I know it’s already March 15, but I was unable to finish the post yesterday. In Gr. 8 or 9, I memorized 200 numbers of pi in a class competition for math class. It was fun! But yes, it’s 3/14 today and thinking of pies (which I don’t really have a liking to) made me think of circles. Thinking of circles made me think of a clock. Thinking of clocks (you know where this is going) made me think of time in a day, and thus time in general. My mom always reminded me that time fair with everyone. Everyone gets 24 hours in their day and how they use it is up to them. Correlating this all in my mind was the pie graphs we learned to make in elementary school. You can only split the circle with how much you already have, it’s all by percentages. So…how do I split my pie graph of time everyday? I’m still working on a better split of time that’s for sure! I’d say I spend 25% of my time sleeping, 45% at school or doing school related things, 10% commuting, and 20% not doing anything. Actually, it doesn’t look that bad! But that’s just on average. Sometimes time sleeping is decreased to 17%, school only 35%, 10% commuting, and 38% not doing anything. That’s what I’ll have to work on. I definitely need more sleep!And…not all of my time at school or doing school related things is productive, which kind of defeats the purpose I know. But, lately it’s been really hard to not waste time. Thinking about school and overthinking about stress, it’s like David and Goliath with me being David. Impossible! I would stay up trying to use more of my time productively, only to spend more time dealing with the hurricane of thoughts. I almost feel as though I’m going psycho with everything! I really envy my friends who are able to get good grades without studying much and being able to sleep early every night. Well, some of them don’t have the same course load as me, but I do know people who do and are able to keep it up! I really think all this thinking has made me dumber, burning my brain cells. For now, I’ll try to be more productive by staying on a bedtime of 12am and staying off YouTube.
Reading break this year has been…a mental war in the trenches. It didn’t help that I was PMS-ing the week before, on the verge of tears almost all the time. So, my emotions were already all over the place. Then, I start stressing out over the use of my time during reading break. Of course I hoped to use my time wisely and study lots, but it just got too intense in the trench warfare. I don’t even know if I want to fast-forward time or slow down time. I was so tired and I just needed to really take a “break” during reading break. Then the whole cycle begins, never-ending. They’re at a standoff – studying or relaxing, one or the either. Staring each other in the eye, the tension feels as if it’s going to make my brain explode. Each reasoning thought takes a walk in the minefield. It gets so stressful and tiring. It’s even more stressful and tiring than studying itself I bet! And most of these episodes last quite a while…when I look at the clock periodically, an hour has passed. And of course, to give my mind a break, I watch pointless but entertaining YouTube videos. Another hour passes. Then another. And subconsciously, it’s back to the battlefield. It’s so frustrating and I feel as though I’m going to fail myself either way. I can’t get over the fear of this trench warfare. And so the clock keeps on ticking, everything’s stressed, and fear storms in. How is school going to be these upcoming weeks? Intense. I can only hope that I can get myself back on track, clear my mind, and focus on what I need to do without thinking too much. And yes, that is too much to ask of my poor strategic war-torn brain.
Only two days until the pharmacy interview and three days before my midterm. I don’t feel ready at all for either of them. It’s 3 am in the morning, I’ve had a tiring Friday and all I want to do is sleep my worries away. But I can’t. I’m scared that sleeping will take away time that I could have used to study more. However, I can’t even focus right now. I’m so frustrated with myself.
(cont’d the day after)
I need a good night’s sleep tonight so that I can think with a clear mind tomorrow but I doubt I’ll be able to. My mind will probably rebel and think about anything and everything.
(cont’d on the day of the interview OH MY SO SORRY ITS JUST BEEN SUPER BUSY)
So it was quite an experience. It was intense, one after another after another and I lost count of the interviews after the first two. The scenarios were a blur and I could only think of how I messed up on each one then have to clear my mind and think of yet another answer to another scenario. Some of the scenarios gave me a blank and I babbled on. Some I counter argued myself. Yep, I’m pretty scared about the results. Not only that, I now have to study for my midterm tomorrow and have to put aside all my worries about the interview to the back of my mind and not let them disturb me (harder than it sounds). Back to studying!
This new year, I’ve resolved to live without regrets. I deem this impossible because some things we will regret either way. Although I have kept it up for a while, there is now another part bugging me. I’m lazy. It’s human nature. Procrastinating, there never seems to be enough time to do everything! And there’s just so much to do, never ending piling up. Frankly, I’ve just lost the motivation, and I try, but I don’t “want to”. I guess another resolution would be to change my mindset, live like I’m dying, as if each thing would be my last. Oh wouldn’t I try to do my best then! We’ll see how it goes. I haven’t had a good record of keeping new year’s resolutions. This year, hopefully my stubbornness *cough*determination*cough* may hold its ground and pull me through.