Exams are over, I get to sleep at night, and I can “relax”, or so I thought. There’s been so much pressure about me doing something towards my career of pharmacy now that I’m in pharmacy. I’m still trying to sort it out in my head but I’m not really leaning towards rushing to find a volunteering position or employment at a pharmacy right now. I feel as though it’s going to be what I’m doing for the rest of my life, so why not enjoy some relaxation for now? I honestly don’t know if I am going to become a pharmacist and choose that career path after I graduate anyways. I just feel like I can use this time now to do what I want to do, do something meaningful. For one, I haven’t been back to the senior home since Connie passed away and my heart really goes out to the seniors; I plan on going back to regular visits and volunteering there. Even though my head tells me that it might just break me down once again if another senior that I know there passes away, but my heart stubbornly keeps pulling me in that direction. Having seen how the seniors feel living in a senior home, from my experience with my grandma and also the other seniors I visited, I want to make a difference in their lives there. I want to bring that smile to their face, having someone to talk to when their family is too busy to visit them, to show them that they’re cared for and have a friend. I’d also like to spend more time with my hobbies as they help me relax and there’s so much craft ideas that I want to try out. Haha I know that’s not really “meaningful” but it’s something that could help me relax. I feel like I’ve been under so much pressure under the school year, that I just need a break. But yeah, depending on the workload for my summer courses, I’m considering finding an organization to volunteer at to help the less fortunate. There’s just so much I want to do but don’t know how to do. Anyways, my brain still hasn’t been working properly yet, still recuperating from the overtime and intense studying I guess… I hope.
In the meantime, I’m just going to relax, watch all the dramas I want, and have some good therapeutic stress-relieving hangouts with my friends. I tend to shut myself off from the rest of the world during exam periods or just most of the time really, so I think I’ll work on that. It’s hard when it takes me so much energy to push away those depressing thoughts, but for the sake of those around me, and my own sake, I’ll try my best. Even though I don’t mind dying any day now, I’m probably still going to live for a while…so I might as well make the most of it! My first step in the change? Doing my nails. Haven’t done that in a while. My random design of dots turned out kind of like a floral design, a bit too bright for my liking, but it matches the beautiful weather outside right now. The cherry blossoms are out and everything is bright and cheery. Even though I don’t feel “bright and cheery”, at least my nails will feel that way? It’s a nice reminder of bright and cheery.
It’s been a tiring week. Stressing out over midterms, losing sleep studying, and just being emotionally tired from carrying all that stress. Honestly, I really don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how some people are so carefree and happy. I’m tired to the point that it’s become a pain talking to people. Everyone seems to easily becoming “annoying” to me and it would take too much energy for me to reply at times. I know out of politeness I should respond even if it’s just a one word response, but it’s like I don’t have energy even for that! I’m so tired of the stress, of the self-hating, of all these thoughts. How do people do it?
Sometimes I wonder “Is it because their life is easier?” How do they get the confidence? Or is it just a mask? I recently watched a drama revolving around makeup. It was quite refreshing. Using makeup as the main idea, people’s lives would be changed with the second chances and new perspectives on life. Makeup can be used to enhance one’s beauty or become a mask for their face and their lives. I just loved watching the lead actress change throughout the series. Seeing her growth, courage, and perseverance, it encouraged me to change my life for the better. Because, “the best way to prove yourself is to become a better person and randomly appear in front of them as the best version of you.” I also really liked how they did not end with a happily ever after where the female lead would end up with the male lead despite him being a jerk to her. She chose to give the second lead a chance because he was the one who was always there. (She originally fell in love with the second lead first then realized that she had feelings for the first lead too) I also liked how both guys would be willing to help her further her relationship with the other guy. To truly love someone is to be able to let go and be their support while they look for their happiness. An anchor. I remember those days when I felt like the world was spinning and going crazy and how having someone who was just there, a constant, made the spinning feel normal. Like how we don’t feel the Earth spinning even though it spins at a speed of 1675 km/h. Right now, life feels like I’m on Earth spinning with no gravity.
I just hate how I feel like giving up. Being stubborn as I am, all I want to do is to prove to everyone who’s looked down or me or thought I am not able to do it. It’s so ironic how I have such low self-esteem too, never believing that I can do it myself, but still trying nevertheless. I just feel like I have so much to prove. Like the female lead, I can see how the person I was and am is not who I want to be. I’m just kind of stuck, running low on gas. And on a random note because I’m tired from sleeping in the morning for two days in a row, it gets so lonely at night. I wish I had friends who were also able to stay up that late either studying or doing nothing. Long walks always seem so short when you’re with someone you can talk to!
It feels as if the sky is literally falling on me and I’m dying under all that atmospheric pressure. OK, slight hyperbole, but I feel so cramped on time and squashed under all the responsibilities, etc. Midterms are coming up and a lab is due, and I’m just having a hectic weekend with today busy from morning til night and starting to work now. It’s chaotic to say the least. The pressure is definitely on, as people are expecting me to do well and needless to say, I’m pressuring myself even more. It’s the type of stress and pressure that I would feel the tears build up like “I can’t do all this!” and then I push on.
Two days later from when I first started this post:
I just had another midterm, and it was grueling. Short on time and I just panicked. I changed so many of my answers that probably would have been right before to something I don’t even know what I was thinking. I almost broke down afterwards, my eyes hurt from the tears that were welling up but wouldn’t come out. I have realized that I am not good at math. I can’t think outside the box under pressure to manipulate formulas and calculations. This is quite sad saying this from a stereotypical Asian student. I guess this shows how I’m more suited for courses that require memorization or applying concepts, routines. My brain is fried, but now I have to somehow finish a lab report and study for another midterm tomorrow, which hopefully I’ll feel better about. It’s on days like this that I reach out to my friends. Needless to say, I have the best friends in the world who immediately gave me comfort and reassurance, lessening the blow that I had burdened myself with. It’s like floating in an ocean; alone you will drown because sometimes we get tired from treading water and the waves just keep on buffeting against us, but friends are like pieces of driftwood that we can rest on and help keep our heads above the water when we ourselves can’t.
Lesson learned – definitely no more procrastinating!
Also, interesting fact, our bodies response to stress by boosting our immune system, but then if we are too stressed, our bodies give up and we can easily get sick. Thus some people always get sick around the time after exams. Interesting how our physiological stress can affect our immune system. I learned from that lecture the 3 ways to stay healthy is to:
1) wash your hands
2) stay happy
3) make money