Literally just trying to survive

These two weeks have been crazy, in their own different way. Two weeks ago, I was hit with the worst of my migraines/headaches (it’s all messed up and constantly there so I can’t even differentiate between them anymore). The pain stayed at 9-10/10 for the whole week. Normally it goes up and down and peaks only once or twice a day, normally only up to 8/10 and would go back to a 3-4/10 baseline background headache with medications or just time and sleep. Nothing brought it down. I couldn’t sleep. I would wake up because of the pain. I couldn’t study. I couldn’t do anything. And my supplemental exam was that week. The timing is ALWAYS perfect when life is messed up. Then Thursday that week, I had a mental breakdown after doing bad in a lab session. It was just way too much to handle and I had suicidal thoughts. Funny how on that day of all days, my dad kept asking if I was okay. Of course, I’m still alive and did not go through with my thoughts. One of the reasons being that I did not want to ruin the reputation of the doctor who prescribed me the sleeping pills. Like who thinks of that? The goody-two-shoes. Or more like I just wanted to find excuses to live. Because I knew they were stupid thoughts.

So Friday (the next day), I stayed in bed all day, beating myself up over even thinking of suicide again and going crazy with the headache pain. Finally that Friday night, I was able to talk to my family about it. They already knew about the headaches and some parts of my depression, but I think that was the first time we talked in detail about it. I told them I wanted to drop out of pharmacy. I didn’t think it was worth it. To be in so much pain, to have depression/anxiety, to be under so much stress just for a degree and a job that I don’t even know if I’ll be happy doing. It especially wasn’t worth it considering that one day I’m so scared that I’ll actually go through with the suicidal thoughts and plans because I just can’t reason with myself anymore or something. I guess I’ve just wanted to hear it from them. That it was okay to give up because I’ve already tried my best. That my health was more important. That my happiness was more important. And that night was the first time that I heard that from them. After 3 hours of crying and talking, I think they could finally understand me. To understand the extent of my pain, that I really was trying my best to fix my life, and how badly I tried to not disappoint them. It also helped me to understand them (especially my brother). That he wanted to care for me the same way that I cared for him, but he didn’t know how to do it. He was also able to help give extra-optimistic perceptions on my situation (e.g. I passed 8/9 courses last term so this term I can pass 8/8 courses). I WILL beat those negative thoughts.

So after our long talk, they still tried to persuade me to just give it my all and not withdraw unless I fail out of it basically. I was torn. Between wanting to be a good daughter and giving myself that rest I knew I needed. Of course, being me, I’m still hanging in there. But now, I have a super strong support system and it’s not a lonely uphill battle but an all out war. My brother has also volunteered himself to be my personal trainer for a regular exercise regimen (which is horrible for someone like me who doesn’t exercise at all except for walking). So hopefully that’ll help. And they’ve been forcing me to eat more healthy (aka eating vegetables that I normally pick out of my food). My intestinal tract hates it as much as I do, but being healthy as a whole is important. Also, the day after, I was able to bring the headache down back to baseline pain level (yay!) with a new medication (fun fact: metoclopramide which is normally used for gastric motility/GERD is used in migraine emergencies with IV administration). So although it was taken orally as a tablet, it worked as a temporary solution. And now my migraines/headache is back to the regular peak and trough (double yay!).

And this week, school has been crazy. I had to contact professors for classes missed, catch up on materials I had neglected due to studying for the supplemental, and prepare for 2 midterms. I have no idea how, but I was able to sort it all out. My mom was commenting on how strong the mind can be because she asked how school was and I said it was okay now when just a few days ago it seemed like the end of the world. I just hope that if another situation like that hits again, I’ll only get back up even stronger. It doesn’t matter if I fall down a hundred times, because it’s only important that you get back up after each fall. Because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Literally. Whatever you’re faced with that you don’t think you can ever overcome, you CAN overcome. Sometimes we don’t know how, but it’s one of life’s amazing mysteries. And you can only find out if you stay alive. So I’m going to give it all I have and stay alive.

(Oh and for those who care to know, since I haven’t posted since finding out about having the supplemental exam, it was hard writing it with a huge migraine/headache, but I think I should pass. The marks haven’t come out yet. I shall update the good news (knock on wood) when it is out).

You get what you wish for 

RE: my last blog post. Stupidly I asked for it. And life served it to me on a golden platter. I just had an exam review for my lab practical end of term exam. And guess who didn’t pass. It doesn’t mean I fail the course, but that doesn’t make me feel any little bit better. It’s taking so much concentration and energy for me not to let the tears drop. I’ll have a good cry when I get home. Right now, I feel like freezing water was poured over top the grave I’m standing in. Not only buried alive 6 feet under but drowning and freezing too. I don’t know what to say. What words can I say. It was my fault. I don’t even want to blame it on the headache or depression/anxiety. It’s more that I imagined I would ever have to face. And it’ll just be an uphill climb from here. On an overhang. 

Come at me all at once why don’t you

When life is amazing, everything works out and happiness is overflowing. It peaks at the perfect timing and everything is beautiful. Likewise, when life sucks, it sucks to the suckiest it can ever get and all the worst things you can imagine happens. You’re already in a 6 foot deep grave and there’s a mountain of dirt just pouring over you like they’re trying to build the next Mount Everest. If you weren’t dead already, you’ll definitely be dead now.

With all that’s happened these past few days, I already felt my old friend of depression creeping up on me. The negative thoughts and actions buffeting on my weak stronghold of perseverance. It is all the more difficult to get up and go to classes. But a promise to myself is still a promise. And I’ll be needing to fulfill that promise even more now. I thought I had passed all my courses but it turns out I was mistaken. One of my marks was actually below 60% (the mark posted above 60% was just the running average of all marks that the computer automatically adds) which I found out when I got an email regarding the supplemental exam. If I haven’t already been feeling like a failure before, do I ever feel like a failure now. With another one of my dreams being to make my parents proud, it’ll be another dream crushed if I fail pharmacy. They say that they usually make the supplemental exam easier and they want us to pass, but it’s still very scary. I really need to up my game this term after I pass that supplemental exam. I can do this! Even when every fiber of my body wants to give up, I can’t give up. I’ve given all my life for this. I need to show them that I can do things, that I can work hard and become a person that they’re proud of.

Life, if there’s any more things you want to throw at me, go ahead. My will is stronger than ever and I will not give up. I’m betting my life on this.

Happy 3.14159265358979323846264 Day!

I know it’s already March 15, but I was unable to finish the post yesterday. In Gr. 8 or 9, I memorized 200 numbers of pi in a class competition for math class. It was fun! But yes, it’s 3/14 today and thinking of pies (which I don’t really have a liking to) made me think of circles. Thinking of circles made me think of a clock. Thinking of clocks (you know where this is going) made me think of time in a day, and thus time in general. My mom always reminded me that time fair with everyone. Everyone gets 24 hours in their day and how they use it is up to them. Correlating this all in my mind was the pie graphs we learned to make in elementary school. You can only split the circle with how much you already have, it’s all by percentages. So…how do I split my pie graph of time everyday? I’m still working on a better split of time that’s for sure! I’d say I spend 25% of my time sleeping, 45% at school or doing school related things, 10% commuting, and 20% not doing anything. Actually, it doesn’t look that bad! But that’s just on average. Sometimes time sleeping is decreased to 17%, school only 35%, 10% commuting, and 38% not doing anything. That’s what I’ll have to work on. I definitely need more sleep!And…not all of my time at school or doing school related things is productive, which kind of defeats the purpose I know. But, lately it’s been really hard to not waste time. Thinking about school and overthinking about stress, it’s like David and Goliath with me being David. Impossible! I would stay up trying to use more of my time productively, only to spend more time dealing with the hurricane of thoughts. I almost feel as though I’m going psycho with everything! I really envy my friends who are able to get good grades without studying much and being able to sleep early every night. Well, some of them don’t have the same course load as me, but I do know people who do and are able to keep it up! I really think all this thinking has made me dumber, burning my brain cells. For now, I’ll try to be more productive by staying on a bedtime of 12am and staying off YouTube.

Chugging onwards

It’s been a tiring week. Stressing out over midterms, losing sleep studying, and just being emotionally tired from carrying all that stress. Honestly, I really don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how some people are so carefree and happy. I’m tired to the point that it’s become a pain talking to people. Everyone seems to easily becoming “annoying” to me and it would take too much energy for me to reply at times. I know out of politeness I should respond even if it’s just a one word response, but it’s like I don’t have energy even for that! I’m so tired of the stress, of the self-hating, of all these thoughts. How do people do it?

Sometimes I wonder “Is it because their life is easier?” How do they get the confidence? Or is it just a mask? I recently watched a drama revolving around makeup. It was quite refreshing. Using makeup as the main idea, people’s lives would be changed with the second chances and new perspectives on life. Makeup can be used to enhance one’s beauty or become a mask for their face and their lives. I just loved watching the lead actress change throughout the series. Seeing her growth, courage, and perseverance, it encouraged me to change my life for the better. Because, “the best way to prove yourself is to become a better person and randomly appear in front of them as the best version of you.” I also really liked how they did not end with a happily ever after where the female lead would end up with the male lead despite him being a jerk to her. She chose to give the second lead a chance because he was the one who was always there. (She originally fell in love with the second lead first then realized that she had feelings for the first lead too) I also liked how both guys would be willing to help her further her relationship with the other guy. To truly love someone is to be able to let go and be their support while they look for their happiness. An anchor. I remember those days when I felt like the world was spinning and going crazy and how having someone who was just there, a constant, made the spinning feel normal. Like how we don’t feel the Earth spinning even though it spins at a speed of 1675 km/h. Right now, life feels like I’m on Earth spinning with no gravity.

I just hate how I feel like giving up. Being stubborn as I am, all I want to do is to prove to everyone who’s looked down or me or thought I am not able to do it. It’s so ironic how I have such low self-esteem too, never believing that I can do it myself, but still trying nevertheless. I just feel like I have so much to prove. Like the female lead, I can see how the person I was and am is not who I want to be. I’m just kind of stuck, running low on gas. And on a random note because I’m tired from sleeping in the morning for two days in a row, it gets so lonely at night. I wish I had friends who were also able to stay up that late either studying or doing nothing. Long walks always seem so short when you’re with someone you can talk to!