Contentment.

So it’s been about two months since I got my second tattoo, and many many more months since I had been thinking of getting it. I still have the realism collage tattoo idea swimming around, but thought that I might want to wait until more of my life had passed, or some other monumental thing had happened. This one took much more time to sit on, wondering if I should ask my dad to write me a card for my birthday or ask him to rewrite the phrase in his best writing, etc. But in the end, I thought that the authenticity of the feelings and emotions behind every word at that moment back in time would be lost.

So why these words out of the whole page in my graduation gift? Why not the standard “I love you” written in his handwriting? It’s because I’ve come to realize that when I saw these words, it’s as if all the heavy stones I had placed upon my own shoulders disappeared. I had grown up hearing my dad say that all he needed from me was for me to do my “personal best”. However, the way that I interpreted those words were that I could always work harder and push those boundaries to make my “personal best” even “better”. Instead of an encouraging statement, it became the chains on my ankle, taking away my feelings of accomplishment every time something was finished. My goal in life had become “to make my parents proud”, because I had felt that in disappointing myself every time, I was also a disappointment to them. It didn’t help that all my life, we had butted heads on pretty much every single thing I chose to do.

In addition, there was my headache, which they could not understand. It wasn’t until last year when they started to see that it was more than just a headache like they would get, or a pain in their joints that come and go. That I had been living in constant, never-remitting pain in my head for the last 5 (almost 6) years. And they had finally started to understand how it added an extra level of difficulty for simple, everyday things, so how much harder was it for me to go through with my pharmacy degree and become a pharmacist with it.

So for them to acknowledge 1) my headache and all the difficulties that it challenged me with, and that 2) they were proud of me as always, made me feel that no matter what happens from now on, I could be content. It also made me feel less alone in my battles. Knowing that they were cheering me on from behind, that I was already a winner in their eyes, takes off that burden of winning the competition against myself for their sake. Contentment – a state of satisfaction. To be able to experience this emotion after a decade of working myself to pieces to strive that much further was foreign, but made all the sweat and tears worth it. It doesn’t mean that I’ll stop working hard, its just that I won’t do everything like my life depended on it. All my future successes can just be a bonus (well until I find a new goal to go crazy about…but that’s a whole other topic).

One month healed

The original copy in my graduation gift

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Therapeutic felting

So recently I’ve been under a lot of stress, as always. I’ve just finished a week where I had 3 days of exams for my lab courses for which I was surprisingly calm about. They didn’t turn out so bad. However, I was tired. I would take a naps (not just one!) everyday whenever I could. My mind and body was exhausted from my stressing and staying up late. I needed something to get out the stress from my body. So yesterday, while watching goofy YouTube videos with my mom during lunch, I made yet another “felt thing” or whatever they are called.

Felting. Is. Amazing. For stress release.  End of story. My friends say it’s probably because I have violent tendencies (well I do tend to smack people a lot I guess…but not on their face!) but I believe that it’ll work for even the gentlest person I know. All you need to do for felting is to stab a needle over and over again into a piece of wool felt while shaping it and lo and behold, a creation appears. I don’t think of violent things when I felt. It’s just like running and feeling the stress dissipate into the environment, leaving my body, but without all the sweat and fatigue after. I first found out about felting while watching Bubzbeauty’s YouTube videos. She made felt replicas of her dogs and it was adorable. I did think that felt creations were a bit messy and furry to make something cute out of. That must’ve been a year ago when I first saw it. I never thought much about it until I went to a local Daiso and saw a felting kit for making a bear keychain. So I decided, why not try it? It was only two bucks. I tried it and the next time I went to Daiso, I had to get extra wool felt to make more. Not only is the result adorably cute, (although it’s a bit hard to mold minor details and stab them into place) but oh does it feel good to stab something over and over again to make it into something cute! Below are the “results” of my stress! I’m probably going to end up with a lot more felt creatures/creations before this final exam period is over…

made from a kit

made from a kit

Attempt #1 felting without instructions – success!

Attempt #2 – my funny looking way-too-fat cow

Attempt #3 - my bro's reaction: How much did you buy that for?

Attempt #3 – my bro’s reaction: How much did you buy that for?