Current emotions: Runaway by Mat Kearney. This song is one of the many songs that I can listen to and totally relate and then bawl over it, unable to stop pressing “replay”. Every word hits home. I’ve cried more than enough tears in this lifetime. I just want to escape. It’s been such a treacherous journey that seems to be trying to stop me at every turn. It’s hard having to put on that smile on display but it’s even harder to let people see what’s inside. (I’m honestly so thankful for this blog and having this outlet for these thoughts. And even more so, the people who read this blog. The people who read this and don’t judge me. The people who have even “follow”ed me! It feels like I have companions alongside this journey of trying to understand and find my meaning of life, sorting out all my thoughts – serious or not.) Specially these days, when I just want to run away. To run away from life, from people, from troubles, from school, from stress, from my thoughts…basically run away from everything.
It reminds me of when I was in grade 3 and quit piano at RCM Grade 9 level. The same feeling of frustration. Of questioning my own abilities. Feeling like I just wasn’t able to do it. But it bites me in the butt now. What if I hadn’t stopped? Would I have finished ARCT by now? If I had just kept going despite my fingers telling me simply that they couldn’t reach and be stretched in those ways anymore. Despite the fact that my fingers would lock and cause discomfort. However, at the age of 9, I felt way too much pressure to be perfect. All those hours of practice. Thrown away. I said I needed to relax. Was I really unable to do it? What’s wrong with me? Or can I just simply not be able to deal with stress? I hate that. I hate giving up but my stupid mind just seems to want to give up.
Why am I doing what I do or why am not doing what I should or want to do? Is this worth it? Can I even succeed with the path I’m on? (another song to describe this is g.o.d’s Road) Yet another sleepless night where I half torture myself by not sleeping and half torture myself by allowing all those thoughts run through my head. Replay, replay, replay. And now, I just sleep. Sleep and block those thoughts from my head. Sleep hoping that miraculously I could just sleep and never wake up, never have to face it yet again. Then I feel guilty about these thoughts. These thoughts of running away, of just leaving life.
Nobody knows the trouble we’ve seen
Nobody knows the price of this dream
And nobody knows what it took to believe
Nobody, not even me, has figured it out. Especially those who are just looking from the outside in. I’m really grateful for everyone who didn’t judge me. Do you know all that I’ve been through? Even if I describe it, the feeling of experiencing it is something that cannot be transferred through words. Even I can be confused about what I’m believing in or fighting for. The amount of courage to continue, it’s different for everyone. Some people may find it easy to strive for their goal and get back up, but some may live the exact same life and find it hard. We are all unique. Everyone has their own story, their own reasons. In this judgmental world, it’s oh so important to remind myself that it’s ok to be different. It’s okay to find it hard when others may find it easy. We all have our own paths to climb. I guess all I can do right now is keep going until I reach the the end of the path or the beginning of a new one.