The shadow behind

Neurologist appointments always got me feeling depressed after. Not from the appointment itself, but the mental preparation and emotional baggage it entails. In the office, and when I tell my family about how it went, things are stated just as is…facts. To evaluate it like an outsider, to think about options and treatments, to be wholly objective. But once I’m in my room, the floodgate of tears open and I can’t help but think how taxing it is to put all the physical and emotional pain from the headache into words and numbers. I can’t help but think about how you just can’t translate into words and numbers the feeling of being in constant pain for the last 5 (reaching 6) years. And the feeling that yes, I have come to accept the fact that the pain may never go away…but the meaning of that acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m okay with it. And all the talk about more options and treatments? But when they don’t work…how do I deal with the disappointment that you can’t help but build as you wish your hardest for some….for any relief. So there goes yet another night of crying myself to sleep.

Then I can’t help but think…rather than living a long lengthy life and dying old after decades of being in constant pain, what I would give to die young (if life allows), yet still have a fulfilling life. And I guess that thought has always been there for me. I might be so impulsive at times, wanting to do everything that I can once its possible instead of waiting, because I don’t know if the opportunity will come again. And thinking that life is going to be short, I think will make me try to live it to the fullest even more. Cuz who knows? The headache might even get worse as I get older and make it even more difficult to accomplish the things that I want to do.

So I’m going to allow myself to be a lil more reckless, be a lil more impulsive, and be a lil more adventurous. I’ll keep pushing the boundaries my headache’s locked in for me, and step over the comfort zone. And so a week-long trip to Taiwan is being planned, another tattoo is being scheduled, and I just might sign up for a class at a gym to stay accountable to working exercising into my routine. Just like how I don’t want people to view my headache as a disability, I want to do everything that I can when the sun is at its highest point and the shadow of my headache is barely there. All the small victories count in this endless battle against the headache.

I’ve always been scared of the dark, and shadows are hardly any different. The darkness, the unknown. Even if the object itself is not scary, shadows just feel like there’s so much that could be there. There are so many what-ifs. There are things that we want to avoid, but they follow us like shadows. But, no matter how large the shadow is, or how large the obstacle that makes it, the shadow is proof that there is a light somewhere. A light that is beyond the limitations of the obstacle/shadow.

If you know me you know I got nothing to lose
It’s do or die but this time I’m gonna do
If you know me you know I got nothing to lose

Wake up the statues
Breathe out the dust
Shock of a heartbeat
Rush of the blood
Breaking in to my skin
Feel the burning again
I can’t escape it
It’s time to
Rise up from the shadows

– Shadows – The Afters –

Just an impulse?

I frequently wonder whether my random ideas and impulsive thoughts are something that is like an enlightenment, or rather my own selfish wishes that I try to justify. For me, these impulses are usually against my norm, against my personality and something that I would never do. Unless I do it right now as I think about it. Then I act before I can regret it. Sometimes they require more planning and therefore they just sit there in my brain, bubbling and growing until I can act on it. Sometimes I’m able to reason with myself why I should or should not do it. Other times, the opportunity seems like it’ll never come again and there I go.

Mostly it’s led to good things happening. I feel like I fulfilled something. I get the chance to do something that I otherwise would regret. Sometimes it even turns into a dream I want to accomplish. And of course, sometimes it turns out it was a dumb decision after all and I regret it oh so much. So here are my current impulses that I want to act on and have not found the ability, time or justification to act on it yet.

1. I want to get a tattoo. Yes, I know it’s permanent and it’ll have to be something that I can cover up as I work as a healthcare professional. But there’s just something about the word “believe” that I feel like I need it as a reminder for myself. To be able to see it daily, with me all the time. To believe in myself. To believe in my abilities as a pharmacist, as a person. To believe in love. To believe in the worthiness of life. To believe in people. To believe that the future will hold brighter days. To believe that there are people who love me no matter my failures or successes. Because without believing in all this, my life is meaningless. And I do believe that living can be meaningful.
2. I want to volunteer abroad. So I found this Work the World that would allow me to do a pharmacy internship volunteering abroad. It honestly sounds amazing. To be able to see how I can use what I’ve learned and at the same time see how it can be used in other areas. It’s also a great opportunity to immerse myself in other cultures and further my learning and understanding of them. The only setback is the cost. I’ll have to start saving up and possibly find another way of income to cover the cost of the internship itself plus the flights. And as for whether my parents allow me…I need to prepare my arguments for some convincing.
3. I want to start tutoring. This impulse came as my idea for a way to cover the cost of the internship. Well, I have been thinking about it for a year now but never got the incentive to do it. I had planned to do some sort of part time tutoring after I became a pharmacist so I could have the best of both worlds and fulfilling my childhood dream to be a teacher. Reading with kids every week with One to One has increased my love for teaching kids and opening them to the amazing world of learning. Learning is lifelong as I can definitely attest to.

Here’s just a few of my current impulses. I guess it can be risky but that’s what life is about. We can’t predict the result of every move we make and life is so much harder when we make decisions based on that. One life to live. Time passes without regard. What can I do with my time and life so that I am content that I have lived my life to the fullest?