I hate the way I am

Recently, I’ve been very easily irritated, almost to the point where I’m constantly irritated. Most of the time at nothing, really. I think it began after my headaches came this past summer. It’s really hard dealing with people, school, life (basically everything) while you have a constant headache that’s been there for who knows how many days. It’s torturous. I’m sorry to my family for the way I’ve been acting towards them. I’m not mad at them as I seem to be, but I can’t control it sometimes and snap at them. I think the person who’s had it the worse is my dad. I love my dad. He’s my role model and other than the times when he’s so annoying, he’s the best dad in the world. Sure, he’s overprotective which can be very annoying, but it’s because in his eyes I’ll always be the baby girl learning how to walk. He’s been through a lot of hardship in his family and I keep telling myself that I want to make our family something different, where people don’t bully him and take advantage of his kindness. He tries his best to give us the best of everything. He also has the same personality as I do, so I know how he feels. We aren’t good at expressing the love type of feelings in words. And words also hurt the most. It’s heartwrenching when I see myself act this way and so many things I wish I could shove back into my mouth and swallow and watch them dissipate in my stomach acid. (Sorry its like 4 in the morning and I’m going crazy from all the studying for my finals this week. Btw, I didn’t have time to finish my other post but basically, my last post is like garbage now because I ended up having to activate the iPhone the day after I wrote it…the billing started once it was shipped. Maybe my headaches are caused by all the craziness going on in my head! ANYWAYS.) I wish I had the patience and gentle demeanor that I can put on when I’m in public. It’s tiring to have that mask on when I’m tired, stressed, and with a headache, but they’re the people who mean more than the public any old day. Sure, they can piss me off sometimes and they don’t seem to understand me, but they love me and will always be there for me. TobyMac’s “Family” really makes me want to try my best to not ruin what I have. It’s easier for me and my brother to patch things up since we talk the most and there’s so much fights between us that they go as easily as they come. Staying up with him til early in the morning, those honest drowsy conversations are so precious. I do love my family. I’m just really bad at displaying it. I feel like a prickly porcupine trying to hug them. I hope that the little things I’m able to do (like stay up with my brother) will show them that I’m trying to change. I’m trying to learn how to love them and show my appreciation, because I do love and appreciate them. Now it’s back to studying! Got 3 finals in a row this week, two with lots of memorizing and then two more the week after. I’m going to die…

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Reminisce

One thing I do to stay awake when I’m studying late into the night is to watch dramas. Yes, it can be distracting, but at the same time, it helps me focus. Instead of being distracted by everything around me, it channels my focus to studying. Maybe I’m deceiving myself, but it seems to work! So watching all those dramas, my favourite parts are the love stories. The confession, the making up, the silly fun between the two. I came across this quote from one of the dramas and it really hit me. Sometimes, dramas do represent real life. It isn’t just an overly exaggerated story that was made way too complicated. Here’s the quote:

” Do you know how it feels to be betrayed by the one you deeply love? It feels like there’s a huge rock in your heart. You want to cry but you can’t. You keep asking yourself…what did i do wrong? Was it because I’m not good enough? I might not be good enough, but I can be the person who loves you the most in this world. Then I found out. It’s actually because he didn’t love me enough. Being betrayed by the one you trust, it takes a long time to trust someone again. Being hurt by the one you love, you might never recover. “

I can just imagine him feeling that way. How I was the stupid one who hurt him so badly. How after 9 months did we being talking again. How I still think he can never forgive me. Yes I have a tendency to wallow in the pit of depression and regret under great stress. The only ladder from that bottomless pit is music. But yeah, I’ve been reflecting a lot on who I am and who I want to be while preparing for the pharmacy interview. They could ask me anything; what makes me a good pharmacist, what my strengths and weaknesses are, what I’ve learned in life, etc. There’s a ton I would change. I’ll blog about that next time as i have got to go back to studying. =( It never ends.