I’m sorry I hate you and I love you

So my brother recently told my mom about the pressure he felt for getting into medicine and studying for the MCAT. It’s almost funny how I feel as though that was the first time she really cracked down on him. It was also the first time when he said that he understands what I might’ve felt. My whole life of more than 2 decades of being the firstborn and feeling all the pressure and NOW he says he thinks he understands it?! It didn’t feel comforting at all, but it did remind me the responsibility I have as a firstborn.

Someone once said this to his firstborn daughter that life will be harder on her as she bears more responsibility for her actions due to being a firstborn. That it won’t be fair, but that’s because she’s firstborn. At first, I was taken aback and felt bad for the little girl who was only 6 years old. Then I realized that even without being told that when I was young, the same thing happened to me. I guess it happens to all firstborns. Parents will be more protective and have higher expectations. They’re also the leader who’s supposed to show a good example to the younger ones. And with my brother who had a lot of health issues while growing up, it felt as though it was right for them to do that. I became protective of him too. From the teasing he would get from others because of his bandage on his ear and his hospitalizations. I’m not saying that I hated that, but I admit that there have been times when I hated him because it felt so unfair. At the same time, I would pour as much love as I can onto him because it felt like he needed it more.

When I think back to my studying and pressure that I received from my parents, I’ve always remembered them telling me that I should’ve studied harder to get even better grades. Them telling me how I should’ve done this instead and how I should sleep earlier. Them not knowing that I’d spend nights unable to sleep worrying because of the stress. How I would try my best to study everything as much as I can, sleeping at 2:30am and waking up at 6:30am to keep studying. With my brother, he sleeps late and my mom would defend him saying she already talked to him about it. When he sleeps in after a night of studying, my parents would say that he tried his best because he studied during the night. If he doesn’t do as well on an exam and says that he already tried his best, my parents would leave him alone. If it was me, I’d hear it a thousand times if I didn’t change my behaviour. I wouldn’t talk back to my parents, I’d just take it to heart and try my best to appease them. My brother, on the other hand, seems to feel wronged when he gets berated and would justify his actions. I guess it’s become a habit for me. I remember when I used to argue with my parents because of their seemingly unjust scoldings. It doesn’t help that when my mom scolds him, she’s learned to scold him when they’re alone so as to not have him “lose face” in front of us. When it was me, I’d get scolded in front of everyone and my brother would join in the scolding. I still hate that. But what can I say, I was the first baby they had, and parents learn along with their children. It wasn’t something that they knew to change before. I’m willing to be their guinea pig for the rest of my life. It’s something that I’m willing to do for my brother as I want him to become the best second-born, an improved newer person.

Don’t judge a book by its cover!

My little brother got into UBC Science! It’s like the highest rung on the ladder that many people I know try to achieve when they get to their graduating year here in BC. Here’s too all those people who think he’s dumb and won’t amount to anything in life, cheers! I’m so proud of him. It’s like the big sister feeling that I just can’t put into words. I’m so happy for him! Now he might not have to move out, and I’ll be able to spend time with him at school again! He’s so smart, way smarter than me, and he deserves more recognition than me. I’ve always felt bad that he’s been in my shadow with schooling, but I believe that he’s on his way to surpass me! Let’s put the spotlight on him now, leave me alone!! Stereotypes really hinder people at times, but I’m glad he can see his self worth despite what others say. If it breaks my heart hearing what he’s said about other people’s view of him, it must hurt him so much more. He’s athletic, smart, nice, and funny. Just because he’s big and tall doesn’t mean he’s old, fat, and dumb. It’s frustrating for me seeing that on the side when I just want to tell everyone what a smart and caring person he is. I’m glad that he has friends who have put in the effort to get to know him and see what an amazing guy he is. I just hope other people can see how his marks already way above mine! But he’s also humble, so I am not going to embarrass him or do something he doesn’t want like broadcasting it on Facebook how proud of him I am, butttt because he doesn’t know about my blog, I just want to put it out there how proud of him I am!! ❤ Congrats to his new chapter and all the best for his uni experience wherever he chooses to go!