You get what you wish for

RE: my last blog post. Stupidly I asked for it. And life served it to me on a golden platter. I just had an exam review for my lab practical end of term exam. And guess who didn’t pass. It doesn’t mean I fail the course, but that doesn’t make me feel any little bit better. It’s taking so much concentration and energy for me not to let the tears drop. I’ll have a good cry when I get home. Right now, I feel like freezing water was poured over top the grave I’m standing in. Not only buried alive 6 feet under but drowning and freezing too. I don’t know what to say. What words can I say. It was my fault. I don’t even want to blame it on the headache or depression/anxiety. It’s more that I imagined I would ever have to face. And it’ll just be an uphill climb from here. On an overhang. 

Come at me all at once why don’t you

When life is amazing, everything works out and happiness is overflowing. It peaks at the perfect timing and everything is beautiful. Likewise, when life sucks, it sucks to the suckiest it can ever get and all the worst things you can imagine happens. You’re already in a 6 foot deep grave and there’s a mountain of dirt just pouring over you like they’re trying to build the next Mount Everest. If you weren’t dead already, you’ll definitely be dead now.

With all that’s happened these past few days, I already felt my old friend of depression creeping up on me. The negative thoughts and actions buffeting on my weak stronghold of perseverance. It is all the more difficult to get up and go to classes. But a promise to myself is still a promise. And I’ll be needing to fulfill that promise even more now. I thought I had passed all my courses but it turns out I was mistaken. One of my marks was actually below 60% (the mark posted above 60% was just the running average of all marks that the computer automatically adds) which I found out when I got an email regarding the supplemental exam. If I haven’t already been feeling like a failure before, do I ever feel like a failure now. With another one of my dreams being to make my parents proud, it’ll be another dream crushed if I fail pharmacy. They say that they usually make the supplemental exam easier and they want us to pass, but it’s still very scary. I really need to up my game this term after I pass that supplemental exam. I can do this! Even when every fiber of my body wants to give up, I can’t give up. I’ve given all my life for this. I need to show them that I can do things, that I can work hard and become a person that they’re proud of.

Life, if there’s any more things you want to throw at me, go ahead. My will is stronger than ever and I will not give up. I’m betting my life on this.