Dying inside.

My first failed test in my life. I can’t explain how I’m feeling inside. It’s like I feel like the whole life of mine has crashed into a wall of cement plastered with failure all over it. I lost the drive. I think that the extra expectation from everyone else for me to do well built that wall to be a stronghold. Granted the test was the 3rd of 3 exams in 3 days and left me one day to study, but there are no excuses. I could have better used my time, got on top of things during the term, and done better. At least the class is a two term course, so I can still make up for it. It doesn’t matter that I have a chronic headache. I don’t care. I have yet to cry (I’ll leave that for my ‘cry myself to sleep’ episode), but I’ve been crying inside all day. I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t know how to deal with this new feeling.

After finding out 3 more of my marks. I barely passed the final for one and ended up with a final mark below average. It’s so depressing to think how it’s my first course below average. I don’t know whether it discourages and brings down my expectations or encourages me to work harder, it’s scary. The other 2 marks were A+, but that does little to console my feelings. I can’t help but dwell on the bad things. It’s always easier to feel the rain than find the rainbow! I just feel like such a failure. Everyone says I’m smart, hardworking, etc, but I’m not! Here’s to prove it!!! I just want to dig a hole and sleep forever. My headache is killing me since last nights crying. Not getting into the Christmas spirit, and it’s even snowing outside. I feel so lonely in my sadness.

The only thing that made me smile in the last 24 hours is this blog, surprisingly. It’s officially been a year since I first started this blog. And I also passed 1000 views. It’s crazy just thinking about it. I never expected to even have any views, with the sole purpose of just getting out these thoughts, but I hope that maybe whoever is reading these posts can relate and find my perspective helpful or interesting to say the least. I guess the conclusion of this post and my black hole is that there’s always some sort of light at the end of every tunnel, though it may be small and far from the exit. That little light might be just enough to keep you going until you reach the end of the tunnel or find a way to keep going.

a failure.

I am a people-pleaser. As long as I can remember, I wanted people to like me. Well, who doesn’t? But it became the goal of my life. To do what people wanted me to do, to be who people wanted me to be. I changed my personality in Grade 2 from a cheerful, carefree kid to become a reserved, quiet kid to appease my best friend. She said I was a smart aleck and teacher’s pet and if I continued raising my hand all the time, she wouldn’t be my friend anymore. To please her, I did whatever she wanted. Friendship was that important to me, even back in Grade 2. If I could go back, would I do things differently? Yes, definitely. I would look at myself, ask if I was being a smart aleck, and tone it down if I was, but not shut down and do whatever she wanted. If she’s trying to control me like that by threatening me, then frankly she wasn’t worth my time. We’re still friends, but there are times when I can see our kid-personalities showing through. Everyone’s still growing up and finding themselves. 

Being a people-pleaser, I’m extremely scared of failing. Not exactly the failing below 50% failing, but failing people’s expectations. As a result of trying to reach everyone else’s expectations, my expectations are very high. It’s almost impossible to accept myself for who I am. I hate being a failure to people and to myself. I’m always thinking (and commonly overthinking), and after today, I’ve learned yet a little bit more about “why”. I dropped a bowl of soup today which shattered into pieces. My family immediately started berating me, basically stating how I was a failure and can’t even hold a bowl of soup properly. I’m always compared to the worst people who would be termed “failures” in life. My cousins who are high school dropouts, aunts who are lazy and don’t try to succeed in life, etc. How do they expect me to succeed when all I hear is what a failure I am? My good grades? Doesn’t matter. I’m a failure at being the good daughter, I spend too much time talking to friends, I could have studied more and gotten even better grades, and I’ll never change. Hey maybe that’s why I like talking to friends, because they accept me for who I am and don’t pick on my downfalls. Nobody is perfect. 

Sigh, I really just want to prove them wrong, show that I’m not a failure. But I wonder at times, if it’s worth the trouble. Why don’t I just be a failure and show them what that actually means? How I would really be if I was a “failure” since they seem to think of me that way anways? Yeah, when I’m down, I like listening to songs like Get Back Up by TobyMac or other motivational songs about never giving up and looking for silver linings. But, how do I get up when I’m just constantly pushed down? It’s an additional weight for me to push against. I’m just so tired of getting up under these conditions. Life is tiring. Pleasing people is tiring. I’m honestly scared that someday I’m going to break and just look for love in a stupid place, where someone will lie to me, say they love me, and hurt me. I guess for now I’ll just have to keep telling myself that I’m worthy and able to succeed at the things I do. Like a flower growing between the cracks of the sidewalk, trod on under so many footsteps, I’ll try to keep growing because as long as I have the sun, water, and nutrients, I can grow and get stronger.