I just need to ignore it, right?

So recently the issue of my parents favouring my brother over me has been bothering me more and more. My mentor asked me why it bothered me now even though it’s been consistent over the years? Maybe it’s because I can’t reason their favouritism any more. We’re both adults and on equal playing ground. He no longer has his cyst and surgeries and issues with being bullied. He’s even above me in the sense that I’m going to graduate with a bachelor in pharmacy whereas he graduates as a doctor of pharmacy since the program upgraded. He gets the top 15% of marks and recommendations for scholarships while I’m struggling to pass my courses. And with my struggles with mental and physical illnesses, I guess I assumed that the treatment would change due to this. And it hurts. It hurts all the more that the effort I put into making his life easier isn’t reciprocated. And the excuses that come up are so unreasonable that it hurts even more to hear them come up with such lame excuses. To the point that it’s because I’m a girl and he’s a boy, thus letting him have more freedom. Like *insert swear word* it’s 2017, equality. We’re BOTH your children. How do you expect me to try my best and be happy with who I am if I don’t get any respect at home? My recommendations were never heard, until now that HE’S in the program too and can justify my recommendations. Should I even NEED his justifications? And NOW that we’re on equal playing ground, they start seeing that the things I complain about are true. Like REALLY. Did my words just fall on deaf ears all these years? All my struggles to just come to an end like this? And never once would I hear that I was right. Because all I’ve crashed into were the walls of “you are wrong” and they would never let their egos break that wall. They say that we should unite and go through all our struggles together as a family. But the struggles I go through are because of them. So how am i supposed to tell them about my stresses and fears?

As I take another dose of lorazepam due to stress, I feel numbed. Sure, I can continue living this way and just numb myself each time. Sure, I can put up a wall so that their hurting words SHOULDN’T hurt. Sure, I can FORGET and FORGIVE. And sure, I can still love them when my heart is so broken I don’t even know if I can feel love anymore. But reality is that every day is a fight. A fight within myself to try harder to love my family. Because I believe SO STRONGLY in family. That the bond is beyond the bloodline. That there is love within each hurting word, within each rejection, within each disappointment. They DO love me in the end, right? They love me in their ways but never tried to love me the way that I wanted them to love me. Is that love? While I support their every fight and decision, they only join the fight against me. They still love me right? While I go out of my way to do things for them, they don’t want to go out of their ways to do a favour for me or remember my schedule like they do for him. But they still love me right? They defend his mistakes and don’t say sorry for berating me on the same mistakes in the past. But because it’s in the past and they were learning with me as their first child so it’s okay right? It will be okay right?

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3 thoughts on “I just need to ignore it, right?

  1. There are sometimes when we feel stressed depressed as the same situation I’m going though is like you my parents also can’t understand me aur do me any favour but the problem is that i can hate them sometimes but there is always love for them in that right now its tough for me because what i want to choose for a career is denied by them by saying its not safe for the girls and at the end i have to forcefully choose what they want but i m doing that for them….. But then also they don’t feel that…… Sometimes i think that in which way i m doing the things for them….. No one knows they also do it in the same way without showing……but i hope everything will be good one day…… I will get the freedom but I’ll still crave for love…… I know they love me but not the way i want….. But its said that always we don’t get what we want but be satisfied with that…… Later you will get what you crave for……. Be happy and keep smiling….. These all are the chapters of like which teach us one or the other thing……. πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ
    Sanii

    • Hi Sanii,
      Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I also have realized that I’ve been living for my parents in everything that I do (including my profession) and there are so many times when I hated that. They would also say “don’t live for us” which makes it much worse because it means that my life was meaningless. It’s great that you believe everything will be good one day and I hope you hold onto that. I believe that there is a reason for everything, so who knows? Maybe you’ll change professions or find your own meaning to be in your current profession. Yup, life is all about learning, and there’s lots to learn from other people too!
      And don’t forget, dreams don’t have an expiry date πŸ™‚

      • Yeah…. You are correct… Dreams don’t have expiry date….. Thanks for the motivation… Hope so everything will be good….. But in current situation things are going worse….. But thanks…… 😊

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