Resilience. 

the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness

I always thought I didn’t have resilience. If I had resilience, I would not have depression. If I had resilience, I would not have such a hard time when something happens and knocks me down. If I had resilience, I could deal with things better. I wouldn’t feel so much stress and anxiety. If I had resilience, I would be a better person. Or so I thought. I always felt bad for my parents, that they tried so hard to bring us up in the best care possible but I “failed” them by having so many problems with life. I think I mentioned before how much it hurt when I heard my dad sharing about a book he read on resilience and how those who lived with their grandparents or other extended family would have greater resilience…but I didn’t.

A conversation with my mentor has reminded me that we are all resilient in some way. She says that I’m actually very resilient. Having made it this far in pharmacy despite it not being something I was passionate in while having to deal with my chronic migraines and depression/anxiety. Having passed all my courses thus far despite having almost failed or having failed and having to write a supplemental. Being able to keep on going despite everything life has thrown at me with family hardships and just a lot of stress from everything. There were so many times that I felt like giving up. But I didn’t. I had believed that every time I momentarily got stuck or had my depressive episodes, my thoughts were right: I was a failure. When I didn’t do well on an exam despite my hard work or did poorly on a lab, I thought I was a failure. Those thoughts were all lies. And I never thought from another perspective that thinking of myself as a failure didn’t mean that I was weak and not resilient. Failing doesn’t mean that I’m a failure. Resilience is based on the actions that I do in lieu of what happened. Whether I get back up and keep going. It is not just a personality characteristic that you have or don’t have. It’s something anyone achieve, although some just might find it easier than others. You can become resilient through different ways with different experiences. There’s got to be a reason why I’m still hanging in there and passing school. And I’m not going to give up until I learn what it is.

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