I watched The Notebook tonight and I really shouldn’t have. I’m a sucker for romantic movies, but I cry very easily. Not a good combination when I’m trying to do homework and last thing I want to do is have all these emotions and memories on my mind. The Notebook is nothing like my life, but in some way, it seems so similar. My first love was something like Noah and Allie’s. He was a total opposite, we fought a lot, and he taught me how to enjoy life. And sadly, my parents hated him. He was also quiet while I was a chatterbox, always seeming to talk too much. We talked on the phone a lot, but it was more me talking, and he listening. When he said something, it usually meant a lot. When he gets mad and leaves with a huge paragraph before his goodnight, then I know he’s upset. Otherwise, he rarely showed it. He’d do anything to make me happy. And when he said I love you for the first time, it really was ‘something special’. When he went on vacation, there was an unspoken “end” to our relationship, and we parted. I haven’t had a decent conversation with him since. That’s the worst. And it’s so hard to forget your first love. Everything he did for me, everything he taught me…everything we experienced together. I don’t know if we’ll end up together like they found their way back together or if I’ll end up with someone else. But I can say that I’ve learned so much from this. I would probably have done some things another way, but we can’t rewrite history. No matter how hard I wish I can! We just have to learn from it and move on. Sorry about all this mushy stuff, my cousin’s wedding yesterday probably contributes to it as well. She knew he was “the one” because he made her a better person. He made me a better person, and what if he was the one? But what if he wasn’t?? Oh the annoying “joys” of youth. I’ll just ponder about this and live life to its fullest. Meet new people, enjoy life, learn, and keep all the memories in just another chapter of my life. I don’t believe in forgetting those memories nor do I believe in staying in them. It’s hard, but life’s hard! Watching The Notebook, I can only hope that I’ll find a love as strong and as magical as Noah and Allie’s. One that defies all odds.
Many posts ago, I mentioned a former close friend who I’ve given up on. I reply to her texts and she doesn’t reply to mine, starting anew when “hello??” her phone is an iPhone and I know she can see my reply while shes typing. She invited me to her birthday dinner party. Thankfully, I can’t go due to being out of town that weekend, something me and my family had planned months ago. Anyways, so we kind of started talking again. I say “kind of” because this is the THIRD time she’s asked “How’ve you been?” in three texts in a row! And, just for the record, I’ve replied the two previous times she’s asked, which she did not have any response for. Neither did she respond to my asking of how she herself has been doing. Frankly, I do not want to be her friend anymore. I don’t see her anymore, I don’t talk to her anymore, I don’t think I even KNOW her anymore. I have friends from elementary school who I’ve kept in contact with despite going to different high schools and different universities. That’s because we actually care about each other and talk to each other, asking how they’re doing and taking the time to just catch up with all that’s happened since the last time we talked. At least this friend has stopped saying her empty “I miss you”s! Sigh, I really don’t know what to do. You can’t just talk to them about this kind of stuff… and who knows? Maybe on her side, she may be thinking that I’m being a horrible friend! You never know! It’s just really hard having to put up a front; friendships shouldn’t be like this. I just hope that someday, this will sort itself out, whether we actually hang out like she said we should, or whether we mutually part as acquaintances, etc. I just don’t think I can take it any longer. And I just really hope that I don’t lose it and speak my thoughts! I don’t think that’ll turn out too well.
On the brighter side of my world, I’m LOVING the sunshine!!! It’s been so cold and rainy, and now it’s cold and sunny! Still better than the rain. One of my biggest pet peeves is being cold and wet with the smelly rain. Rain has this stench that just makes bus rides unbearable, especially if they’re an hour long to and from school! Also, speaking of school, I’m getting back on track, doing all the little homework ahead of time, and getting results on midterms that I’m very satisfied with. It’s really been a blessing to see the results of all those late nights and times when I just kept on working despite not wanting to do anything but relax. Sometimes, we just need a glimpse of the sunshine to really believe that the sun is always behind the clouds. We know it, but it’s hard to believe when it’s always cold and wet and gray. Humans have a tough time believing in the unseen, but most of the time, hope comes up just when we need that little bit of thread to hold onto. I know for sure there are times when I’ve been down in the dumps and out comes this random event which makes me smile and remind me that everything is going to be alright. And, I know for certain that everything is going to be alright because when you’re at the lowest lows of your life, you know that it can only get better. Have a great weekend, and look for those special little moments where you can remind yourself, yes, everything is going to be alright! The sun will always rise, that’s a promise!
This past weekend was the worst possible weekend that I have ever experienced. I’m not proud of leaving so many things to do last minute, but I’m proud that I persevered and survived. So many times I thought it was impossible to finish everything and I wanted so badly to give up. My brother is on spring break now and that just added to my lack of motivation. It’s been a tiring two weeks and I just wanted a break! Okay, let’s backtrack a little… midterms round 2 began two weeks ago. Last week, I had things to do one after another and another and another:
1) Chem Lab report/prep for Tuesday
2) Physics Lab exam Wednesday
3) Physics Midterm Thursday
4) Math Lab Friday
5) Bio term assignment Monday
6) English term project draft Monday
Long story short, I didn’t get around to working on the biology and english assignments until Friday. Plus, I had to work on Saturday. I stayed up til 6 on Saturday finishing biology and stayed up til 5:30 last night starting and finishing the english term project draft. My sleeping schedule is pretty messed up to say the least. Throughout this whole time, I became more aware of my time, of all the little things that happened. Eating out with family took away another hour that I could have used, but then it gave me a break, and their support made me want to work that much harder to succeed. Also, I’ve realized how important food is in the wee hours when you’re juicing all the brain juice you have. There’s a reason why people don’t need to eat when they sleep, but when you’re up, you definitely need the energy! And last but not least, I realize how much interaction with people can energize me. Although I’m an “introvert” by the Myer-Briggs standards, I feel like I need to talk to people and interact with people to get energized, which is a characteristic of an extrovert. Of course, most people are a mix of both, but it really got to me when I was working alone in the night, just me and my computer. It was so lonely and I wanted so desperately to talk to someone, but no one in their right minds stay up that late, so I just kept working hard with my music. I guess hearing someone’s voice helps? I sound so desperate, oh my. But I’ll probably discuss the personality test on another post. Anyways, I’ll be catching up with my sleep and relaxing tomorrow. Oh how I miss high school and their spring break!
It’s been super busy the past two weeks with assignments and midterms. You cannot believe how many posts I’ve started but have never found the time to finish. Some I even didn’t want to finish. But, this time, I really need to get this out. Getting it out will hopefully make me believe it, give me the willpower to follow through.
So, back in highschool, there was always the notion of university life being full of partying or intense studying, making new friends, and of course, gaining those 15 pounds. I never worried about my weight before. I was always tiny, especially when compared to my bigger and taller younger brother. However, now that I’ve been gaining weight, although not 15 pounds, it’s made me wonder why. Why do people gain 15 pounds? I’ve been at a stable weight for who knows how long. Is it the stress? The lack of stress? The lack of self-control? A little background about me: I eat when I’m stressed. When I’m studying, I have to eat. When I’m upset, I eat. It doesn’t help that my mom would bring me snacks whenever I’m studying. It does help me focus on studying in some weird way, but after thinking about it, there’s more to my stress-eating habits than that.
I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser with my brother, our first season watching it. We were watching the episode about facing our fears, and it really got me. We all have fears. How we deal with the fears is the biggest difference in our lives. I’m scared of failure, as mentioned in a previous post. My fear of failure is making me eat, in a very unhealthy way I should add. I’m not any different that the contestants are. I eat to fill that void. I feel so disgusted when I’m stuffing myself with junk food and drinking pop, but I just feel that NEED to eat. After hearing “Forgiveness” by TobyMac, I realized where my eating habits might be originating from. I began this when I was in highschool, but it has never led to weight gain. Now that I have gained weight, it made me think back to when I began noticing the change. I believe it was around the second round of midterms, around November. I had been a companion to a senior at the senior home I volunteered at a year ago. She had dementia, but I really enjoyed our visits and you could tell she did too. In a way, she became a grandmotherly figure to me. She always told me to roll up my sleeves, asked me when I was going to cut the hair that kept dropping in front of my eyes, and taught me how important relationships are to people. She had complained to her daughters that she was lonely; she was scared of being lonely. Somehow, in 6 short months, she had gotten herself into a dear place in my heart. Then, suddenly, she was gone. It broke my heart. I regretted so badly not having visited her that Sunday morning. It didn’t help that my grandmother had also passed away at a similar time two years before. That was one of the hardest crashes to reality that I ever had, and this one wasn’t much different. Both carried so much regret; of what I could have done but didn’t do. I believe that it’s my inability to forgive myself that has led to this “void” in which I’ve been attempting to fill with food. It didn’t help that a few months before that, I had lost a close friend. I can never forgive myself for any of those. I’ve lost count of those sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep, and trying to sleep away the pain. I feel like no one understands what I feel, so there’s no use turning to someone. It’s the burden I gave myself to carry. Watching the contestants come to terms with themselves and forgiving themself, loving themself, it made me want what they have. I have to be willing to forgive myself. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Forgiving is accepting the mistake and changing because of it, no longer beating myself up over it.
A goal I’ve given myself is to exercise more, and get myself back to my former weight. My weight’s not even important to me, but I think that I need to be more healthy, or I will be on a one-way road to a never-ending cycle. There. I’ve said it. I’m hurting myself by eating and making myself feel bad because I can’t forgive myself for those regrets and I can’t go back to change the way things happened. I need to focus on the future and what I’ve learnt from all this. I can forgive myself and be on a road to a healthy life and find healthy ways of dealing with stress from school, etc. As a small step in that direction, I’m going to be walking more from a farther bus stop and doing sit ups. I’ve always wanted abs ;P