RE: my last blog post. Stupidly I asked for it. And life served it to me on a golden platter. I just had an exam review for my lab practical end of term exam. And guess who didn’t pass. It doesn’t mean I fail the course, but that doesn’t make me feel any little bit better. It’s taking so much concentration and energy for me not to let the tears drop. I’ll have a good cry when I get home. Right now, I feel like freezing water was poured over top the grave I’m standing in. Not only buried alive 6 feet under but drowning and freezing too. I don’t know what to say. What words can I say. It was my fault. I don’t even want to blame it on the headache or depression/anxiety. It’s more that I imagined I would ever have to face. And it’ll just be an uphill climb from here. On an overhang.
When life is amazing, everything works out and happiness is overflowing. It peaks at the perfect timing and everything is beautiful. Likewise, when life sucks, it sucks to the suckiest it can ever get and all the worst things you can imagine happens. You’re already in a 6 foot deep grave and there’s a mountain of dirt just pouring over you like they’re trying to build the next Mount Everest. If you weren’t dead already, you’ll definitely be dead now.
With all that’s happened these past few days, I already felt my old friend of depression creeping up on me. The negative thoughts and actions buffeting on my weak stronghold of perseverance. It is all the more difficult to get up and go to classes. But a promise to myself is still a promise. And I’ll be needing to fulfill that promise even more now. I thought I had passed all my courses but it turns out I was mistaken. One of my marks was actually below 60% (the mark posted above 60% was just the running average of all marks that the computer automatically adds) which I found out when I got an email regarding the supplemental exam. If I haven’t already been feeling like a failure before, do I ever feel like a failure now. With another one of my dreams being to make my parents proud, it’ll be another dream crushed if I fail pharmacy. They say that they usually make the supplemental exam easier and they want us to pass, but it’s still very scary. I really need to up my game this term after I pass that supplemental exam. I can do this! Even when every fiber of my body wants to give up, I can’t give up. I’ve given all my life for this. I need to show them that I can do things, that I can work hard and become a person that they’re proud of.
Life, if there’s any more things you want to throw at me, go ahead. My will is stronger than ever and I will not give up. I’m betting my life on this.
I give up. Why can I never do what I want to do. Why are my thoughts always wrong and totally opposite of theirs? Why do they not understand me.
If they don’t want me to go on the internship abroad. Fine. I can live without that. But I do want to spend my last 2 free months I have before I graduate more meaningfully. I want to go on a long trip with my mom as promised to see all the places that I gave her in pictures on magnets. I want it to be just me and my mom. Why? Because I feel guilty. I haven’t been very nice to her and she’s done everything for me. She’s suffered so much in her own family and at her in-law’s. I just want to give her what she deserves. She’s also a lot more understanding and willing to hear me out than I had thought. She was very supportive after hearing about my depression and anxiety and would help me to avoid conflict with my brother over things that touched on that. I also don’t know how much more time I will get with my parents. Maybe next time we enter the emergency we may walk out with one less person. Maybe it won’t be just angina but a heart attack. Maybe the cancer that my uncle had is hereditary.
It does hurt that they don’t think I’m good enough or mature enough to go on the internship abroad and alone. It hurts that I’ve tried so hard my whole life for them and I can’t do what I want for a month. It hurts that I am always the one at fault, 1 vs 3. It hurts that they don’t accept my thoughts. It hurts that I’m crying in my room all night and they don’t come to ask if I’m alright or comfort me. It hurts that I have to give up my dreams over and over again because of them. It hurts that they say they support me in whatever I want to do and act otherwise.
I hear them talking outside my room. It doesn’t matter if they misunderstand me. In the bigger picture, that doesn’t matter. What matters is what I do with my life. I thought that the internship or travelling is a worthwhile meaningful contribution to and with my life. I still think so. But it seems as though it’s not going to happen. So I will just keep thinking of ways in which I can contribute to the lives of others near or far, friend or stranger. As for their ways of thinking, I can’t change that (believe me, I’ve tried). I can’t run away from home as much as I want to. And I won’t go ahead and do it out of love and respect for that. I hope that one day they can understand me. But that’s all I can hope and look forward to in the future.
I frequently wonder whether my random ideas and impulsive thoughts are something that is like an enlightenment, or rather my own selfish wishes that I try to justify. For me, these impulses are usually against my norm, against my personality and something that I would never do. Unless I do it right now as I think about it. Then I act before I can regret it. Sometimes they require more planning and therefore they just sit there in my brain, bubbling and growing until I can act on it. Sometimes I’m able to reason with myself why I should or should not do it. Other times, the opportunity seems like it’ll never come again and there I go.
Mostly it’s led to good things happening. I feel like I fulfilled something. I get the chance to do something that I otherwise would regret. Sometimes it even turns into a dream I want to accomplish. And of course, sometimes it turns out it was a dumb decision after all and I regret it oh so much. So here are my current impulses that I want to act on and have not found the ability, time or justification to act on it yet.
- I want to get a tattoo. Yes, I know it’s permanent and it’ll have to be something that I can cover up as I work as a healthcare professional. But there’s just something about the word “believe” that I feel like I need it as a reminder for myself. To be able to see it daily, with me all the time. To believe in myself. To believe in my abilities as a pharmacist, as a person. To believe in love. To believe in the worthiness of life. To believe in people. To believe that the future will hold brighter days. To believe that there are people who love me no matter my failures or successes. Because without believing in all this, my life is meaningless. And I do believe that living can be meaningful.
- I want to volunteer abroad. So I found this Work the World that would allow me to do a pharmacy internship volunteering abroad. It honestly sounds amazing. To be able to see how I can use what I’ve learned and at the same time see how it can be used in other areas. It’s also a great opportunity to immerse myself in other cultures and further my learning and understanding of them. The only setback is the cost. I’ll have to start saving up and possibly find another way of income to cover the cost of the internship itself plus the flights. And as for whether my parents allow me…I need to prepare my arguments for some convincing.
- I want to start tutoring. This impulse came as my idea for a way to cover the cost of the internship. Well, I have been thinking about it for a year now but never got the incentive to do it. I had planned to do some sort of part time tutoring after I became a pharmacist so I could have the best of both worlds and fulfilling my childhood dream to be a teacher. Reading with kids every week with One to One has increased my love for teaching kids and opening them to the amazing world of learning. Learning is lifelong as I can definitely attest to.
Here’s just a few of my current impulses. I guess it can be risky but that’s what life is about. We can’t predict the result of every move we make and life is so much harder when we make decisions based on that. One life to live. Time passes without regard. What can I do with my time and life so that I am content that I have lived my life to the fullest?
So yesterday there was the first snow of Vancouver this 2016 (and of this winter). It was truly a beautiful sight and I was very happy on the ride to school (the heated seat in our new car was a bonus). The trees were all outlined with white and it looked like a picture out of those landscape calendars. It didn’t matter that I had class at 8 not did it matter that it was Monday and the first school day of the year. My heart just felt so full. Even the looming challenge of another school term did not deter me from smiling all throughout the ride.
Last night, I was able to figure out a time for me to meet my bff who had come back from her exchange term not too long ago. Having gone to different high schools, meeting up in person has always been a luxury. Our schedules never fit and it just seemed like we weren’t destined to be. But we always made it work. And I was overjoyed to be able to see her in person finally. It’s just different talking online and seeing words from her versus seeing her in person and getting a facial response and everything (being able to hug and hit her PRN).
Then a tad bit later, I found out a mark for a course I took last term. It had been disappointing that even in exams that I felt okay about, I had gotten below class average. My grades have been averaging 10% below average but still passing, which is kind of bittersweet I guess. Since marks don’t technically matter anymore. But it still hurts my ego considering my grades from before. So when I got a mark that was above class average AND in the high 80s, I was overjoyed. The whole day was perfect and I felt like my heart was going to burst with all the happiness. I felt like my hard work finally paid off even though it was just 1 course out of 9. I felt like the old me might still be there. The one who strived for the very best and not just average (well, not even average now).
On a side note, but still about happiness…I have found out why giving is so much more rewarding than receiving. When I receive presents, I feel their care and love. But when I prepare gifts for them, I’m able to think about memories that we went through and how the object holds significance beyond its usefulness/identity. It also is a way for me to transform my thanks and love into something physical for them to see. And it’s always been easier for me to communicate through writing rather than speech. When I imagine their reaction and see their reaction to my gifts and words, it makes the time it took to prepare it totally worth it. The smile on their face and the connection between us in that moment is priceless. Oh I don’t even know why and whether I should be so happy with school starting and all… but happiness is good. Happiness is something that we can’t force but comes to us, so I’m grateful I have all these opportunities to be happy.