Believe.

Sooo impulse won and I got the tattoo. On 2/16/2016 at 2:16 pm, I sat in the chair and it all began. Being one who was born on a date that was the square of the month number, I of course had an obsession with dates. It was too far for my birthday to come along so why not a close day that somewhat was special (it was either that day or the 29th since it was leap year) Anyways, after sitting in the chair, in 10 minutes, it was over. It took even longer to prep the tattoo from the design I drew (first pic) to the editing and printing of the design onto a carbon copy kind of paper to putting the template on my wrist (second pic). It didn’t hurt like I expected it to be. It just felt like strong tingly vibrations as she just drew the design once slowly. My hand felt like it was still vibrating afterwards but it wasn’t painful. (third pic) It’s been healing quite nicely, flaking and a bit itchy. We’ll see how it turns out.

As coincidental as it could be, the day before was another day to remember. It was one of those scares where I was just numb from the shock and unable to control my emotions (partially why the tattoo was not painful in my opinion). My dad was exercising and overexerted himself and when he got off the stationary bike, he walked over to the sink and collapsed. He slipped in and out of unconsciousness and my brother had to hold him up. Unlike last time where he had chest pain where I was able to drive him to the emergency and stay controlled, I had another experience with someone fainting and I think it just set it off. Last time was when I was at work and someone had fainted and almost died. I think that was why it hit me so hard. Seeing him limp and unconsciousness, not responding to us, unable to do anything about it. Thankfully he came about and was alright after all. But it was traumatizing and I really hope that he would take better care of himself and be more careful knowing his condition. Now he can’t even do moderate exercise and it pains me to think that the next time he might have a heart attack or just not wake up from unconsciousness the next time. To think of losing him brings on the bucketfuls of tears because I’m not ready yet. If these scare attacks are supposed to prepare me to accept that he may have something serious someday that may take him away from me, I don’t want it. As immature as it sounds. I honestly don’t think I can handle it, even as much as I can believe or try to believe. I guess that’s why having the tattoo done the day after made it even more important of a reminder, to believe. To believe in myself, to believe in brighter days, to believe that in the end, it’ll be okay.


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Literally just trying to survive

These two weeks have been crazy, in their own different way. Two weeks ago, I was hit with the worst of my migraines/headaches (it’s all messed up and constantly there so I can’t even differentiate between them anymore). The pain stayed at 9-10/10 for the whole week. Normally it goes up and down and peaks only once or twice a day, normally only up to 8/10 and would go back to a 3-4/10 baseline background headache with medications or just time and sleep. Nothing brought it down. I couldn’t sleep. I would wake up because of the pain. I couldn’t study. I couldn’t do anything. And my supplemental exam was that week. The timing is ALWAYS perfect when life is messed up. Then Thursday that week, I had a mental breakdown after doing bad in a lab session. It was just way too much to handle and I had suicidal thoughts. Funny how on that day of all days, my dad kept asking if I was okay. Of course, I’m still alive and did not go through with my thoughts. One of the reasons being that I did not want to ruin the reputation of the doctor who prescribed me the sleeping pills. Like who thinks of that? The goody-two-shoes. Or more like I just wanted to find excuses to live. Because I knew they were stupid thoughts.

So Friday (the next day), I stayed in bed all day, beating myself up over even thinking of suicide again and going crazy with the headache pain. Finally that Friday night, I was able to talk to my family about it. They already knew about the headaches and some parts of my depression, but I think that was the first time we talked in detail about it. I told them I wanted to drop out of pharmacy. I didn’t think it was worth it. To be in so much pain, to have depression/anxiety, to be under so much stress just for a degree and a job that I don’t even know if I’ll be happy doing. It especially wasn’t worth it considering that one day I’m so scared that I’ll actually go through with the suicidal thoughts and plans because I just can’t reason with myself anymore or something. I guess I’ve just wanted to hear it from them. That it was okay to give up because I’ve already tried my best. That my health was more important. That my happiness was more important. And that night was the first time that I heard that from them. After 3 hours of crying and talking, I think they could finally understand me. To understand the extent of my pain, that I really was trying my best to fix my life, and how badly I tried to not disappoint them. It also helped me to understand them (especially my brother). That he wanted to care for me the same way that I cared for him, but he didn’t know how to do it. He was also able to help give extra-optimistic perceptions on my situation (e.g. I passed 8/9 courses last term so this term I can pass 8/8 courses). I WILL beat those negative thoughts.

So after our long talk, they still tried to persuade me to just give it my all and not withdraw unless I fail out of it basically. I was torn. Between wanting to be a good daughter and giving myself that rest I knew I needed. Of course, being me, I’m still hanging in there. But now, I have a super strong support system and it’s not a lonely uphill battle but an all out war. My brother has also volunteered himself to be my personal trainer for a regular exercise regimen (which is horrible for someone like me who doesn’t exercise at all except for walking). So hopefully that’ll help. And they’ve been forcing me to eat more healthy (aka eating vegetables that I normally pick out of my food). My intestinal tract hates it as much as I do, but being healthy as a whole is important. Also, the day after, I was able to bring the headache down back to baseline pain level (yay!) with a new medication (fun fact: metoclopramide which is normally used for gastric motility/GERD is used in migraine emergencies with IV administration). So although it was taken orally as a tablet, it worked as a temporary solution. And now my migraines/headache is back to the regular peak and trough (double yay!).

And this week, school has been crazy. I had to contact professors for classes missed, catch up on materials I had neglected due to studying for the supplemental, and prepare for 2 midterms. I have no idea how, but I was able to sort it all out. My mom was commenting on how strong the mind can be because she asked how school was and I said it was okay now when just a few days ago it seemed like the end of the world. I just hope that if another situation like that hits again, I’ll only get back up even stronger. It doesn’t matter if I fall down a hundred times, because it’s only important that you get back up after each fall. Because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Literally. Whatever you’re faced with that you don’t think you can ever overcome, you CAN overcome. Sometimes we don’t know how, but it’s one of life’s amazing mysteries. And you can only find out if you stay alive. So I’m going to give it all I have and stay alive.

(Oh and for those who care to know, since I haven’t posted since finding out about having the supplemental exam, it was hard writing it with a huge migraine/headache, but I think I should pass. The marks haven’t come out yet. I shall update the good news (knock on wood) when it is out).

Happy 3.14159265358979323846264 Day!

I know it’s already March 15, but I was unable to finish the post yesterday. In Gr. 8 or 9, I memorized 200 numbers of pi in a class competition for math class. It was fun! But yes, it’s 3/14 today and thinking of pies (which I don’t really have a liking to) made me think of circles. Thinking of circles made me think of a clock. Thinking of clocks (you know where this is going) made me think of time in a day, and thus time in general. My mom always reminded me that time fair with everyone. Everyone gets 24 hours in their day and how they use it is up to them. Correlating this all in my mind was the pie graphs we learned to make in elementary school. You can only split the circle with how much you already have, it’s all by percentages. So…how do I split my pie graph of time everyday? I’m still working on a better split of time that’s for sure! I’d say I spend 25% of my time sleeping, 45% at school or doing school related things, 10% commuting, and 20% not doing anything. Actually, it doesn’t look that bad! But that’s just on average. Sometimes time sleeping is decreased to 17%, school only 35%, 10% commuting, and 38% not doing anything. That’s what I’ll have to work on. I definitely need more sleep!And…not all of my time at school or doing school related things is productive, which kind of defeats the purpose I know. But, lately it’s been really hard to not waste time. Thinking about school and overthinking about stress, it’s like David and Goliath with me being David. Impossible! I would stay up trying to use more of my time productively, only to spend more time dealing with the hurricane of thoughts. I almost feel as though I’m going psycho with everything! I really envy my friends who are able to get good grades without studying much and being able to sleep early every night. Well, some of them don’t have the same course load as me, but I do know people who do and are able to keep it up! I really think all this thinking has made me dumber, burning my brain cells. For now, I’ll try to be more productive by staying on a bedtime of 12am and staying off YouTube.

Chugging onwards

It’s been a tiring week. Stressing out over midterms, losing sleep studying, and just being emotionally tired from carrying all that stress. Honestly, I really don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how some people are so carefree and happy. I’m tired to the point that it’s become a pain talking to people. Everyone seems to easily becoming “annoying” to me and it would take too much energy for me to reply at times. I know out of politeness I should respond even if it’s just a one word response, but it’s like I don’t have energy even for that! I’m so tired of the stress, of the self-hating, of all these thoughts. How do people do it?

Sometimes I wonder “Is it because their life is easier?” How do they get the confidence? Or is it just a mask? I recently watched a drama revolving around makeup. It was quite refreshing. Using makeup as the main idea, people’s lives would be changed with the second chances and new perspectives on life. Makeup can be used to enhance one’s beauty or become a mask for their face and their lives. I just loved watching the lead actress change throughout the series. Seeing her growth, courage, and perseverance, it encouraged me to change my life for the better. Because, “the best way to prove yourself is to become a better person and randomly appear in front of them as the best version of you.” I also really liked how they did not end with a happily ever after where the female lead would end up with the male lead despite him being a jerk to her. She chose to give the second lead a chance because he was the one who was always there. (She originally fell in love with the second lead first then realized that she had feelings for the first lead too) I also liked how both guys would be willing to help her further her relationship with the other guy. To truly love someone is to be able to let go and be their support while they look for their happiness. An anchor. I remember those days when I felt like the world was spinning and going crazy and how having someone who was just there, a constant, made the spinning feel normal. Like how we don’t feel the Earth spinning even though it spins at a speed of 1675 km/h. Right now, life feels like I’m on Earth spinning with no gravity.

I just hate how I feel like giving up. Being stubborn as I am, all I want to do is to prove to everyone who’s looked down or me or thought I am not able to do it. It’s so ironic how I have such low self-esteem too, never believing that I can do it myself, but still trying nevertheless. I just feel like I have so much to prove. Like the female lead, I can see how the person I was and am is not who I want to be. I’m just kind of stuck, running low on gas. And on a random note because I’m tired from sleeping in the morning for two days in a row, it gets so lonely at night. I wish I had friends who were also able to stay up that late either studying or doing nothing. Long walks always seem so short when you’re with someone you can talk to!

Dying inside.

My first failed test in my life. I can’t explain how I’m feeling inside. It’s like I feel like the whole life of mine has crashed into a wall of cement plastered with failure all over it. I lost the drive. I think that the extra expectation from everyone else for me to do well built that wall to be a stronghold. Granted the test was the 3rd of 3 exams in 3 days and left me one day to study, but there are no excuses. I could have better used my time, got on top of things during the term, and done better. At least the class is a two term course, so I can still make up for it. It doesn’t matter that I have a chronic headache. I don’t care. I have yet to cry (I’ll leave that for my ‘cry myself to sleep’ episode), but I’ve been crying inside all day. I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t know how to deal with this new feeling.

After finding out 3 more of my marks. I barely passed the final for one and ended up with a final mark below average. It’s so depressing to think how it’s my first course below average. I don’t know whether it discourages and brings down my expectations or encourages me to work harder, it’s scary. The other 2 marks were A+, but that does little to console my feelings. I can’t help but dwell on the bad things. It’s always easier to feel the rain than find the rainbow! I just feel like such a failure. Everyone says I’m smart, hardworking, etc, but I’m not! Here’s to prove it!!! I just want to dig a hole and sleep forever. My headache is killing me since last nights crying. Not getting into the Christmas spirit, and it’s even snowing outside. I feel so lonely in my sadness.

The only thing that made me smile in the last 24 hours is this blog, surprisingly. It’s officially been a year since I first started this blog. And I also passed 1000 views. It’s crazy just thinking about it. I never expected to even have any views, with the sole purpose of just getting out these thoughts, but I hope that maybe whoever is reading these posts can relate and find my perspective helpful or interesting to say the least. I guess the conclusion of this post and my black hole is that there’s always some sort of light at the end of every tunnel, though it may be small and far from the exit. That little light might be just enough to keep you going until you reach the end of the tunnel or find a way to keep going.