Patience. Patience. Patience….oh asdfghjkl.

So my old wonky HTC Desire is almost 3 years old and has been giving me quite some trouble. Let’s face’s old. My SIM contacts multiply randomly and can’t be deleted, the sound control sometimes doesn’t work, and it pops up “low on storage space” which disappears soon after. Thankfully, as it is reaching 3 years old, it also means that my 3 year contract is almost over! However, almost still means a month. Doesn’t sound too bad…time flies? BUT. It’s a long time when I have a new iPhone 5s sitting there waiting to be activated that I just picked up!! I can’t use it even for non-phone functions without activating it but neither do my parents want to pay a $100 bill for the two phone plans. So…I have to wait until the end of December (until two weeks after I’m done finals!!) to activate and enjoy my new phone. Ahhh I’m so tempted to just fork out $50 to use it right now. But it’s not necessary. And as a mature(ing) young adult, I can be patient. The old phone is still usable. I sound like a whiny kid wanting to play with a new toy I know. But I’m sure people at all ages would feel the same way, having something so accessible but unable to touch it. Imagine you just bought your favourite candy and it’s in your hand, but because you’re on a health diet, you have to wait until a month later to eat it. Ohh just thinking about it is hard! Or maybe I’m just an impatient person…

I’ve never had much patience. I guess it originates from my personality of doing things quickly. I want to get things over with, and happen to be able to work quickly or find ways to do things quickly so that it’s done and over with. When I talk, my tongue can barely catch up to the racing speed of my thoughts and I tend to stutter or slur my words. I love drinking cold liquids in big gulps and feeling the “whoosh” of the cold mouthful entering my stomach. I also happen to catch on things quickly and learn quickly. Many times, I can get frustrated or impatient when people are not as quick as I would like them to be; in learning something, in doing something, or whatever can be done quicker. I’m still learning patience. Working with kids really helped since you can’t get mad at kids for not understanding something at a faster speed…they’re too cute! But seriously, the volunteering I did with kids and seniors really helped me in improving my patience when dealing with people who may not be on the same tempo as me and that require some extra help. Of course, I’ve still got lots to learn, and I believe that all the little lessons of patience (waiting to use the iPhone) will help me mature and become the best person I can be in the future towards the people around me.

However, I really need to slow down and not just for the people to catch up after my tornado, but also for my own good. Rushing through things, I tend to finish quickly, but also have a lot of careless mistakes. That has happened more than enough times on tests especially! I also sometimes miss the little moments in life that could have been appreciated. I just learned two years ago in the summer how taking a walk and just looking around can be so therapeutic. The trees, the sky, the birds…it’s beautiful. Walking isn’t only for reaching the destination as quickly as possible like it used to be. I’m also very unobservational because of this. I don’t see what other people see. I’m very selective in my sight and hearing, good for school and studying, but not for noticing things that can make a difference. I selectively care for the people that are important to me, but I have now realized that I should be more observant to everyone around me. Noticing their feelings, their reactions, their responses, and allowing myself to make a positive difference in it. Rushing on a Friday evening to London Drugs to buy earphones before meeting up with my friends, I happened to notice a homeless man sitting in the cold. He had a sign that had something along the lines of “appreciate anything to help in the cold, awaiting shoulder surgery” and he had his hands shoved between his knees to try to keep them warm. This is the first time I actually read the sign a homeless man held up. My heart went out to him in the cold weather and I bought him a pair of mittens from London Drugs while I was there. Being patient, taking the time to help others in your rush or goals, patience isn’t just about waiting for something. It’s taking a detour that might slow you down but benefit others and benefit yourself too. Giving will give yourself a feeling that is just as good if not better as receiving!

Erasing moments

I try as hard as I can to forget things. Things that I’m embarrassed about, upset over, or just things that break my heart all over again just thinking about it. My poor brain gets the worst of it, trying to remember things for school so hard and being accustomed to remembering everything. Memories can be nice. Memories can bring smiles, laughter, and love. But it can also be that haunting reminder of things that should not have happened. No matter how hard I try to forget something, it always lives on. We can’t just “erase” a part of our life. It’ll always exist in some way. Even though I’ve deleted every conversation history I had on my old laptop and phone, I can still remember the conversations in my mind as though I was reading them from a book. So many regrets, so many things I wish I could take back. And so many things I wish I had said. Too bad time travelling doesn’t exist! I guess its for the better…or it’ll be chaotic with everyone trying to change their lives, their every moment, their every mistake. And the really stupid thing is how the good memories slip slowly away from my mind. They get replaced, they become unimportant, or they are just…forgotten. It seems almost like my mind has an affinity for the sad or unpleasant memories. Why? Maybe because I dwell on those thoughts and when I try to reach for happy thoughts, it’s too late. Like a balloon just floating out of reach, I can see it and feel it, but I just can’t catch it. So I guess I just have to start appreciating the good memories, giving them more of my thinking time, and replace the unimportant regrets of things I can’t change, forgetting them. I can learn from my mistakes and take it to heart, but dwelling on them will just take up time and space in my mind which can be used to store more meaningful and beneficial memories! 

Ships in the night.

I love the cold but I hate it. You know winter is fast approaching when you wake up in the morning to bus to school and it feels like the night is just starting. It’s freezing cold, the street lights are still on, and the sky is an ominous grey. Winters where I am are already not considered harsh; some places are snowing already! However, as someone who gets cold really easily and is living in a house where the heat is not working…it’s cold. And on top of that, I’ve been feeling “cold” inside as well.

Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe it’s the depression, or maybe it’s just the mixture of everything going on in life right now, but I’ve been feeling like “ships in the night” (Mat Kearney). I’m desperately trying to believe in my own silent way, fumbling through the grey, trying to find a heart that’s not walking away. It feels like we’re learning this out on our own, trying to find a way down a road we don’t know. All I want to do is turn the lights down low and walk these halls alone because I feel so far from so close. We’re just wasting time and if it all goes crashing into the sea and it’s just you and me like ships in the night. You keep passing me by and we’re just trying to find the light. I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it. The emotions just felt so raw, everyone’s on the same journey. Life’s hard and it can be so lonely when you feel lost, like you’re just trying to figure out where you are, who you are. Passing people, they can be strangers or your friends that just seem so far away, happy in their own lives. The worst is when they’re people that were so close you at one point in life but now…they’re strangers just passing by without even a glance. All us lost people are trying to find acceptance, the place where we were meant to be. But, it changes, and there’s no “happily ever after” lighthouse blinking at us. And like the Titanic, we might crash into icebergs big and small. There are icebergs that may seem small but be 10 times the size of what we can see underwater. One small mistake in the degree we direct our ship towards can change the destination, the avoidance of a crash, or the time it takes to get there. Sometimes we don’t have a map, sometimes our map is outdated, and sometimes our map is so full of drawings and measurements that we can’t see anything.

Like ships in the night in so many aspects, we can only hope and try our hardest to reach our destinations. It doesn’t matter how much time it takes us or how we get there, but there will be a day when we can say that we reached that place or found that someone. Broken parts can be patched and fixed, sunken ships…well we can travel by submarine or those rescue lifeboats. New experiences good or bad will only increase our knowledge and understanding of our journey. The ocean is wide and perilous, but the storm will always clear. Waves can buffet all they want against my ship, but I’ll only strengthen the sides. All the bumps and icebergs in our way are there so that we may change our paths and anchor in paradise. Sometimes we can’t see what’s ahead nor know where we are going, but I know we’ll find lighthouses to guide us. We’ll all get there someday.