So recently it’s been really hard on me regarding my thoughts about my family. It’s been causing me to spiral back into that dreadful spiral of depression, crying myself to sleep and sleeping all the time to avoid reality. I went to my family doctor knowing that it wasn’t something I could keep doing and was hoping that he’d have a solution through medications or something, since counselling made things fine for a while but it’d just go back. And living with my family meant I had a reminder pretty much all the time. I was already always in my room all the time away from them, but they were there…beyond the door. It’s a deadly repetitive cycle, depression. It just sucks you in when everything else is going well. Like school is chill with 4 courses ONLY (had 9 courses in 1 term before) and it’s the end of the road nearing graduation, I have a job and all. I guess I’m just prone to making problems for myself, like life just ALWAYS has to be hard…But anyways.
So I’ve been told multiple times by multiple people that I needed to get away from my family. Whether for a short vacation or to move out or whatever. To have a different environment where I won’t be trapped with their opinions and to find who I am. Me as a person. Not as a daughter who has to be obedient and a sister who has to care for her brother and parents. But as a single being. It took me weeks to decide. Because freedom seemed so tempting, it seemed like the perfect solution. My parents had to let go someday, and I am legally an adult so I’m not technically doing anything wrong. It might just be short term and might change things. It seemed doable.
But as I thought more about it, thinking about my dad’s not-too-great health and the worrisome overprotective parents they have always been, I feel like me leaving them would hurt them beyond what time could heal. I don’t know how much longer I get to spend with my parents as they’re already in their mid-50s. And knowing firsthand the regret with my grandmother’s death. I don’t think I can ever live with the regret of making the decision to move out if and when they pass. So I’m just going to stick it out. Hey, life only gives us what we can get over. Since we’re strong enough. So I just gotta believe that. And believe that we can make it through together, as a family. Holding each other, supporting each other. That one day, they’ll feel me trying and reciprocate.
So here’s a goodbye. As of February 28, 2017 12:34AM. A goodbye to the one person population in my world. A goodbye to “me”. A goodbye to my dreams. Or actually, temporarily put on hold. I’ll just live for them like I always have. And I’ll work harder to be part of the family and reach out that hand. Since they gave up so much for me and my brother, I think what I’m going through is soooo little to nothing compared to that. They stayed together despite both their family issues and when it got hard, they just tried harder. So likewise, I want to make it worthwhile for them. To show them that their harsh lives were for this. To be able to look at me and feel content. To feel proud. I’m ready to work harder than ever to make their dreams come true. Their dreams will become mine. And one day, maybe I’ll be able to make my own dreams come true and live for myself.