Some things will never change, and that’s okay

So even though I’ve gone through crazy life changes these past weeks, there’s some things that I realized will never change, and I’ve come to realize that that’s okay. My beliefs won’t change, and that keeps me from changing my actions. To me, family is still the most important thing that I’m willing to sacrifice anything and everything for. Instead of throwing it aside to avoid being hurt, I’m still going headfirst into it and giving it my all. I’m still willing to voluntarily be my brother’s food-delivery-man. Just because I love him no matter what. No matter how he may look down on me or perceive me, that won’t change how I myself perceives him. I’m willing to spend as much of my spare time with my parents because they’re forever my parents. There will never be a day when I can finish repaying their love for bringing me up and giving me all their love. And it’s okay if it’s too hard for them to change. I guess I’ve reached the place where I’m learning to settle for their personal bests and my personal bests. They’re trying their best and that’s all I need. No one is perfect. Heck, I’m far from perfect myself. But the journey in trying is all that matters. Seeing them try to hold their tongue and see me as an adult, that’s enough. Seeing them give me the space to breathe that I longed for, that’s enough. Seeing them actually listen to my ideas and not shooting down my every thought, that’s enough.

Family has always been so, so, so important for me. Perhaps I brought it upon myself more hurt than I should have because of trying too hard to make my dream “family” come true. But I don’t want to settle for less than that. Instead, I’m learning to see how our broken pieces make a beautiful and whole picture. And I’m going to work my butt off like always to build this complicated puzzle. Like my lock screen reminds me all the time: Keep going. The most difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations. And my background says, “Yes, it’s going to be hard, but hard is not impossible”. This not only applies to work and life, but relationships as well. Being in a family is essentially a lifelong group project (which I hated in university). We’re so different, but as long as we put the effort in, we can use our strengths to complete their weaknesses, and make a dream team. We might not get our choice of group partners, and definitely not family, but its our choice for our effort and input. So my choice is always going to be to give that 110% effort and as long as they’re putting their 100% effort, that’s okay. I’m content.

Coming out (not of the closet!)

So I’ve finally “come out” clean about my secret visits for acupuncture behind my parents’ back and a lot more about my depression. I wanted to share with them the good news. Acupuncture worked (sort of) for my headaches! For 10 whole minutes, I had no pain or tension pressure AT ALL. In 2 long years, it’s the longest I’ve gone without any feeling of a headache. It felt amazing. My head felt so light. So apparently, and probably one of the many causes for my headaches, my spine was all messed up. My C1 and C2 were twisted one way and my C3 and C4 were twisted the other way. Which was probably due to my bad posture and loving to work while lying down with my laptop. Also, being totally right hand dependent, my spine overall is kind of tilted to the left. So now I’ve been more aware of my posture but it’s hard to correct bad habits! Specially since everything’s been going on for so long. However, my bones, my muscles and tension have improved a lot since going. She’s pushed and cracked all my bones til they’ve sort of shifted back into place and my headache has lessened. I still have a constant headache, but it’s not as bad, although it’ll probably last as long as I’m stressed about school. So 2 more years to go?! Ahaha but at least I know that there IS hope for a life without headaches 24/7. And now that I came out to my parents about the good news and bad news, I feel more relieved and that seems to have lifted a load off my shoulders too.

Bad news? Yes. So while I was telling them the good news, an argument broke out (as always) and I ended up just desperately bawling, hugging my parents. It’s not like I wanted to hide my health and conditions from them because of me growing up and wanting to rebel. But I didn’t want to have more stress and expectations and worries to think about in the fixing of my headache. Same for my depression and anxiety. I didn’t want to burden them or make them feel like it’s their fault that I’m like this. I felt so sorry. For them having to have a daughter who turned out like this. A daughter who didn’t take care of herself and brought on so many problems. A daughter who wanted to end her life. But telling them that I’m trying so hard to fix my life now, hopefully they’ll understand and will be there to help me do that. I know I can’t do it alone. It’s hard enough as it is wallowing in the dark, but even harder staying on the path climbing up. One step at a time, that’s how I’ll approach it. Fix my headaches, my sleeping schedule. And one day, maybe I won’t need to depend on sleeping pills and antidepressants. One day, maybe I’ll be able to face my problems head on. One day.

Summer hibernation or loner isolation?

Summer hibernation is the answer I give and loner isolation is the answer I live. Honestly, who hibernates in the summer when the birds, sun, and trees are calling out to you to come out and play? It’s almost funny how people find nothing wrong with my answer. How most of my friends don’t seem to know me that well. On one hand, it may seem like I’m just wasting away my summer, not doing anything, but on the other hand, I AM taking 2 online courses, volunteering, working part time, and attempting to care for my family. Although it’s true that I haven’t been doing much this summer yet, as depression holds me captive most of he time, I feel drained and busy doing nothing at all. I don’t want to go out with friends, I don’t want to socialize…there’s just no extra energy left to do that. Dealing with life and waking up to face the day is a challenge itself. Sounds like a sad life eh? But I just can’t seem to get out of this hole just yet. I’m trying to pull myself up but things just keep coming down, burying me alive in this hole.

I guess ignorance is bliss? I knew that my mom’s high blood pressure couldn’t be a good thing but I guess I didn’t want to face the fact that she has heart damage. Heart damage…I can’t help but keep thinking about things that could happen because of that. It scares me. It scares me that I could lose my mom. It also frustrates me that she treats it like it’s no big deal and continues to live the way she always has. I guess it’s hard to change habits and lives of people who’ve been shaped by their experiences for a good half century. I mean, I have trouble changing my habits and they’ve only been cultivated for 2 decades! I wish I could help her in some way. To heal whatever is possible. But when I’m met with a steel wall with barbs of wire everywhere, it’s hard to get through. It pains me seeing her that way. And seeing my brother having the same traits, I sometimes just hate that they’re like that. People can change. People do change. There are things and people that you shouldn’t allow to ruin your life. And it’s okay to get help. It’s okay to admit you’re hurting. It’s okay to trust others. If she were to die right now, I’d have so many regrets. Regrets of not being able to show my love for her as openly as I do for my dad. Regrets of not being more mature and taking up more responsibilities in the family to lighten her load. Regrets of not being able to protect her from the hurt she’s experienced from her in-laws. She just can’t die yet. Plus, I can’t even handle things now, how will I handle things then? I’m just so selfish eh? It just keeps coming back: what it would be like if both my parents were gone. How I don’t think I’d be able to get back up then. How I don’t even know if I can survive without them. How I can manage to care for both my brother and I. I’m not ready for these thoughts yet. These thoughts confine me with migraines and fatigue, chaining them to my bed where I try to sleep but I can’t. Sleeping pills every night bring me to a restless night where I wake up feeling horrible, yet I force myself to sleep yet again the day after.

I guess change is inevitable. So how to deal with change? By changing along with it. People are (thankfully) not static creatures. Yesterday, I did the bravest thing I’ve ever done and hopefully the bravery carries on for the rest of my days or at least for a while. I cut and dyed my own hair. Dun dun dun… (And it doesn’t look that bad according to my friends!) Growing up as a goody-two-shoes, my parents have basically dictated and owned my life. Recently I’ve started to try to live my own life and it’s been hard. Specially with a brother who loves to tattletale and having the whole family be on the other side no matter the subject of argument. We just never think the same way. Correction, “I” just never think the same way. Therefore, cutting and dyeing my hair was a big step for me. Without asking for their opinion and in a way, changing my look/outlook. I feel more like me. I’ll be living my own life sooner or later, and I don’t mind taking on the consequences of my actions, so why not learn how to make decisions by myself? It sucks feeling bogged down by life AND being restricted in so many other ways as well. We only have one life to live, so let’s make it one that we’re happy with.

It’s not gonna be the same but it’s gonna be alright.

Change is always happening to us. Whether something small like a doing something not in our regular routine like choosing a different restaurant to eat lunch at or something bigger, like moving, new friendships, a death of a loved one. What changes is not important, but it’s the reaction we choose that is. How we react to change in our lives ultimately depicts the effect of the change. Change is hard, but it’s what we choose to make it.

A difficult part of change is letting go and the uncertainty of the consequences of each decision. I met this girl a few years ago and we became best friends very quickly. We found out later that we were childhood friends in Chinese school back when we were 5 or 6, I thought our friendship was just meant to be. She helped me to realize a lot of things, to not be afraid to speak first and to just talk it out if I have a problem with a friend that I care about. However, with our friendship being so awkward now, I don’t know how to do that. I’ve tried reaching out to her, reestablishing that bond we had, but she would stop replying or not reply at all. If she replies, she would stop after one or two. I’ve been trying to look at it in a different perspective. She has a boyfriend, she has school too…but her “I miss you lots” just feel so fake when she doesn’t take the time to reply to my answer to “how are you?” It’s really hard for me to let go of our friendship, frankly, of any friendship. I believe that anyone can stay friends unless they do something heinous, but yet there’s still some good in them that makes them worth being a friend. I guess our “friendship” has shifted more to be acquaintances? Change. It’s not like I can’t live without her, but I feel sad losing a close friend nonetheless.

I guess that’s part of growing up. People come into your life, make an impact, and some stay, but some go. People find new friends, have new lives, die, it’s life. Now how it affects us, we can learn from them and not hate them for “leaving” us, we can try to mend a broken friendship, we can leave it at the “hi and bye”, etc. I won’t forget what happened in my experiences, but I won’t let it dwell on my mind and bring me down. “Look on the bright side”! Anddd it helps focusing on something else, like school.