I just need to ignore it, right?

So recently the issue of my parents favouring my brother over me has been bothering me more and more. My mentor asked me why it bothered me now even though it’s been consistent over the years? Maybe it’s because I can’t reason their favouritism any more. We’re both adults and on equal playing ground. He no longer has his cyst and surgeries and issues with being bullied. He’s even above me in the sense that I’m going to graduate with a bachelor in pharmacy whereas he graduates as a doctor of pharmacy since the program upgraded. He gets the top 15% of marks and recommendations for scholarships while I’m struggling to pass my courses. And with my struggles with mental and physical illnesses, I guess I assumed that the treatment would change due to this. And it hurts. It hurts all the more that the effort I put into making his life easier isn’t reciprocated. And the excuses that come up are so unreasonable that it hurts even more to hear them come up with such lame excuses. To the point that it’s because I’m a girl and he’s a boy, thus letting him have more freedom. Like *insert swear word* it’s 2017, equality. We’re BOTH your children. How do you expect me to try my best and be happy with who I am if I don’t get any respect at home? My recommendations were never heard, until now that HE’S in the program too and can justify my recommendations. Should I even NEED his justifications? And NOW that we’re on equal playing ground, they start seeing that the things I complain about are true. Like REALLY. Did my words just fall on deaf ears all these years? All my struggles to just come to an end like this? And never once would I hear that I was right. Because all I’ve crashed into were the walls of “you are wrong” and they would never let their egos break that wall. They say that we should unite and go through all our struggles together as a family. But the struggles I go through are because of them. So how am i supposed to tell them about my stresses and fears?

As I take another dose of lorazepam due to stress, I feel numbed. Sure, I can continue living this way and just numb myself each time. Sure, I can put up a wall so that their hurting words SHOULDN’T hurt. Sure, I can FORGET and FORGIVE. And sure, I can still love them when my heart is so broken I don’t even know if I can feel love anymore. But reality is that every day is a fight. A fight within myself to try harder to love my family. Because I believe SO STRONGLY in family. That the bond is beyond the bloodline. That there is love within each hurting word, within each rejection, within each disappointment. They DO love me in the end, right? They love me in their ways but never tried to love me the way that I wanted them to love me. Is that love? While I support their every fight and decision, they only join the fight against me. They still love me right? While I go out of my way to do things for them, they don’t want to go out of their ways to do a favour for me or remember my schedule like they do for him. But they still love me right? They defend his mistakes and don’t say sorry for berating me on the same mistakes in the past. But because it’s in the past and they were learning with me as their first child so it’s okay right? It will be okay right?

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The scenic road

1 more week to go for my practicum. I can’t believe that 8 weeks would pass by so quickly and without too many problems! The headache was bearable and I didn’t actually get sick. The atmosphere was great and I really enjoyed it there. I worked my butt off there and I was touched that they saw my sincerity. And so my dream came true. My search for a part-time job for December onward didn’t even begin and it felt like Christmas had already arrived at my door. They didn’t care that I was going to have a delayed graduation, or that I wasn’t the smartest in my grade. Heck, they didn’t even ask for my resume! They were impressed with the care I had for the pharmacy and now I can proudly say that I will have my first pharmacy job starting after my practicum!

Now I don’t have to worry about my parents worrying about me finding a job. I also now have a place where I feel worthwhile, a place where coworkers are caring and encouraging. And I feel so lucky. Honestly, for the jobs that I had and now will have, I have never had to search for or do interviews for. It doesn’t matter that I have to commute 3 hours round trip each time, I’m just so grateful for the opportunity, that they see the potential in me. I can’t wait to work harder than ever. And as I was thinking about why I work so hard, a phrase I’ve heard countless of times comes to mind. “Just do your personal best” says my dad. Over and over again. Personal best, there really isn’t a limit to that in my opinion. So I am willing to work harder and harder to push that limit. So that my personal best really is the best I can give.

So throughout this long windy road of pharmacy with detours and storms, I have finally gotten a chance to look out the window at the scenery I pass. Seeing the people who walk away with a smile on their face after talking to me, seeing the people who feel reassured with their questions answered, seeing the people who just needed someone to hear their story. Although its near the end of the road as I’m in my last year, I know I’ve still got a long ways to go. But now I really believe in myself and in this. That it’ll be worth it. It seems like my wish bracelet’s wish will actually come true: that me and my best friend will find the jobs that we really love.

Detours

It sucks when you’re trying to get somewhere and there’s those orange cones glaring at you with “detour” all over the place. Traffic crawls and the turns seem endless to direct you away from your destination.

When I didn’t feel well over the weekend, I thought it was just a cold. I missed Monday of my second last week of practicum. Then Tuesday afternoon, things didn’t feel right. I couldn’t concentrate or read as my eyes kept jumping lines. I couldn’t think and my head felt weird. I went home for the afternoon and the lightheadedness wouldn’t go away. I laid down and felt lightheaded, I rested and woke up lightheaded. When I saw the doctor, my systolic blood pressure was 78mmHg. I ate more salt and drank more fluids than I ever did in a week and it didn’t get better. I’d hate sleeping because lying there while I felt like I was going to faint sucked. Being unable to make it go away likewise with my headaches. And as the days went by, I had to keep in contact with my preceptor and school. 5 days. That was the limit before I had to redo the whole practicum even with a medical reason. I felt so much pressure from my parents. And from myself. I really enjoyed the placement I was in and I was doing great there. On one side, I hoped so desperately for my parents to just tell me to stop and get better, that health was more important. But on the other side, I really didn’t want to disappoint them. Except I really couldn’t tone it down anymore. They didn’t seem to think it was that serious when I was unable to walk more than one foot-shuffle at a time. When I spent most of my time lying down because it felt so much worse when I was upright. So in the end, I missed more than 5 days and have to redo the 4 weeks next fall.

I won’t graduate this May like the other 200 people in my class will. I won’t stand a chance at the interviews they have during the school year. I won’t be able to take my licensing exam until next fall. I might even be the only graduate in my class next November. I don’t even know when to take my Artona photos. Or if I will be able to participate in what my classmates will take part in. There’s so much I can/will lose. Most of all, I’ll lose my pride. My “perfect” journey of graduating after 5 years of post-secondary as a professional and getting a job will be delayed. What are my parents going to tell others when they ask about my graduation. What if I can’t get a job because of this delay. All because of a medication side effect.

But since it’s Thanksgiving, let’s think about what I’m thankful for. I’m thankful that it was just a medication side effect and although I still have relatively low blood pressure, the lightheadedness resolved. I’m thankful that it’ll just be a few months of delay and that I can still graduate in 2017. I’m thankful that my parents ended up supporting that my health is most important above all else. I’m thankful that I’m able to do my next practicum without further delay this month. I’m thankful that I still have a chance to continue this journey. That it wasn’t a “stop” but just a “detour”. Detours might seem like a maze that never ends, but the destination can will still be reached. And that’s all that matters in the end.

I hate goodbyes :(

So tomorrow will be my last day at my first job. My part time job at a medical office. February 2013 to August 2016. It’s almost as long as I’ve known some of my closest friends. I’ve learned and grown so much in there. I’ve experienced the happiness of seeing pregnant patients come in with their newborns and seen the tears of those and their families who are struggling with illnesses. I should have looked for some pharmacy related position during my years in pharmacy but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I was there when they opened. When they had their cake-cutting ceremony and dinner. But now that I’m nearing my graduation as a pharmacy student, it’s only natural that I find a pharmacy position. So I made the difficult decision to leave. It’s sad. Even though I was only part-time and worked during the week only when I was off school, I’ve made lasting relationships there. With the doctors, the other receptionists, and patients. I hope that as my brother starts working there after me, he will learn and experience just as much as I did, if not even more.

I’m so thankful. I was not looking for a job nor did I ask for the job. It was just…offered to me. And it has enriched my experiences. I just hope that I was able to make a difference for others like they did for me. Leaving and saying goodbye doesn’t mean the end of the journey. It’s like turning the next page for the next chapter. The stories with the people may continue (I sure hope they do), and I can’t wait for the new stories and experiences I will have. At least I know that if I end up jobless, they’ll welcome me with open arms! Now I have to put myself out there, something I’m not familiar with doing. But I can do it, I know I can. So here’s to the unknown future, let’s do this!

I’m sorry I hate you and I love you

So my brother recently told my mom about the pressure he felt for getting into medicine and studying for the MCAT. It’s almost funny how I feel as though that was the first time she really cracked down on him. It was also the first time when he said that he understands what I might’ve felt. My whole life of more than 2 decades of being the firstborn and feeling all the pressure and NOW he says he thinks he understands it?! It didn’t feel comforting at all, but it did remind me the responsibility I have as a firstborn.

Someone once said this to his firstborn daughter that life will be harder on her as she bears more responsibility for her actions due to being a firstborn. That it won’t be fair, but that’s because she’s firstborn. At first, I was taken aback and felt bad for the little girl who was only 6 years old. Then I realized that even without being told that when I was young, the same thing happened to me. I guess it happens to all firstborns. Parents will be more protective and have higher expectations. They’re also the leader who’s supposed to show a good example to the younger ones. And with my brother who had a lot of health issues while growing up, it felt as though it was right for them to do that. I became protective of him too. From the teasing he would get from others because of his bandage on his ear and his hospitalizations. I’m not saying that I hated that, but I admit that there have been times when I hated him because it felt so unfair. At the same time, I would pour as much love as I can onto him because it felt like he needed it more.

When I think back to my studying and pressure that I received from my parents, I’ve always remembered them telling me that I should’ve studied harder to get even better grades. Them telling me how I should’ve done this instead and how I should sleep earlier. Them not knowing that I’d spend nights unable to sleep worrying because of the stress. How I would try my best to study everything as much as I can, sleeping at 2:30am and waking up at 6:30am to keep studying. With my brother, he sleeps late and my mom would defend him saying she already talked to him about it. When he sleeps in after a night of studying, my parents would say that he tried his best because he studied during the night. If he doesn’t do as well on an exam and says that he already tried his best, my parents would leave him alone. If it was me, I’d hear it a thousand times if I didn’t change my behaviour. I wouldn’t talk back to my parents, I’d just take it to heart and try my best to appease them. My brother, on the other hand, seems to feel wronged when he gets berated and would justify his actions. I guess it’s become a habit for me. I remember when I used to argue with my parents because of their seemingly unjust scoldings. It doesn’t help that when my mom scolds him, she’s learned to scold him when they’re alone so as to not have him “lose face” in front of us. When it was me, I’d get scolded in front of everyone and my brother would join in the scolding. I still hate that. But what can I say, I was the first baby they had, and parents learn along with their children. It wasn’t something that they knew to change before. I’m willing to be their guinea pig for the rest of my life. It’s something that I’m willing to do for my brother as I want him to become the best second-born, an improved newer person.