It’s been really cloudy recently with random bursts of rainfall. Clouds give me a mixed sort of feeling. In elementary school, we learnt about the different types of clouds; the cotton candy looking cumulus clouds, the rainy nimbostratus clouds, and the thin cirrus clouds. They intrigued me and I never understood how a cloud could stay in the sky when it consisted of water. The different shapes were always interesting to define. But then there were also the grey gloomy rain clouds. Throughout my elementary school years, I usually associated clouds with gloomy wet school days. Oh how I hated rainy days where we couldn’t go outside for lunch and the squeaks of sneakers filled the hallways. (Did I ever mention how the squeak of sneakers is one of my pet peeves? Hmm…I shall have to write a post about pet peeves!) Anyways, rainy days sucked, especially on Mondays. However, as I got older, I realized that clouds could be a good thing on a hot summer day. Cloudy days didn’t seem so bad anymore. They were no longer just associated with rain. Now clouds are also associated with life events. When my grandma was in the hospital and we rushed to see her, I remember looking out the window and seeing the silver lining on the clouds. When she passed away and it was cloudy and raining, it seemed as though the clouds were crying with me. On happy days, the clouds seem subdued and calming. On sad days, the clouds emphasize with me and make me feel better, like it’s releasing my emotions across the sky. Through life experiences, clouds have changed from the fluffy random shapes in the sky to something that can have a surprisingly large impact on my emotions.
So I came across this video by zefrank1 on YouTube and it blew me away. Each jelly bean represented one day of your life. I can only imagine the countless sleepless nights and days that I had already spent worrying about my future and my problems. What if I had done something I loved instead? What would I have done? What can we do with the spare time that we do have that we haven’t already lived? This video really made me think about what I’ve been doing with my life. Today I watched the advance screening of White House Down (great movie!) and the line I remember most vividly is the president (Jamie Foxx) saying how he didn’t want to make history, but to make a difference. There are so many ways for us to impact someone’s life. Some ways easier than others, for instance, it could be as easy as making someone’s day by saying “hi”. I think, and I hope, that at least a quarter of the rest of my jelly bean life could be used to make a difference. There are a lot of “bent” people out there (cuz “we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again”). I myself being one. And I’ve experienced so much care from people who I know has definitely made a difference in my life. I only wish I could do that for as many people as I can for family, friends, and strangers. As for how to do that…I have no idea at the moment, but I think I still have some time to think of something =)
I haven’t blogged in a while, been super busy trying to study for chemistry while researching about majors that I had to choose to apply for earlier this week. But, I will take a break from studying for my final right now to share some good news! (I really don’t feel like studying right now anyways nor do I think I can focus!!) Okay, are you ready?! *drumroll* I GOT INTO PHARMACY SCHOOL!!! I was so shocked when I opened the email and saw “Congratulations!” that I cried. My family jumped up and down for a good 2 minutes and to say the least, we are all so happy about this. Now I no longer need to worry about my major, about my future! It’ll be a tough road ahead, but I just feel so encouraged to know that I can do this and they believed in me. I was also very touched by the responses my friends gave me when I told them the news. Of course, they all said that they knew I would get in, but it just made me realize what a difference I can make in their lives, even being somewhat inspiring! Crazy eh? I really can’t believe I got in and I’m just so relieved, happy, and shocked. Maybe I’m not such a failure after all? =D
Only two days until the pharmacy interview and three days before my midterm. I don’t feel ready at all for either of them. It’s 3 am in the morning, I’ve had a tiring Friday and all I want to do is sleep my worries away. But I can’t. I’m scared that sleeping will take away time that I could have used to study more. However, I can’t even focus right now. I’m so frustrated with myself.
(cont’d the day after)
I need a good night’s sleep tonight so that I can think with a clear mind tomorrow but I doubt I’ll be able to. My mind will probably rebel and think about anything and everything.
(cont’d on the day of the interview OH MY SO SORRY ITS JUST BEEN SUPER BUSY)
So it was quite an experience. It was intense, one after another after another and I lost count of the interviews after the first two. The scenarios were a blur and I could only think of how I messed up on each one then have to clear my mind and think of yet another answer to another scenario. Some of the scenarios gave me a blank and I babbled on. Some I counter argued myself. Yep, I’m pretty scared about the results. Not only that, I now have to study for my midterm tomorrow and have to put aside all my worries about the interview to the back of my mind and not let them disturb me (harder than it sounds). Back to studying!
One thing I do to stay awake when I’m studying late into the night is to watch dramas. Yes, it can be distracting, but at the same time, it helps me focus. Instead of being distracted by everything around me, it channels my focus to studying. Maybe I’m deceiving myself, but it seems to work! So watching all those dramas, my favourite parts are the love stories. The confession, the making up, the silly fun between the two. I came across this quote from one of the dramas and it really hit me. Sometimes, dramas do represent real life. It isn’t just an overly exaggerated story that was made way too complicated. Here’s the quote:
” Do you know how it feels to be betrayed by the one you deeply love? It feels like there’s a huge rock in your heart. You want to cry but you can’t. You keep asking yourself…what did i do wrong? Was it because I’m not good enough? I might not be good enough, but I can be the person who loves you the most in this world. Then I found out. It’s actually because he didn’t love me enough. Being betrayed by the one you trust, it takes a long time to trust someone again. Being hurt by the one you love, you might never recover. “
I can just imagine him feeling that way. How I was the stupid one who hurt him so badly. How after 9 months did we being talking again. How I still think he can never forgive me. Yes I have a tendency to wallow in the pit of depression and regret under great stress. The only ladder from that bottomless pit is music. But yeah, I’ve been reflecting a lot on who I am and who I want to be while preparing for the pharmacy interview. They could ask me anything; what makes me a good pharmacist, what my strengths and weaknesses are, what I’ve learned in life, etc. There’s a ton I would change. I’ll blog about that next time as i have got to go back to studying. =( It never ends.