Losing Myself

I was walking home from the bus stop and realized that I wasn’t freaking out at walking by myself in the dark. The realization came to me that I had, in a sense, grown up since 3 years ago when I’d want to call someone to stay on the phone with me while I was walking home. Then I realized that a lot of changes had happened as I “grew up”. I’m not scared of the dark anymore. I’m not afraid of bussing alone at late hours. Sometimes I even feel scared of how…emotionless or cynical I’ve become.

Leehom’s song Lose Myself really resonated with me. I guess there’s a good and bad of losing myself. Losing my old self who would worry about everything and be scared over every single thing. My old self who would ruminate over and over those depreciating voices, those regretful memories, those sleepless nights full of tears. My old self who had so many fears and worries that I was constantly in anxiety, unable to control my thoughts. Losing myself. Slowly putting the memories behind me, dissociating the strong emotions that used to come from every reminder I saw. Learning to lose my pride in times when that extra effort is needed, when I learn about how much I actually don’t know. Learning to lose my self-consciousness and just do what I need to do. It seems selfish in a way to lose myself, leaving the memories and tears behind, my cares and worries. But losing myself and not thinking about myself anymore allows me to further strive towards my goals and think more about the big picture around me. To focus on the “now” and “to come”, losing myself takes a load off my shoulders that I had forced myself to carry. The future is more than enough to deal with! So I need to make losing my old self a gain for my future. Not to just forget all the bad, but to learn from them and put them away.

Perhaps I have no way out

There’s something constantly following me

Day and night I can’t stop remembering

It’s the only perfection I have left

To leave countless memories behind

To lose countless teardrops

Endless loss  Endless loss

I mustn’t think about myself anymore

I’ve got to lose myself

Like a forest burned down

Only deafening silence remains

Voices repeating

I don’t want to hear them anymore

I mustn’t think about myself anymore

I’ve got to lose myself

– Leehom Wang ft Avicii – Lose Myself (Eng trans)