The scenic road

1 more week to go for my practicum. I can’t believe that 8 weeks would pass by so quickly and without too many problems! The headache was bearable and I didn’t actually get sick. The atmosphere was great and I really enjoyed it there. I worked my butt off there and I was touched that they saw my sincerity. And so my dream came true. My search for a part-time job for December onward didn’t even begin and it felt like Christmas had already arrived at my door. They didn’t care that I was going to have a delayed graduation, or that I wasn’t the smartest in my grade. Heck, they didn’t even ask for my resume! They were impressed with the care I had for the pharmacy and now I can proudly say that I will have my first pharmacy job starting after my practicum!

Now I don’t have to worry about my parents worrying about me finding a job. I also now have a place where I feel worthwhile, a place where coworkers are caring and encouraging. And I feel so lucky. Honestly, for the jobs that I had and now will have, I have never had to search for or do interviews for. It doesn’t matter that I have to commute 3 hours round trip each time, I’m just so grateful for the opportunity, that they see the potential in me. I can’t wait to work harder than ever. And as I was thinking about why I work so hard, a phrase I’ve heard countless of times comes to mind. “Just do your personal best” says my dad. Over and over again. Personal best, there really isn’t a limit to that in my opinion. So I am willing to work harder and harder to push that limit. So that my personal best really is the best I can give.

So throughout this long windy road of pharmacy with detours and storms, I have finally gotten a chance to look out the window at the scenery I pass. Seeing the people who walk away with a smile on their face after talking to me, seeing the people who feel reassured with their questions answered, seeing the people who just needed someone to hear their story. Although its near the end of the road as I’m in my last year, I know I’ve still got a long ways to go. But now I really believe in myself and in this. That it’ll be worth it. It seems like my wish bracelet’s wish will actually come true: that me and my best friend will find the jobs that we really love.

Chapter 2015, the 21st chapter

I saw this saying somewhere: “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present” by Lao Tzu. If that is correct, then I’m living in the past and the future…anytime but the present! But it is true. I’ve been allowing myself to dwell in my memories that it’s caused me to fear venturing to make new ones. So what’s my new year’s resolution for 2015? To allow myself to let go, to forgive myself of my regrets and truly let it go. To allow myself to be selfish at times, to spoil myself sometimes, and to be healthy. I’ve learned that to be able to fully relax and not worry about anything, even for a short moment, is a blessing. It may be important to work towards life’s goals and success, but what good is it if you’re unable to enjoy the results of your hard work?

So what about the chapters of my book of life that are already written? There are pages worn from all the revisiting, but no matter how many times I go back to it, I can’t edit history. I can’t throw it away either, so I guess I’ll put it up on the bookshelf in my mind just high enough out of my reach but where I can see it as a reminder out of the corner of my eye. A way I’ll work towards that is to remind myself that we’re all human, mistakes happen, and the best form of learning is from making mistakes to know exactly what NOT to do. I just hope that this new chapter won’t have too many big glaring mistakes!

Also, recently, it’s been really hard to restrain my mouth at times from saying the “words I would say” without a filter and make everyone hate me. It’s frustrating. When people don’t understand or misunderstand you, when you want to help or teach people but can’t or don’t know how to, when you DID try to say something but it’s just brushed off. I feel almost like giving up and not explaining myself because frankly I don’t really have the energy to care so much and they probably don’t care either, but there are certain things that I value and believe need to be said nonetheless. I guess I started off this year pretty recklessly with what I wanted or felt like I needed to say. Another life lesson learned the hard way. That’s all my book seems to be full of! Long story short, some other life lessons I’ve learned along the way are: gambling is going to empty your wallet and replace it with regret, drinking is going to ruin your liver and cause stupid things to be said that can’t be taken back, trust is risky but sometimes it’s worth it, drowning in worries may keep you from seeing the beautiful world around you, and lies will hang over your head like a cloud in rainy Vancouver.

But all in all, I’m looking forward to a new year, a wiser me, and more learning experiences to come in 2015! Have a blessed new year and let’s write stories that we can look back and read with a smile.

Learning to fail.

I should’ve been a turtle instead of a human. I love hiding in the comfort of a shell whether it be metaphorically or literally. I also run from all my problems and “hide”. I haven’t learned how to stand my ground and face my problems. Like my feelings of failure, I ended up doing nothing and stay in bed for two days, curling up in the dark and crying. I felt so lost because I found my shell, the comfort of my blanket in my bed, and didn’t know how to get out of it. It’s a big world out there. Today, I had to force myself out of that “place” and go to work. It was a long day and hectic, but it helped me to somewhat get out of that shell and be able to even talk about my marks as a family. I told my parents, but we hadn’t discussed it. (Yeah I actually tell my parents my marks, good and bad!) I guess actually interacting with people took my mind off of the focus of beating myself up. I know no one’s perfect, and I’m definitely not perfect. But, there’s still this stupid part of me that just wants to be “good enough” aka perfect. It’s good to have an ambition and goals, but food for thought: what do you do when you fail to reach those goals? Do you make new goals? Lower your expectations? Strive even harder? Go crazy? Give up? Cry in a hole? These questions have been whirling around in my head. I feel as though I’m a toddler who’s been crawling and feeling confident about it, scared to walk. I’ve taken a few steps, but I’ve fallen and found it hard to get up so I’ve resorted to sucking my thumb and just sitting there (or something like that). It’s a steep learning curve when you fall down/fail. I’m sure everyone will fail a test in their lifetime or fail at something. It’s only the beginning. And I have to remind myself that I don’t have all the time in the world to curl up in a ball and rot by myself. I’ve got family and friends to care about, a job to do, education to finish, and a career and life ahead of me. Everyone’s days are numbered. How we use it…now that’s a different story. It’s not going to be easy, but I can’t run away from everything. At least I got the first step out of the way, a taste of actual failure. Bittersweet. 

PS: I know my feelings are like a bouncing ball, same with my thoughts. Sorry! I don’t have anything to say except…I AM a female…?!