Stumbling around

This morning, I got to have a taste of how life would be like without glasses. I couldn’t find my glasses when I woke up this morning. Last time this happened, I was able to get my dad to find it for me. Today, with no one at home, I even tried using my phone camera to see things clearly but still couldn’t find it. I had to wait until my mom got home to find it, and it had somehow gotten itself hidden in my blankets. My eyes are pretty bad…around 500 degrees nearsighted. Everything is blurry and I have to be 6 inches close to see things clearly. I now realize how uncomfortable it is to see everything out of focus. I feel so unstable and I now know why it’s considered a restriction on my driver’s license. I can’t really do anything without my glasses. Not only does it feel very odd, as I’ve been wearing glasses everyday of my life since 1st grade, but it’s even more so that I can’t see things properly, like how I know they should look.

I guess this analogy is perfect for my life right now. So much unknown about the future and the path that I’ll take. It’s not clear, and even the parts that I look at closely seem unclear once I step back and look at the bigger picture. The decisions I make might require me to look really closely for it to be clear while others can see it from far away and at the bigger picture as a whole. It’s also easier if I see how things look through another pair of eyes (phone camera). On the other hand, it also reminds me about focusing. If I try to take in everything at once, it’ll look blurry. But if I’m only looking at one section and get closer, I can focus on what’s important and see it clearly. I definitely need to work on that with prioritizing school and life. It’s hard to study on one thing while you’re worrying about the next things or trying to do other stuff. One thing at a time. 

Dear 30 year old me,

First, you better have said happy birthday to mom, or is she on her vacation already? Yes this seems random but I guess it’s like a time capsule? I have never done one, and I’d like to have some sort of memory to look back on and laugh/ponder about. I’ve lived for 2 decades. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but at the same time it seems like forever. There’s been so much that’s happened in those 2 decades. From a baby to an adult. When you read this, it’ll be 3 decades. It’s interesting thinking how so much can happen in only a few years, in only one year. I wonder if mommy and daddy liked the gift they will have finally received after these 10 years. You better have been saving up well! I hope you learned how to manage your finances. You will have graduated from UBC pharmacy and hopefully gotten a stable job. Do you like it? Have you changed your mind about pharmacy? I wonder if you will still like the same hobbies and celebs that you currently do. Haha why do I feel like I have to remind my future self of all the things I like right now? True I have a bad memory, but I do have all those photo collections of those celebs. Yes, I admit, I fangirl. I hope you don’t do that anymore, or that you don’t get too obsessed since I hope you’re married by now. Better still, maybe you have a baby? Right now, I’m considering adopting even if I’m able to have children. I wonder if you’ll still think that way. I wonder how much has changed, how much has happened. Have you learned how to cook? How to do laundry? I hope you’ve learned to be independent and have moved out. Oh how I wish I can see the future. One thing I know for sure though, is that your best friends are still Stephy and Mel. That won’t change.

However, joking aside, some things I do hope to remind myself are…remember what you’ve living for. Remember who matters. Remember to look at the bigger picture. Give yourself a break sometimes. If I’m already such a huge worrywart and stressed out person now, it’s just going to get worse. Or maybe you will have learned how to really destress yourself and relax. Remember to let yourself cry, but don’t cry too much or for too long. I’ve already started being able to watch action movies at theatres without giving myself chest pains (the pains that apparently are caused by doing too many push-ups). Maybe you’ll be able to like thrillers again like you used to, or if you don’t, it’s alright. Don’t let people pressure you into doing something you don’t want to, but don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. Do what’s right. And if there isn’t a right or wrong, do what is best for others. Don’t forget to do what you love. Sometimes “wasting time” on things and people are worth it and sometimes they’re not. I still haven’t figured out which is which. Maybe you’ll have a better grasp on that. Of course you will. You’ll be more experienced and wiser…I sure hope so. Looking not too far back, I’ve already realized how stupid I was and I hope you will say the same about me. It’s important to not get “stuck” in a stage in life. The world is changing and you’ll have to change along with it, adapt. Keep your beliefs though, and don’t ever, and I mean EVER hurt your family. Even though I sometimes don’t feel like I belong there, its an indescribable bond that I need you to work your butt off on. Don’t ever let it turn into the sort of families you’ve grown up with. Regrets are inevitable, but what I’ve learned is that time heals. So be patient. Give yourself time. However, if the time comes, you need to forgive yourself and get over it. Life is too short for you to remember all those regrets! You’ll have a truckload at your age! Hmm…I think that’s about it. Good luck in life and I hope you’re happy! Don’t be afraid to pursue your happiness.

On a side note, it’s almost funny how I make such a big deal about birthdays and didn’t do anything to celebrate it this year. The first year without a birthday party. Maybe it’s just me not wanting to face the fact that I’m not longer a kid/”teen” but I’m pretty sure I’ll still be a kid at heart forever, yeah? I’m too easily amused and also too easily amazed. Anyways, it just feels as though the big 2-0 means the actual start of adulthood. From now on, I’m living with more responsibilities, with not just “me” in mind. It scares me, but it’s exciting at the same time. Last word of advice? “If you think you can, you can. If you think you can’t, you…still can”

Love,

~20 year old me

Losing happiness, growth, one crazy week

Summer school has already started, but it is nothing compared to what has happened this last week. The craziness began on Sunday, when I went to Science World with my friend. It’s probably been almost 10 years since I’ve last been there for field trips in elementary school! Being a total nerd like I am, or maybe I’m just very easily amused, I absolutely love Science World. I really do believe there’s no age limit for going to a place designed for kids. I go in there and it’s just so…FUN. Everything’s so colourful and interesting, and I love how science amazes me in all those different ways. Every activity in there is explained by science, seems magical, and is full of fun. I probably smiled the whole 4 hours. Oh how I miss my childhood! Even the documentary film we watched at the Omnimax theater was interesting! It was so educational but not boring at the same time, and I learned a lot more about butterflies than I ever thought was possible. All those units on butterflies in elementary school really were nothing! I guess you could say I’m a kid at heart. It doesn’t matter that I’m entering the next decade of my life in less than 2 weeks. Sometimes joy can be found in the littlest of things. You just have to allow yourself to let loose and enjoy it! I just hope my friend isn’t too embarrassed by me and will continue to go do crazy things with me!

Speaking of childhood and happiness, I have come to a theory that we lose happiness as we grow older. Children are born innocent, a blank page onto whom we write their life story. Nature vs nurture. I really do think that nurture plays a bigger part in our lives. Children see everything in their innocent eyes and everything is so interesting to them. Trust me, my mom always reminded me how I used to sit for hours in front of the TV watching people build houses…yeah anything can be interesting to a kid. They don’t understand what boredom is. They might cry a lot, but they don’t know what emotional pain is. They haven’t experienced the real pains of life. As we grow older, we see more things, we understand more, and experience more. We have more memories, good and bad. There’s more responsibilities to think about and people to care about. It just seems easier to feel sad when we get older, and harder to feel happy. Of course there are people who have learned to come to terms with themselves and be content, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll be happy 24/7. I guess we just have to find that happiness and contentment. People say I’m easily amused? I don’t mind. It’s rare that I’m able to let myself go and smile, not worrying about all the thoughts in my mind.

Regarding the last post about visiting the senior home, I did end up going early last week and I don’t think I will continue going. I just can’t face it. Two of the people I usually visit were gone. It seems that as we grow older, we also accumulate more regrets. Oh how I wish I had gone to visit them more often, if I had only forced myself out of my shell to go visit them. Some people say that old people are grouchy and a nuisance. Well, they have a whole bookful of stories and regrets, what do you expect? I really want to befriend new people there and make it so that they can also fill pages with some happy memories. But I just don’t think I can take it anymore. Wear and tear, I get too emotionally attached and I don’t think I can bear seeing another one of them leave me. I sure hope I don’t get to live too long, I’d probably die inside watching all my family and friends leave me. Life’s hard.

Regarding the other post about my mom wanting me to volunteer at a pharmacy (this post is kind of like a follow-up for all those promises and wishes I had written about), I did end up finding a pharmacy to volunteer at. What changed my mind? I guess seeing that life is short. People can be gone in a year, in the blink of an eye. My mom hurt her back recently and I really saw how people age quickly. I don’t want to have regrets with my parents like I did with others. She worries that I won’t get a job when I graduate and there’s tons of other stuff she probably worries about as well. Worries and stress takes a toll on you emotionally and physically and I’d rather not be the cause of her worries. So for her mother’s day present, I surprised her by letting her know of my volunteering and how I’ll be continuing this week. Am I forcing myself to do this? Kind of. It’s tiring, but I can tell that she’s feeling better about my future with me listening to her.

Growth. We all learn and experience different things that can change our life. And only we ourselves can choose how to react to them. We can be told what to do, but in the end, the ending of the stories are written by us. The scene may be set for us and some parts are filled, but there’s still lots that are still yet to be written. As for me, I’m going to write the best story that I can. Stories can always have a twist.