Why it hurts so much

So before my oh-so-important oral exam for a 6 credit course in Pharmacy which integrates all the ideas we learn into cases, I had a severe migraine attack. The cause? A breakdown I had earlier because of my brother. I woke up to the sound of yelling and heard everything he said to my parents about me. Most of it were outrageous things. And the thing that hurt the most and reminded me of my childhood traumatic experience with my aunt yelling at my dad? That my parents didn’t stand up for me. Like how my grandma didn’t stand up for my dad. The anger I had towards my grandma since then until the day she died (and the regret I had towards my dad for not being strong enough to support him), and now I’m conflicted with the same scenario. Not only the hurt of the words and accusations my brother yelled out, but also the hurt and loneliness of not having anyone stand up for me.

How can they think that way about me? Even when I see their worst, I understand that they’re human, that of course family, who see them everyday, are bound to see the worst more than others. I don’t take it to heart and the day isn’t done before I find myself forgiving them and loving them again. I try all the more to understand them and find excuses even to justify their actions. But what has that done. Relationships won’t last even if one person tries their best. I’ve tried so hard to show my brother the love that siblings should have, one that he wasn’t able to see in my parents’ generation. I guess it didn’t show and all he sees are my failures and imperfections. I honestly never knew that he saw me that way. Because I could never see him in that light. If it was me, I wouldn’t have been able to talk so harshly about him. He is my little brother after all. Guess life doesn’t go the other way around.

It means the world to me when I see people standing up for each other. When my friends support me, when I see people love me like family even though we’re not blood related. After that happened, I used every opportunity I had to support my family. To stand up for them when they’re put down by others. To call a coworker who’s not distributing work fairly. To stand up for my dad when my mom and brother attack him with words. To tell my friends what amazing people they are. But this all messes it up. The meaning of family was destroyed back in Grade 5. And now again, I can’t help but think of the parallels. Is this family? Is this a safe place? I hear his voice and can’t help but break down in tears, shivering. It’s too similar. It hurts. It really hurts.

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