It’s been so long since I’ve posted. So many drafts in my history, unfinished posts that I just never got around to. I’d start and just didn’t have the time, energy, thoughts to finish them. So catching up with a TDLR summary of all the ones I wanted to post…life has been hard between then and now. However, there’s been a difference. I want to do life “right”. I’m doing more impulsive things (good and bad) but I’m starting to live life for myself and not others. I’m starting to learn to love myself and put my energy into relationships that are worth it, not relationships in which I invest too much into hoping for a return. The best impulsive decision so far was the one where I decided I’m going to do something about my life and went to Counselling Services and told someone that I was thinking of suicide. Since then, I found out more about depression and what I had.
Depression. What a depressing word. Once you say you have depression, people act different. They seem to be walking on broken glass around you, scared to “trigger” something or like you’re going to start bawling in front of them because you’re “sad”. Depressed are normal people. Anyways, I’ve been learning more about AA Alcoholics Anonymous recently. No, not because I’m addicted to alcohol. But I’ve learned that it doesn’t apply to just alcoholics. We can be addicted to things bad AND good. And I’ve come to a realization. I was (might still be) addicted to depression. There’s something scary about not having those self-deprecating and pessimistic thoughts when they’ve been there with me for a good 5 years. There’s something that is almost…comforting about worrying. I guess it’s like having control over your thoughts and predicting, knowing that you’re going to fail. As always. It’s much easier expecting the worst and expecting that you’re in the wrong. Trusting yourself and others is scary when human beings have such a high failure rate.
I’ve done the first steps of admitting it and wanting to change. Now how to change? How to do that full U-turn? Haha, I don’t have an answer for that yet. Still formulating it. Still exploring my path. But at least now I have hope that I’ll get out of this hole. Believing for me is the biggest step to take in my depression. Believing that life will get better. Believing that people will like me for who I am. Believing that I can forgive myself. Believing that there it’s worth holding out and trying hard for the future. Believing that I’m worth this journey. Because it’s true. I just have to believe it.