Losing happiness, growth, one crazy week

Summer school has already started, but it is nothing compared to what has happened this last week. The craziness began on Sunday, when I went to Science World with my friend. It’s probably been almost 10 years since I’ve last been there for field trips in elementary school! Being a total nerd like I am, or maybe I’m just very easily amused, I absolutely love Science World. I really do believe there’s no age limit for going to a place designed for kids. I go in there and it’s just so…FUN. Everything’s so colourful and interesting, and I love how science amazes me in all those different ways. Every activity in there is explained by science, seems magical, and is full of fun. I probably smiled the whole 4 hours. Oh how I miss my childhood! Even the documentary film we watched at the Omnimax theater was interesting! It was so educational but not boring at the same time, and I learned a lot more about butterflies than I ever thought was possible. All those units on butterflies in elementary school really were nothing! I guess you could say I’m a kid at heart. It doesn’t matter that I’m entering the next decade of my life in less than 2 weeks. Sometimes joy can be found in the littlest of things. You just have to allow yourself to let loose and enjoy it! I just hope my friend isn’t too embarrassed by me and will continue to go do crazy things with me!

Speaking of childhood and happiness, I have come to a theory that we lose happiness as we grow older. Children are born innocent, a blank page onto whom we write their life story. Nature vs nurture. I really do think that nurture plays a bigger part in our lives. Children see everything in their innocent eyes and everything is so interesting to them. Trust me, my mom always reminded me how I used to sit for hours in front of the TV watching people build houses…yeah anything can be interesting to a kid. They don’t understand what boredom is. They might cry a lot, but they don’t know what emotional pain is. They haven’t experienced the real pains of life. As we grow older, we see more things, we understand more, and experience more. We have more memories, good and bad. There’s more responsibilities to think about and people to care about. It just seems easier to feel sad when we get older, and harder to feel happy. Of course there are people who have learned to come to terms with themselves and be content, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll be happy 24/7. I guess we just have to find that happiness and contentment. People say I’m easily amused? I don’t mind. It’s rare that I’m able to let myself go and smile, not worrying about all the thoughts in my mind.

Regarding the last post about visiting the senior home, I did end up going early last week and I don’t think I will continue going. I just can’t face it. Two of the people I usually visit were gone. It seems that as we grow older, we also accumulate more regrets. Oh how I wish I had gone to visit them more often, if I had only forced myself out of my shell to go visit them. Some people say that old people are grouchy and a nuisance. Well, they have a whole bookful of stories and regrets, what do you expect? I really want to befriend new people there and make it so that they can also fill pages with some happy memories. But I just don’t think I can take it anymore. Wear and tear, I get too emotionally attached and I don’t think I can bear seeing another one of them leave me. I sure hope I don’t get to live too long, I’d probably die inside watching all my family and friends leave me. Life’s hard.

Regarding the other post about my mom wanting me to volunteer at a pharmacy (this post is kind of like a follow-up for all those promises and wishes I had written about), I did end up finding a pharmacy to volunteer at. What changed my mind? I guess seeing that life is short. People can be gone in a year, in the blink of an eye. My mom hurt her back recently and I really saw how people age quickly. I don’t want to have regrets with my parents like I did with others. She worries that I won’t get a job when I graduate and there’s tons of other stuff she probably worries about as well. Worries and stress takes a toll on you emotionally and physically and I’d rather not be the cause of her worries. So for her mother’s day present, I surprised her by letting her know of my volunteering and how I’ll be continuing this week. Am I forcing myself to do this? Kind of. It’s tiring, but I can tell that she’s feeling better about my future with me listening to her.

Growth. We all learn and experience different things that can change our life. And only we ourselves can choose how to react to them. We can be told what to do, but in the end, the ending of the stories are written by us. The scene may be set for us and some parts are filled, but there’s still lots that are still yet to be written. As for me, I’m going to write the best story that I can. Stories can always have a twist.

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Erasing moments

I try as hard as I can to forget things. Things that I’m embarrassed about, upset over, or just things that break my heart all over again just thinking about it. My poor brain gets the worst of it, trying to remember things for school so hard and being accustomed to remembering everything. Memories can be nice. Memories can bring smiles, laughter, and love. But it can also be that haunting reminder of things that should not have happened. No matter how hard I try to forget something, it always lives on. We can’t just “erase” a part of our life. It’ll always exist in some way. Even though I’ve deleted every conversation history I had on my old laptop and phone, I can still remember the conversations in my mind as though I was reading them from a book. So many regrets, so many things I wish I could take back. And so many things I wish I had said. Too bad time travelling doesn’t exist! I guess its for the better…or it’ll be chaotic with everyone trying to change their lives, their every moment, their every mistake. And the really stupid thing is how the good memories slip slowly away from my mind. They get replaced, they become unimportant, or they are just…forgotten. It seems almost like my mind has an affinity for the sad or unpleasant memories. Why? Maybe because I dwell on those thoughts and when I try to reach for happy thoughts, it’s too late. Like a balloon just floating out of reach, I can see it and feel it, but I just can’t catch it. So I guess I just have to start appreciating the good memories, giving them more of my thinking time, and replace the unimportant regrets of things I can’t change, forgetting them. I can learn from my mistakes and take it to heart, but dwelling on them will just take up time and space in my mind which can be used to store more meaningful and beneficial memories! 

To be or not to be, that is the question.

The hardest choices in life are those where you can choose to give up something that is comfortable for something that may or may not be better. I still think about my choice months after I made my decision. Some things in life we will never know whether it was “right” or “wrong”, or maybe there was no right or wrong answer. I feel so conflicted on making my choice for something “better”. It might not even end up being anything, but I took the risk and gave up what I had. In the future, I guess I’ll see whether or not it was worth it. But, I believe that whichever way I went would leave regrets in not choosing the other path. Go with what your heart tells you, and don’t look back. Once you make your choice, what you’ve left behind is in the past and you just have to live with that choice. As I’m typing this, the words are more for myself than anything else.  The past can’t change, but you can change the future you make it. Life is too short to dwell on regrets. Of course, we all make mistakes sometimes, but we can learn and see how the mistake might just be a blessing in disguise. Although I just said we all make mistakes, I believe that there are no mistakes, and our “mistakes” are meant to be, to teach us a lesson or make our lives better. Whether this post makes any sense or not…that’s another question.