awkward

Long story short, you can’t. Well…one can always act. I’m really fidgety, especially in nervewracking situations; not a good thing for the upcoming pharmacy interview! I also have a tendency to hunch my shoulders and camouflage with the wallpaper. I don’t like being in the spotlight. One thing I CAN do is act. I have to act confident even if I don’t feel confident. All the walls I’ve put up to enclose myself, it can’t be much harder than that right? But again, habits are hard to break. I can only pray that for those two hours, I can relax and put on the  best show of my life. 

So with all these thoughts about the interview and school on top of that, I’ve been worrying and stressing to the extreme. Today, after an in-class quiz, I felt like I couldn’t get anything right; it was just too much. After class, on the way home, I got off at the stop with my friend who was going to a bagelry (never knew they had such things!) and instead of waiting for the bus that could take me home, I decided, needed, to walk. It didn’t matter that I only had 3 hours of sleep and was dead tired, I just plugged in my earphones and walked. I walked for 5 km. I walked until my ankle hurt. I wasn’t tired even though I had an extra 5 pounds carrying my laptop in my backpack and walked an hour straight in flip flops. Walking helped clear my thoughts. I felt so lost. There was this flood of emotions that I just put in the back of my mind and focused on walking, walking, walking. It was almost like I was in a daze and didn’t know what to do but keep walking. I don’t know how many people and shops I passed, but I can’t remember. I watched buses pass me but just kept walking. Honestly, I am lost. I don’t know how to prioritize my time. Prepare for the interview or study harder knowing that I might not even achieve the results I want? All these thoughts have been bottled inside of me. I feel like no one will understand. There’s just so much to think about. All the possible questions and answers for the scenarios, all the reaction mechanisms and all the other things I have to finish. This is a really bad attribute, but I like to avoid. When life gets hard, I avoid. I avoid the hard things and use my time and energy elsewhere. In this case, I feel like just sleeping and not waking up so I don’t have to deal with either of the two pending tasks. But I can’t. The only thing that allows me to look forward and smile is the sunshine and good weather. I can’t wait for this week to be over!

Practice makes perfect?

In preparation for my interview for entry into the faculty of Pharmacy, I need to learn to formulate ideas and thoughts quickly. And I’ll need to work on my talking and “bubbly-ness” of course, but I just thought this may help. Blogging has helped me in classes to make my thoughts flow better as it helps me practice cold writes. So in light of the preparation of the MMI on June 9th, I am going to blog daily and hope that it can at least help me practice thinking of words on the spot etc. As for the talking, I guess I’ll either be bothering more people more often or start talking to myself in the mirror!

One thing I’ve learned today while asking for advice on preparing for the interviews is that I need to put myself out there. Out of my comfort box. Ever since I can remember, I care a lot about how people view me. I stutter at times because I’m scared. I’m scared of saying the wrong thing or sounding stupid, or both. I have this great fear of everything. Is there a phobia for that sort of fear? I’m scared of commitments because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I’m scared of the future because I’m scared that I’m not good enough, that I won’t be able to succeed. I’m scared of missing opportunities but I can’t bring myself to have the option of failure. I am a scaredy-cat. 

However, for my future, for my parents, for me…I am going to put myself out there and do all that I can to step out of that fear which is putting me in a box. I don’t know whether it’ll be enough for the interviews, but another thing about me is that I’m stubborn. I will work hard for my goals. Today, I had to engage with the vendors at the food court in a mall and not just order my lunch. It was very nervewracking, but I was able to learn something about them two out of three times. I’ve resolved to go buy something and initiate conversation every day this week in addition to the daily blogs. I’m doing this not only for myself, but to make up for the regrets of being a better person before. I know it can’t make a difference to my grandma watching me from heaven, but I want to make her proud. I want to be the ambitious, happy, brave little granddaughter that I was as a child. I know I don’t have much time, and with summer school, life is getting intense. But I’m going to try my hardest and do everything that I can for this.