Waking up from a crazy dream this afternoon, the strongest image was the last scene where two of my friends had stayed behind in this team challenge to help me pass it. Everyone else had finished and were gone. (I had gotten lost on this train ride and before that, a hidden staircase camouflaged in the wall….don’t ask) I woke up when a worm turned into a snake and I threw it on the ground before it striked and it had bitten me.
This dream really made me think about why these two were the ones who had stayed behind in my dream to help me. They may not realize it, but these two people mean so much to me. They are 3 and 4 years younger than me respectively and we are the oddest group of friends ever. I was Gr. 12 at the time when our friendship began to blossom. Let me tell you, a graduating Gr. 12 is usually never seen hanging around Gr. 9s, much less Gr. 8s. They are my greatest blessing. It was a time when I felt so out of place with the other people in my grade. They were competitive and I did not like to compete with them and compare myself with them, especially when everyone was going crazy about university applications. I had enough pressure from myself that the extra, unnecessary pressure did more harm than good. It also didn’t help that the other girl in my grade in that fellowship was very different from me and did not understand me at all. I was pretty much a loner by choice. I’m so thankful that during those Friday nights and at Teens Camp, I had the choice of being in the company of these two awesome people. I’d rather been seen as “weird” and “uncool” by the people in my grade than have to pretend to be someone who I wasn’t. And honestly, I was surprised at how accepting these two friends were of me, someone who was older and -I’d say- not cool at all. We would do crazy things together and have so much fun! It’s a joy to watch them grow and I really believe it’ll be a lifelong friendship. An odd friendship but a bond that won’t ever be broken. Like my little sisters, I care so much about them and I just hope that I can provide that support for them like they do for me. I love you guys!
PS: Sorry if my posts have been a bunch of mumble-jumble. Being on Advil the past week due to a constant headache for 6 days isn’t fun. Well, I guess they’ll just have more honest thoughts without any unconscious editing in my brain at all!
I have begun to notice that my memory tends to escape me at random and I always walk into my room to grab something and end up standing there trying so hard to try to remember what I was there to get. It makes me wonder what type of stuff I remember… People say I have a good memory, and I do remember a lot of stuff; a lot of useless stuff. Sometimes I’d rather not remember so much or remember certain things so well! It could be useful on tests when I remember which page that section was on and try to remember the stuff on that page and when I’m memorizing 200 digits of pi. However, it can be a burden when I can’t sleep at night replaying movies that I just watched or conversations that happened that day. It is especially annoying when I’m trying to forget something and thinking about it just helps strengthen that memory, making it come to mind with the tiniest reminders. Anything could be a reminder. I’m pretty sure I can look at pretty much anything and remember something that would make it important to me. Words that people say, songs that are played, places, objects, etc. Remembering the feelings associated with it, it can be hard to keep my composure if I encounter it unexpectedly. That is why I deleted the old conversations I had found on my phone. Most were already in my mind and it’d do me no good re-reading them, concreting them into my memory even more. It’s hard to move on with the collection of memories that I keep. I don’t want to keep them, but it’s just…there. So do I hold hundreds of grudges then? Surprisingly, I do not. I do remember what happened for a long time, but once I see them and interact with them (no matter how close they are to me or not), all those feelings of dislike are gone. All the memories of what they’ve done is gone as well. I just can’t seem to stay mad at someone unless they did something that hurt someone who means a lot to me. Hopefully that memory can be put to good use this upcoming school year with memorizing the important stuff and leaving the not-so-important stuff out. If only I can tell my mind what to remember! Having this sort of random spots of awesome memory also makes my studying habits a bit weird. If I start doing practice questions ahead of time, I sometimes will forget how to do it near exam time. However, if I redo the questions, I can remember seeing that question before and what the answer was, which forces me to do the questions pretty last minute. The bad thing is, concepts that I find out I have trouble with, I do not have as much time to study more on! I have forgotten the purpose of this post now…sorry! Oh brain. My brain definitely has a love hate relationship with me when it comes to memories!