Coming out (not of the closet!)

So I’ve finally “come out” clean about my secret visits for acupuncture behind my parents’ back and a lot more about my depression. I wanted to share with them the good news. Acupuncture worked (sort of) for my headaches! For 10 whole minutes, I had no pain or tension pressure AT ALL. In 2 long years, it’s the longest I’ve gone without any feeling of a headache. It felt amazing. My head felt so light. So apparently, and probably one of the many causes for my headaches, my spine was all messed up. My C1 and C2 were twisted one way and my C3 and C4 were twisted the other way. Which was probably due to my bad posture and loving to work while lying down with my laptop. Also, being totally right hand dependent, my spine overall is kind of tilted to the left. So now I’ve been more aware of my posture but it’s hard to correct bad habits! Specially since everything’s been going on for so long. However, my bones, my muscles and tension have improved a lot since going. She’s pushed and cracked all my bones til they’ve sort of shifted back into place and my headache has lessened. I still have a constant headache, but it’s not as bad, although it’ll probably last as long as I’m stressed about school. So 2 more years to go?! Ahaha but at least I know that there IS hope for a life without headaches 24/7. And now that I came out to my parents about the good news and bad news, I feel more relieved and that seems to have lifted a load off my shoulders too.

Bad news? Yes. So while I was telling them the good news, an argument broke out (as always) and I ended up just desperately bawling, hugging my parents. It’s not like I wanted to hide my health and conditions from them because of me growing up and wanting to rebel. But I didn’t want to have more stress and expectations and worries to think about in the fixing of my headache. Same for my depression and anxiety. I didn’t want to burden them or make them feel like it’s their fault that I’m like this. I felt so sorry. For them having to have a daughter who turned out like this. A daughter who didn’t take care of herself and brought on so many problems. A daughter who wanted to end her life. But telling them that I’m trying so hard to fix my life now, hopefully they’ll understand and will be there to help me do that. I know I can’t do it alone. It’s hard enough as it is wallowing in the dark, but even harder staying on the path climbing up. One step at a time, that’s how I’ll approach it. Fix my headaches, my sleeping schedule. And one day, maybe I won’t need to depend on sleeping pills and antidepressants. One day, maybe I’ll be able to face my problems head on. One day.

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Addicted to Depression?!

It’s been so long since I’ve posted. So many drafts in my history, unfinished posts that I just never got around to. I’d start and just didn’t have the time, energy, thoughts to finish them. So catching up with a TDLR summary of all the ones I wanted to post…life has been hard between then and now. However, there’s been a difference. I want to do life “right”. I’m doing more impulsive things (good and bad) but I’m starting to live life for myself and not others. I’m starting to learn to love myself and put my energy into relationships that are worth it, not relationships in which I invest too much into hoping for a return. The best impulsive decision so far was the one where I decided I’m going to do something about my life and went to Counselling Services and told someone that I was thinking of suicide. Since then, I found out more about depression and what I had.

Depression. What a depressing word. Once you say you have depression, people act different. They seem to be walking on broken glass around you, scared to “trigger” something or like you’re going to start bawling in front of them because you’re “sad”. Depressed are normal people. Anyways, I’ve been learning more about AA Alcoholics Anonymous recently. No, not because I’m addicted to alcohol. But I’ve learned that it doesn’t apply to just alcoholics. We can be addicted to things bad AND good. And I’ve come to a realization. I was (might still be) addicted to depression. There’s something scary about not having those self-deprecating and pessimistic thoughts when they’ve been there with me for a good 5 years. There’s something that is almost…comforting about worrying. I guess it’s like having control over your thoughts and predicting, knowing that you’re going to fail. As always. It’s much easier expecting the worst and expecting that you’re in the wrong. Trusting yourself and others is scary when human beings have such a high failure rate.

I’ve done the first steps of admitting it and wanting to change. Now how to change? How to do that full U-turn? Haha, I don’t have an answer for that yet. Still formulating it. Still exploring my path. But at least now I have hope that I’ll get out of this hole. Believing for me is the biggest step to take in my depression. Believing that life will get better. Believing that people will like me for who I am. Believing that I can forgive myself. Believing that there it’s worth holding out and trying hard for the future. Believing that I’m worth this journey. Because it’s true. I just have to believe it.