The shadow behind

It’s so hard to get rid of traumatic memories. Like how I see the dog with its bite-hold on my arm whenever I hear dogs bark, I see the and hear the conversations I had with that preceptor in my current practicum. It doesn’t matter that the situation is totally different, that my current preceptor and the staff are super encouraging and supportive, and that I did pretty well so far considering my mid-evaluation. I would still see similar situations and find myself go back to that memory. I would hear his words, hear the threats, and the rush of feelings would mess up my mind. The memory pounces on me and I’d have to sleep with a sleeping pill yet again. Day after day. Even if I’m able to brush it off and continue my day of work, it always finds an opportunity to come back. I try so hard to seem alright and it makes me wonder if people will see it. Or what they see.

Do they see a frightened young girl who is at a loss? Do they see a dumbfounded girl who can’t answer anything? Do they see a stoic mask? Do they see a friendly girl smiling despite her mistakes? At those times I can barely control my feelings and expressions. Like a ghost following me around, that trauma is something I can’t seem to get rid off. Working in the same setting, with a male preceptor; it’s so similar while it’s so different.

I really hope that I’ll be able to get over that trauma soon. I only have a week left at my practicum and I hope I can end it well. I really do enjoy working there with everyone and have learned a lot. I find my confidence took a hit since the memories, but I’m getting up again with the encouragements and kindness. I want to work even harder so that I can show that even someone with a trauma can do this. And that I am not someone who would’ve failed like they said I would. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can indeed become a pharmacist. Believe. It’s been my source of strength when I have nothing to hold on. I’d hold on my wrist tattoo and tell myself that I can do this. That I believe I can. That I believe I’m stronger than the trauma.

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