The strength to go on

Where does this strength come from? It’s a different answer for everyone. For some it may be their loved ones, their family. For some it may be their ambition. For some it may be that they believe in the hope of the joy that is to come beyond the trials. For some it may be the wish to prove themselves worthy. And for some, it may be for fulfilling the dreams of others. I remember when I was asked for reasons that I could tell myself to live on for. What would keep me from suicide? What is the reason for me to live on?

It was hard to think of an answer at that time. However, as I live on, I find that the answer seems to come slowly, as if to tell me to keep living just to see more and more reasons to live. The future is quite the painting beyond this tiny snapshot we see. I want to live to fulfill my childhood dream. I had given up on the dream to be a teacher from the blunt reality of life spoken to me by my parents. The teacher career isn’t going to get you anywhere, blah blah blah. However, as I interact with kids, it is just so…satisfying, seeing their innocent curiosity, their eagerness to learn about this wonderful world through their eyes. This drama I watched recently said how people are most beautiful when they do what they love. And I am so excited to begin volunteering with the One to One program in reading with kids and helping those who have trouble reading. I remember how reading brought me into new worlds and adventures. My glasses are a testament of that, my mark of my love for reading since the age of 6. It was a challenge for me and something I loved to escape to. This feeling is what makes living worth it. To be so excited about something and to be able to share that feeling with others and show it to them is something I can’t wait to do. Life seems brighter with the excitement of realizing a dream of mine. The will to fulfill my dream is stronger than I could fathom. Dreams are a reason to go on. The fulfillment must be unimaginably satisfying.

Another reason I have found. The people I love. The people I want to be there for. During my depressive episodes, I withdrew from a lot of people. There are many broken friendships I just can’t seem to mend or find from the times before. However, the ones that stayed strong I just want to keep so badly that it keeps me alive. They never gave up on me. So why should I give up on me? They sometimes even have more hopes and dreams for me than I do. They see me way differently than I see myself. They show me the best of me and love me despite having seen the worst of me. They invest their time and energy in me because I’m worth it to them. They remind me of why life is worth living.

Funny how the reasons for living don’t exactly counter the reasons for dying. Being a failure and disappointment to others, to myself. Being successful isn’t on my list. However, being loved by those no matter how successful or how unsuccessful I am is. Being able to love myself and what I’m doing with my life is. It makes the reasons for dying seem so tiny and unimportant for lack of better words. There is so much more to life that makes it worth living. I can’t wait to explore and find even more reasons.

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In your dreams! Pt. 2

Dreams are oh so annoying. I don’t know how other people’s dreams appear, but mine seems so fantasized I know that it’s not true, but it still rattles my feelings. It’s almost like I’m experiencing a movie. I know it’s not true but it seems real nonetheless. This morning, I awoke from a dream about a guy who I swear I’m so over with by now! Like seriously, brain?! What are you thinking or doing??? It’s so frustrating sometimes. I haven’t thought about him since forever and then such a good dream like that decides to pop up in my unsuspecting mind. In my dream, we were colouring paper cutout of eggs to decorate this Easter basket with my brother. I didn’t see how well my brother did, but my oh my was HIS colouring so pretty! He was really fast too…so fast that I didn’t even see him colouring. I just remember him talking to me and my brother and being super nice as always. It was funny though when he said that my brother was very straightforward and that he liked it about him. Must’ve been my subconscious thinking that about my brother! On a side note – my colouring was so ugly it was embarrassing. Now I know for sure it was a dream that can’t come true because I have beautiful colouring – just kidding! The markers were horrible; I’ll blame that. My yellow marker turned blue halfway for no reason at all, then all three yellow markers turned blue or ran out. I’m not sure what we did about that because that was when I woke up. I woke up all drowsy, sigh.

Ok let’s dissect my dream with the dictionary from “Dream Moods” and see how it goes…

To see Easter eggs in your dream symbolize potential, bewilderment and wonder. You need to recognize that potential and unleash it. The dream may also be symbolic with the passage of time. – Ok I’m not seeing any potential anywhere!

To see or use markers in you dream represent your creativity. Perhaps you need to introduce some liveliness in your life. Consider the significance of the marker color. Alternatively, the dream may be telling you that there is something you need to “mark” down or remember. – I think it’s the need to introduce some liveliness into my life. School is killing me! And yes, I’m so creative that I decide to colour outside the lines in my dream (I’m totally thinking outside the box!).

The color yellow has both positive and negative connotations. If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom. On the other hand, if the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color represents deceit, disgrace, betrayal, cowardice and sickness. You have a fear or an inability to make a decision or to take action. Your desire to please others is at the risk of sacrificing your own needs and happiness. As a result, you are experiencing many setbacks. – Yup the dream sure was pleasant! How come I feel as though all these good things are things I want and don’t feel like I can get?? My feelings fit more with the “unpleasant” dream! I have too many fears of the future, of making mistakes, of everything!

Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind. Alternatively, the color blue may also be a metaphor for “being blue” and feeling sad. – The yellow turned blue so I guess I’m becoming unhappy? Or I’m trying to get away from the unpleasant feelings of yellow (I can’t imagine yellow other than being a bright happy sunshine colour though).

To see your brother in your dream symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with him. It can also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has certain characteristics or behaviors similar to your brother. – Hmm….I guess it showed that our relationship has matured. We can talk about things and he can be straightforward. We can share with each other our deeper thoughts and feelings and discuss our problems together. He’s always ready to share how he thinks about me with nothing withheld, that’s for sure!

To see your crush in your dream represents your current infatuation with her or him. – WHAT?? STILL?? NO WAY…! It’s been 5 years…stupid feelings!

So…I guess my dream interpretation didn’t really succeed or fail, but it really makes me wonder whether or not it IS my subconscious. Or it’s just random! Like Mad Gabs, my brain decided to piece together this story and broadcast it in my mind. Silly brain! Get a new character please. But honestly, I don’t know if I believe in the “it’s a sign” type of stuff. What I do believe about dreams is that they are made up of our own thoughts and feelings towards certain things. And of course, everyone’s thoughts and feelings towards a certain thing might be totally different – even yellow has so many interpretations! Our uniqueness is what makes dreams so intriguing because some things just can’t be explained. We can come up with theories and interpretations, but sometimes there just aren’t “facts”. Not everything is black or white. There are many parts of life that we wish were only black or white, but gray does exist.

In your dreams!

It’s been a while since I last posted! This past week, I’ve been basically relaxing and catching up on sleep since finals were over I still have a few weeks before summer school begins. A few days ago, I had a lunch date with a friend and went to walk on the Seawall. It was breathtakingly beautiful and so calming. While we were walking, there was this sailboat and we basically walked alongside the sailboat on the other side of the river. Haha it’s hard to describe the feelings that came to me that day. To say the least, it was the best day I’ve had since university began! Additionally, I’ve finally found time to do things other than studying. I’m currently obsessed with making polymer clay objects. Maybe I’ll post pictures someday. It’s the most fun to make miniature objects and make it out of a clump of clay. Anyways, that was basically my week, if that was of any interest…

So now for some food for thought. I’ve had friends tell me that dreams were our subconscious thoughts, what we thought about the most, the future, and things happening in a parallel world. Dreams fascinate me. How in the world do we come up with these ideas while we are sleeping?! My mom has had a dream where she dreamt of the question on her test for the next day, wrote it down and actually saw it on the test. We’ve all had those good dreams where we never want to wake up and of course we happen to wake up when the good part comes along. We’ve all also had nightmares where we so desperately want to wake up but can’t wake up however hard we try. There’s also dreams that seem so real that we get muddled when we wake up, and the whole thing from Inception. And of course, those really weird and random dreams that just doesn’t have an explanation for. Last night, I one of those weird dreams.  I have no idea how it came to mind but I sure hope it’s not one of those prediction dreams! In that dream, my friend comes back in town with a baby named Candy. I think it’s just my playing too much of Candy Crush! Looking back at dreams, most of them are so absurd and far-fetched that I have no idea how they seemed so real while I was dreaming of them! Are dreams actually a part of a parallel universe? Or are they our subconscious thoughts that we don’t have a chance to express? Do they have meanings? Do we have control over our dreams? Maybe I will try to focus all my thoughts onto one idea and see if I dream about it tonight.