Suffocating.

I give up. Why can I never do what I want to do. Why are my thoughts always wrong and totally opposite of theirs? Why do they not understand me.

If they don’t want me to go on the internship abroad. Fine. I can live without that. But I do want to spend my last 2 free months I have before I graduate more meaningfully. I want to go on a long trip with my mom as promised to see all the places that I gave her in pictures on magnets. I want it to be just me and my mom. Why? Because I feel guilty. I haven’t been very nice to her and she’s done everything for me. She’s suffered so much in her own family and at her in-law’s. I just want to give her what she deserves. She’s also a lot more understanding and willing to hear me out than I had thought. She was very supportive after hearing about my depression and anxiety and would help me to avoid conflict with my brother over things that touched on that. I also don’t know how much more time I will get with my parents. Maybe next time we enter the emergency we may walk out with one less person. Maybe it won’t be just angina but a heart attack. Maybe the cancer that my uncle had is hereditary.

It does hurt that they don’t think I’m good enough or mature enough to go on the internship abroad and alone. It hurts that I’ve tried so hard my whole life for them and I can’t do what I want for a month. It hurts that I am always the one at fault, 1 vs 3. It hurts that they don’t accept my thoughts. It hurts that I’m crying in my room all night and they don’t come to ask if I’m alright or comfort me. It hurts that I have to give up my dreams over and over again because of them. It hurts that they say they support me in whatever I want to do and act otherwise.

I hear them talking outside my room. It doesn’t matter if they misunderstand me. In the bigger picture, that doesn’t matter. What matters is what I do with my life. I thought that the internship or travelling is a worthwhile meaningful contribution to and with my life. I still think so. But it seems as though it’s not going to happen. So I will just keep thinking of ways in which I can contribute to the lives of others near or far, friend or stranger. As for their ways of thinking, I can’t change that (believe me, I’ve tried). I can’t run away from home as much as I want to. And I won’t go ahead and do it out of love and respect for that. I hope that one day they can understand me. But that’s all I can hope and look forward to in the future.

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