Everyone has a family, but not everyone has the same family dynamic. I recently thought of why I would be scared of commitments to people. I overheard my brother and mom talking about a traumatizing experience that happened when I was in a kid, around Gr. 5. My aunt, who I’ve never seen before, came from Hong Kong for the summer and one day, she just starts yelling at my dad, insisting that my mom was mental and needed to go see a doctor, saying he’s a failure, that he should get a divorce, etc all for no reason at all. Of course my mom wasn’t mental! Hey, she’s the one with a university degree. I wasn’t old enough to understand much but I just remember her yelling, pushing him into a corner, and seeing my dad cry. Her daughter, my cousin, then yelled at my dad for making her mom cry and slapped him. My grandma and my other aunts there didn’t say or do anything. Me and my brother were pushed into the washroom, restrained by my other aunt, because I tried going over to my dad. They were my family. That is not family. Family is supposed to be there for one another, to love them unconditionally, or at least stand up for each other, for what’s right. You might not be friends with someone anymore, but you’re related to your family forever whether you like it or not. How could I trust people when the relationship I viewed as the safest, loving relationship was seen to be full of bullying, tension, and hate?? I didn’t understand why it would be like that. I remember having big family dinners when we were younger. Those stopped. I didn’t get to experience what it was like to talk and hang out with cousins. It was like we never existed. Family? What is family? Awkward weddings and judgmental questions galore. My mom says my dad spoils us. I don’t blame him. He really showed me what love is. What family is. He taught me that family is not just the people who are blood related to you. You can care for others and treat them like family with the same fervor and compassion. He’s always visiting people who are sick or who are in need of a friend. He’d rush home from work to eat a quick dinner then rush to buy flowers and go for a visit before it was too late in the night. I wish I could be like him. I don’t know how he got up after what his family had done to him. But what I do know is that he did it and was able to be a stronger, better version of himself. This is probably another reason why I do so many things for my brother. There’s just something in me that wants to protect him, to be the sister that my aunts were not. To let him know that I’m a big sister who loves him and is always there for him. Because that’s what family is for. When friends ditch you, when the outside world judges you, family is the open arms waiting for you at home. “I’m gonna fight for what we got, cause I believe in family”
I know it’s already March 15, but I was unable to finish the post yesterday. In Gr. 8 or 9, I memorized 200 numbers of pi in a class competition for math class. It was fun! But yes, it’s 3/14 today and thinking of pies (which I don’t really have a liking to) made me think of circles. Thinking of circles made me think of a clock. Thinking of clocks (you know where this is going) made me think of time in a day, and thus time in general. My mom always reminded me that time fair with everyone. Everyone gets 24 hours in their day and how they use it is up to them. Correlating this all in my mind was the pie graphs we learned to make in elementary school. You can only split the circle with how much you already have, it’s all by percentages. So…how do I split my pie graph of time everyday? I’m still working on a better split of time that’s for sure! I’d say I spend 25% of my time sleeping, 45% at school or doing school related things, 10% commuting, and 20% not doing anything. Actually, it doesn’t look that bad! But that’s just on average. Sometimes time sleeping is decreased to 17%, school only 35%, 10% commuting, and 38% not doing anything. That’s what I’ll have to work on. I definitely need more sleep!And…not all of my time at school or doing school related things is productive, which kind of defeats the purpose I know. But, lately it’s been really hard to not waste time. Thinking about school and overthinking about stress, it’s like David and Goliath with me being David. Impossible! I would stay up trying to use more of my time productively, only to spend more time dealing with the hurricane of thoughts. I almost feel as though I’m going psycho with everything! I really envy my friends who are able to get good grades without studying much and being able to sleep early every night. Well, some of them don’t have the same course load as me, but I do know people who do and are able to keep it up! I really think all this thinking has made me dumber, burning my brain cells. For now, I’ll try to be more productive by staying on a bedtime of 12am and staying off YouTube.
My little brother got into UBC Science! It’s like the highest rung on the ladder that many people I know try to achieve when they get to their graduating year here in BC. Here’s too all those people who think he’s dumb and won’t amount to anything in life, cheers! I’m so proud of him. It’s like the big sister feeling that I just can’t put into words. I’m so happy for him! Now he might not have to move out, and I’ll be able to spend time with him at school again! He’s so smart, way smarter than me, and he deserves more recognition than me. I’ve always felt bad that he’s been in my shadow with schooling, but I believe that he’s on his way to surpass me! Let’s put the spotlight on him now, leave me alone!! Stereotypes really hinder people at times, but I’m glad he can see his self worth despite what others say. If it breaks my heart hearing what he’s said about other people’s view of him, it must hurt him so much more. He’s athletic, smart, nice, and funny. Just because he’s big and tall doesn’t mean he’s old, fat, and dumb. It’s frustrating for me seeing that on the side when I just want to tell everyone what a smart and caring person he is. I’m glad that he has friends who have put in the effort to get to know him and see what an amazing guy he is. I just hope other people can see how his marks already way above mine! But he’s also humble, so I am not going to embarrass him or do something he doesn’t want like broadcasting it on Facebook how proud of him I am, butttt because he doesn’t know about my blog, I just want to put it out there how proud of him I am!! ❤ Congrats to his new chapter and all the best for his uni experience wherever he chooses to go!
It’s been a tiring week. Stressing out over midterms, losing sleep studying, and just being emotionally tired from carrying all that stress. Honestly, I really don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how some people are so carefree and happy. I’m tired to the point that it’s become a pain talking to people. Everyone seems to easily becoming “annoying” to me and it would take too much energy for me to reply at times. I know out of politeness I should respond even if it’s just a one word response, but it’s like I don’t have energy even for that! I’m so tired of the stress, of the self-hating, of all these thoughts. How do people do it?
Sometimes I wonder “Is it because their life is easier?” How do they get the confidence? Or is it just a mask? I recently watched a drama revolving around makeup. It was quite refreshing. Using makeup as the main idea, people’s lives would be changed with the second chances and new perspectives on life. Makeup can be used to enhance one’s beauty or become a mask for their face and their lives. I just loved watching the lead actress change throughout the series. Seeing her growth, courage, and perseverance, it encouraged me to change my life for the better. Because, “the best way to prove yourself is to become a better person and randomly appear in front of them as the best version of you.” I also really liked how they did not end with a happily ever after where the female lead would end up with the male lead despite him being a jerk to her. She chose to give the second lead a chance because he was the one who was always there. (She originally fell in love with the second lead first then realized that she had feelings for the first lead too) I also liked how both guys would be willing to help her further her relationship with the other guy. To truly love someone is to be able to let go and be their support while they look for their happiness. An anchor. I remember those days when I felt like the world was spinning and going crazy and how having someone who was just there, a constant, made the spinning feel normal. Like how we don’t feel the Earth spinning even though it spins at a speed of 1675 km/h. Right now, life feels like I’m on Earth spinning with no gravity.
I just hate how I feel like giving up. Being stubborn as I am, all I want to do is to prove to everyone who’s looked down or me or thought I am not able to do it. It’s so ironic how I have such low self-esteem too, never believing that I can do it myself, but still trying nevertheless. I just feel like I have so much to prove. Like the female lead, I can see how the person I was and am is not who I want to be. I’m just kind of stuck, running low on gas. And on a random note because I’m tired from sleeping in the morning for two days in a row, it gets so lonely at night. I wish I had friends who were also able to stay up that late either studying or doing nothing. Long walks always seem so short when you’re with someone you can talk to!