Coming out (not of the closet!)

So I’ve finally “come out” clean about my secret visits for acupuncture behind my parents’ back and a lot more about my depression. I wanted to share with them the good news. Acupuncture worked (sort of) for my headaches! For 10 whole minutes, I had no pain or tension pressure AT ALL. In 2 long years, it’s the longest I’ve gone without any feeling of a headache. It felt amazing. My head felt so light. So apparently, and probably one of the many causes for my headaches, my spine was all messed up. My C1 and C2 were twisted one way and my C3 and C4 were twisted the other way. Which was probably due to my bad posture and loving to work while lying down with my laptop. Also, being totally right hand dependent, my spine overall is kind of tilted to the left. So now I’ve been more aware of my posture but it’s hard to correct bad habits! Specially since everything’s been going on for so long. However, my bones, my muscles and tension have improved a lot since going. She’s pushed and cracked all my bones til they’ve sort of shifted back into place and my headache has lessened. I still have a constant headache, but it’s not as bad, although it’ll probably last as long as I’m stressed about school. So 2 more years to go?! Ahaha but at least I know that there IS hope for a life without headaches 24/7. And now that I came out to my parents about the good news and bad news, I feel more relieved and that seems to have lifted a load off my shoulders too.

Bad news? Yes. So while I was telling them the good news, an argument broke out (as always) and I ended up just desperately bawling, hugging my parents. It’s not like I wanted to hide my health and conditions from them because of me growing up and wanting to rebel. But I didn’t want to have more stress and expectations and worries to think about in the fixing of my headache. Same for my depression and anxiety. I didn’t want to burden them or make them feel like it’s their fault that I’m like this. I felt so sorry. For them having to have a daughter who turned out like this. A daughter who didn’t take care of herself and brought on so many problems. A daughter who wanted to end her life. But telling them that I’m trying so hard to fix my life now, hopefully they’ll understand and will be there to help me do that. I know I can’t do it alone. It’s hard enough as it is wallowing in the dark, but even harder staying on the path climbing up. One step at a time, that’s how I’ll approach it. Fix my headaches, my sleeping schedule. And one day, maybe I won’t need to depend on sleeping pills and antidepressants. One day, maybe I’ll be able to face my problems head on. One day.

Cold but sunny!

Many posts ago, I mentioned a former close friend who I’ve given up on. I reply to her texts and she doesn’t reply to mine, starting anew when “hello??” her phone is an iPhone and I know she can see my reply while shes typing. She invited me to her birthday dinner party. Thankfully, I can’t go due to being out of town that weekend, something me and my family had planned months ago. Anyways, so we kind of started talking again. I say “kind of” because this is the THIRD time she’s asked “How’ve you been?” in three texts in a row! And, just for the record, I’ve replied the two previous times she’s asked, which she did not have any response for. Neither did she respond to my asking of how she herself has been doing. Frankly, I do not want to be her friend anymore. I don’t see her anymore, I don’t talk to her anymore, I don’t think I even KNOW her anymore. I have friends from elementary school who I’ve kept in contact with despite going to different high schools and different universities. That’s because we actually care about each other and talk to each other, asking how they’re doing and taking the time to just catch up with all that’s happened since the last time we talked. At least this friend has stopped saying her empty “I miss you”s! Sigh, I really don’t know what to do. You can’t just talk to them about this kind of stuff… and who knows? Maybe on her side, she may be thinking that I’m being a horrible friend! You never know! It’s just really hard having to put up a front; friendships shouldn’t be like this. I just hope that someday, this will sort itself out, whether we actually hang out like she said we should, or whether we mutually part as acquaintances, etc. I just don’t think I can take it any longer. And I just really hope that I don’t lose it and speak my thoughts! I don’t think that’ll turn out too well. 

On the brighter side of my world, I’m LOVING the sunshine!!! It’s been so cold and rainy, and now it’s cold and sunny! Still better than the rain. One of my biggest pet peeves is being cold and wet with the smelly rain. Rain has this stench that just makes bus rides unbearable, especially if they’re an hour long to and from school! Also, speaking of school, I’m getting back on track, doing all the little homework ahead of time, and getting results on midterms that I’m very satisfied with. It’s really been a blessing to see the results of all those late nights and times when I just kept on working despite not wanting to do anything but relax. Sometimes, we just need a glimpse of the sunshine to really believe that the sun is always behind the clouds. We know it, but it’s hard to believe when it’s always cold and wet and gray. Humans have a tough time believing in the unseen, but most of the time, hope comes up just when we need that little bit of thread to hold onto. I know for sure there are times when I’ve been down in the dumps and out comes this random event which makes me smile and remind me that everything is going to be alright. And, I know for certain that everything is going to be alright because when you’re at the lowest lows of your life, you know that it can only get better. Have a great weekend, and look for those special little moments where you can remind yourself, yes, everything is going to be alright! The sun will always rise, that’s a promise!