This past month (more than a month, actually) has flown by without a trace. It’s like I’ve just been a rock in hibernation. And existing itself was a daily struggle. I was on sick leave from work, had an extended probation for a “demotion” because of my “lack of connection as a introvert” aka lack of customer survey comments, and my headaches. I personally dislike asking people to do the customer survey because it might make me seem like I think I did them a great service, because I wanted something in return. And it’s not like I tell them about the times people have thanked me or those who took care to note my name after I helped them, because that’s just not who I am. Yet I guess to be judged, the numbers matter at the end of the day. I’m just not a fit to be a salesperson either. And the risk of my “sick days” of headaches, when I had more sick days because of actually being sick… well, a business is a business, even in healthcare. And then the sick leave happened, and is deduced to be a physical reaction to stress/anxiety. So with all that, the life just got sucked out of me. And before I knew it, the wish to die became so strong that it was a battle everyday to do the basic necessities of living. Reading about others’ stories of suicide made me jealous, that they were able to escape. But I couldn’t. I felt so guilty to my family who does everything for me to keep me alive, literally. I wanted to relieve them of the burden for caring for a lifeless corpse, but I didn’t want punish them with the pain. And I was so void of emotions that I’d want to burst into a waterfall of tears, but it’d be dry like a desert. I’d yo-yo between sleeping too much, and not being able to sleep. I’d watch dramas and shows all day to distract myself, escape from reality. Then of course I’ll think about how I’m just wasting away and feel guilty and all those gravitational thoughts of depression. I’d want to get better, then the will just fades into darkness again just thinking about how many more days, months, years I’d have to deal with life and my headaches on the side. And it hasn’t even been 5 years (just a few more weeks to reach that anniversary). How am I going to survive and stay sane living 10, 20 years with my 24/7/365 headache. I really don’t know.
Honestly, this post took forever to write as I’d keep procrastinating, continuing my lifeless days. It was only this week when I was able to actually have the energy to reply to texts, and want to write this out. I have no idea what to do or how to fix my life. Like I just see a dull light behind my walls. There might not be a door yet, and it’ll take all that’s within me to unlock the door, much less open it. For now, I’ll just wait for the neurologist appointment and once again throw that line of hope. To crawl towards the light no matter how dim it is and reach out. Because ambition is in my shadow, greedy for a better life even if it may end up catching yet another disappointment.
So finals are finally over, all 9 courses of Term 1 is done. But instead of joy and relief, I always tend to feel tired and depressed at the end of exam seasons. Well, being tired and drained is a given (and normally sick too) from all that energy spent trudging on with the endless mountainous terrain of exams, but the depression comes back at this time as well. I knew it wouldn’t be so easy to get rid of depression. Having just let it stay there for a good few years, it’s hard to get out of. And it’s so easy to go back. Especially when I grow older, realize more, and find more disappointments with myself. What happened to the old me? The me who would strive for the greatest and be able to achieve it? Now, my standards have dropped so low it’s embarrassing for me. Rather than be proud that I’m in pharmacy and passing, a future healthcare professional like how others may think, I still see myself as a failure. Is it the depression talking or just facing reality? I look at my marks and I’m barely passing. Is it because I’m actually stupid contrary to everyone’s belief or the effects of life has just made me more stupid? Heck, it might even be the medications I take everyday. Or the material is just too hard for me and I wasn’t ready for this. I am stupid either way, so why do people still look up to me?! Just because I’m in “pharmacy”. It’s so hard for me to accept that a pass is something to celebrate over. It isn’t. And I’m so disappointed in myself that I would even dare to think that way. But I just feel like with everything going on, I’ve already tried the best I can to fix and turn around this life of mine that I need to find the contentment with myself. If only it was that easy to turn back time and try again. To not let depression and anxiety cage me in like it always does. When will I finally be able to be content with my life and what I’ve done with it? To what degree can I try that it becomes good enough despite disappointing results? How can I forgive myself for being such a failure and disappointment in my eyes?
My parents know about my depression and anxiety, and they like to “reassure” me that they don’t want to give me pressure and for me to just do my best. I KNOW that they don’t want to give me pressure. And I now think that it isn’t the pressure that I’m feeling. Depression and anxiety ARE mental disorders after all. Schizophrenia’s a mental disorder. Ah maybe I should go for more counselling. But they just say the same things, and it’s always easier said than done. It seems like a lonely uphill battle, but people have gone through it and come out stronger. It’s scary thinking that I might become a bigger disappointment if I fail in this area too, but it’s scarier to think that I will be like this for the rest of my life. I guess I wouldn’t feel as much self-hate and disappointment if there weren’t such successes to strive for. And then I can hear the old me telling me that I’m still here, I still wish to do well and make my parents proud. And that voice is enough. Enough to put away my embarrassment and disappointment and to keep going. To fulfill that dream and bring the old me back. To just try my best again and continue through life. To remember that even if I think that I’m a disappointment, there are people who love me despite that and that I should love myself too. Because I’ve tried my best and it’s the best I could do. It’s okay.
It’s been so long since I’ve posted. So many drafts in my history, unfinished posts that I just never got around to. I’d start and just didn’t have the time, energy, thoughts to finish them. So catching up with a TDLR summary of all the ones I wanted to post…life has been hard between then and now. However, there’s been a difference. I want to do life “right”. I’m doing more impulsive things (good and bad) but I’m starting to live life for myself and not others. I’m starting to learn to love myself and put my energy into relationships that are worth it, not relationships in which I invest too much into hoping for a return. The best impulsive decision so far was the one where I decided I’m going to do something about my life and went to Counselling Services and told someone that I was thinking of suicide. Since then, I found out more about depression and what I had.
Depression. What a depressing word. Once you say you have depression, people act different. They seem to be walking on broken glass around you, scared to “trigger” something or like you’re going to start bawling in front of them because you’re “sad”. Depressed are normal people. Anyways, I’ve been learning more about AA Alcoholics Anonymous recently. No, not because I’m addicted to alcohol. But I’ve learned that it doesn’t apply to just alcoholics. We can be addicted to things bad AND good. And I’ve come to a realization. I was (might still be) addicted to depression. There’s something scary about not having those self-deprecating and pessimistic thoughts when they’ve been there with me for a good 5 years. There’s something that is almost…comforting about worrying. I guess it’s like having control over your thoughts and predicting, knowing that you’re going to fail. As always. It’s much easier expecting the worst and expecting that you’re in the wrong. Trusting yourself and others is scary when human beings have such a high failure rate.
I’ve done the first steps of admitting it and wanting to change. Now how to change? How to do that full U-turn? Haha, I don’t have an answer for that yet. Still formulating it. Still exploring my path. But at least now I have hope that I’ll get out of this hole. Believing for me is the biggest step to take in my depression. Believing that life will get better. Believing that people will like me for who I am. Believing that I can forgive myself. Believing that there it’s worth holding out and trying hard for the future. Believing that I’m worth this journey. Because it’s true. I just have to believe it.