Sitting in the car after yet another final exam, I looked outside and it amazed me yet again how beautiful cherry blossoms are. It made so grateful to live in beautiful Vancouver where streets are lined with rows of cherry blossom trees. Watching them slowly drift to the ground from the branches onto the street below, a carpet of soft pink petals lining the sidewalk. At that moment, I wanted to be a cherry blossom tree.
No, I don’t think I’m insane from studying…yet. So why a tree? Let me see.. From field trips in elementary school to visit the huge old trees in Stanley Park and learning about how the rings in their trunks showed its age, to seeing the blossoms, trees are quite interesting. It’s history is kept in each ring and it just builds up every year. From the weak saplings, it grows into something so thick and strong. With each year of enduring rain, snow, and wind, it grows stronger. Its branches keep reaching higher and it just grows better when if its pruned. It grows so strong that its roots can uplift concrete, creating the cracks in the sidewalk that made it oh so fun for biking when I was a kid. If there is something in its way of growth, it just grows around it, changing the curve of its branches. And it provides shade when its too sunny and refuge when its raining. Its thick bark protects it from everything. It just thrives on pure nature outside. It becomes bare in the winter, but every spring, blossoms bloom yet again. Then they drop, and make it beautiful all around them. The fragrance of spring that it gives calms my spirit every time. And as I seek shelter from the sweltering heat from the sun in its shade, its ever-increasing strength and tenacity to grow inspires me. If something that is just literally a block of wood can be so strong, so can I. And I can make life around me beautiful too. That’s how amazing life is. Trees are living things with the ability to grow, reproduce, take in and use energy, excrete waste, and respond to the environment. And although not exactly the same type of living, but we live too. “Life” can be pretty fascinating don’t you think?
So Friday was the last day of classes of our whole pharmacy class together as next year it splits into 2 term rotations. Out of the whole 200 something class, I could only say that I had 2 friends. Before I got into pharmacy, I heard that it was like high school. A small class where people clique together and friendships are made. It looks that way. People took pictures together to commemorate the last day of classes of the year. And I don’t even talk to the person I sat beside this whole year. It’s been bittersweet going through these 3 years of school with all these people that I wouldn’t say I even knew. These 3 years where I’ve been so busy holed up in my depression and trapped in my anxiety that I became someone different. Where I was scared to make friends and fear that I would get into “that phase” again and drop all contact. Where I was scared of what other people thought even when I was doing nothing. Where I battled lonely battles with my headaches, losing the fight every time. Where I isolated myself because life was just too hard to deal with anything else. I know it wasn’t the best way to cope and I’m working on the slow process of fixing it. It was my own fault, but I couldn’t help being sad about how everything went these few years. It didn’t help that I also had an exam that didn’t go that well earlier that day. With all these piling up, it hit me hard and the waterfall of tears fell over the dam. With only one year left of university, the only university experiences I really had was going to lectures, going to the library to study, and lots of busing. And I can’t even blame myself as that’s only the shortcut to spiraling into the maze of depression. But I’ll have to take the easy way out this time and deal with these emotions later and take that route of avoidance. Because life keeps going, and 6 finals are waiting for me this month. For anything to get fixed, I’ll need to pass through this next hurdle first. It’s amazing how complicated life is like. And I’m the little character guy navigating through this expert-level maze with 1 life left. It’s good that there are always options to go backwards from dead ends to take other routes and 1 life is all that you need. Because no matter how “expert” your levels of life are, there is a way out and at the end, there’ll be a celebration of passing that level. And I just keep reminding myself that each maze is unique with its hurdles and obstacles. So It’s okay to take your own path as its different from theirs. They can’t see what your maze is like.