It’s been a tiring week. Stressing out over midterms, losing sleep studying, and just being emotionally tired from carrying all that stress. Honestly, I really don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how some people are so carefree and happy. I’m tired to the point that it’s become a pain talking to people. Everyone seems to easily becoming “annoying” to me and it would take too much energy for me to reply at times. I know out of politeness I should respond even if it’s just a one word response, but it’s like I don’t have energy even for that! I’m so tired of the stress, of the self-hating, of all these thoughts. How do people do it?
Sometimes I wonder “Is it because their life is easier?” How do they get the confidence? Or is it just a mask? I recently watched a drama revolving around makeup. It was quite refreshing. Using makeup as the main idea, people’s lives would be changed with the second chances and new perspectives on life. Makeup can be used to enhance one’s beauty or become a mask for their face and their lives. I just loved watching the lead actress change throughout the series. Seeing her growth, courage, and perseverance, it encouraged me to change my life for the better. Because, “the best way to prove yourself is to become a better person and randomly appear in front of them as the best version of you.” I also really liked how they did not end with a happily ever after where the female lead would end up with the male lead despite him being a jerk to her. She chose to give the second lead a chance because he was the one who was always there. (She originally fell in love with the second lead first then realized that she had feelings for the first lead too) I also liked how both guys would be willing to help her further her relationship with the other guy. To truly love someone is to be able to let go and be their support while they look for their happiness. An anchor. I remember those days when I felt like the world was spinning and going crazy and how having someone who was just there, a constant, made the spinning feel normal. Like how we don’t feel the Earth spinning even though it spins at a speed of 1675 km/h. Right now, life feels like I’m on Earth spinning with no gravity.
I just hate how I feel like giving up. Being stubborn as I am, all I want to do is to prove to everyone who’s looked down or me or thought I am not able to do it. It’s so ironic how I have such low self-esteem too, never believing that I can do it myself, but still trying nevertheless. I just feel like I have so much to prove. Like the female lead, I can see how the person I was and am is not who I want to be. I’m just kind of stuck, running low on gas. And on a random note because I’m tired from sleeping in the morning for two days in a row, it gets so lonely at night. I wish I had friends who were also able to stay up that late either studying or doing nothing. Long walks always seem so short when you’re with someone you can talk to!
Reading break this year has been…a mental war in the trenches. It didn’t help that I was PMS-ing the week before, on the verge of tears almost all the time. So, my emotions were already all over the place. Then, I start stressing out over the use of my time during reading break. Of course I hoped to use my time wisely and study lots, but it just got too intense in the trench warfare. I don’t even know if I want to fast-forward time or slow down time. I was so tired and I just needed to really take a “break” during reading break. Then the whole cycle begins, never-ending. They’re at a standoff – studying or relaxing, one or the either. Staring each other in the eye, the tension feels as if it’s going to make my brain explode. Each reasoning thought takes a walk in the minefield. It gets so stressful and tiring. It’s even more stressful and tiring than studying itself I bet! And most of these episodes last quite a while…when I look at the clock periodically, an hour has passed. And of course, to give my mind a break, I watch pointless but entertaining YouTube videos. Another hour passes. Then another. And subconsciously, it’s back to the battlefield. It’s so frustrating and I feel as though I’m going to fail myself either way. I can’t get over the fear of this trench warfare. And so the clock keeps on ticking, everything’s stressed, and fear storms in. How is school going to be these upcoming weeks? Intense. I can only hope that I can get myself back on track, clear my mind, and focus on what I need to do without thinking too much. And yes, that is too much to ask of my poor strategic war-torn brain.
I remember those days of swimming lessons. Oh how I hated them! I had a bad experience with water at 5 years old where I guess my head was too heavy for my body and I had tipped over on the edge of a beach. My head was submerged in water and I was somewhat “stuck” in that awkward position. Water went up my nose and it was just horrible. I still dislike swimming and getting wet to this day (showers are fine of course!). But my favourite part of swim lessons was learning to tread water. “Pretend you’re paddling a bike underwater”, “move your arms like you’re hugging a teddy bear” was how the instructors would describe it to us. Why did I like treading water in the deep end of the pool?? Simply because my face could be kept out of the water and the movements weren’t large enough like swimming on your back to splash water up onto my face. Since I was sick with the flu last weekend, I got behind a lot of the readings and studying for my courses. It feels like I’m drowning in the deep end. Treading water only works if your head stays above the water! I feel as though even if I get to the surface of the water and catch up, classes still continue on and the pool water just keeps increasing higher and higher over my head. I might get a breath of air, but hardly. There really is no time for a break. The only light I can see is reading week and even that I’m afraid may drop me into the deep end again. Yup, I’m screwed. If only it was possible to walk on water!
It’s been a week of winter holidays and it is oh so hard to bring myself to study. It’s just the stereotypical time to relax and have fun and the studying mindset just isn’t there. Catching up with friends, watching movies, napping…with so much time, I just don’t find time to study! And, time doesn’t stop either. I wish there was a pause button in life.
A pause button would allow me to take a breather before tackling the next problem without having to deal with a gazillion things at once since life loves to throw everything at us. A pause button could prolong the happy moments in life, those fleeting moments of pure joy. I sometimes think that as we grow up, those moments are harder to come by. With a pause button, we can think things through instead of making rash (sometimes stupid) decisions. Thinking things through with a clear mind really makes a difference. At times, I feel like the whole world is revolving around me, too fast, leaving me dazed as to what has happened. A pause button would be nice. And, it’d let me get some studying done, helping the procrastinator.