BEFORE: April 6th, MIA

Recently I’ve been MIA from blogging, from school, from friends, from family, and even from myself. I guess it’s the stress and anxiety that got to me. It’s a weird feeling. Like an out-of-body experience almost. I feel everything that’s happening in and to my body, but it’s disconnected from my thoughts. I don’t know if it’s the medicine, but I don’t think and worry like I did before, dwelling on the stress and anxiety. However, the physiological responses have increased. From stomach pains due to increased stomach acid, more frequent and intense migraine attacks to light-headedness and nausea. It seems like such a hassle to reply to texts and even just getting out of bed at times. And of course, interacting/arguing/discussions with my family drain the energy out of me that I just don’t have. Whenever it starts getting stressful, my body responds before the whirlwind of thoughts stare in my head now. Long story short, my body shuts down and I’m fatigued during the day, not wanting to do anything. Then, when it’s night, I lie there unable to sleep, thinking about everything. This Easter long weekend, I got some craft supplies so that I could distract myself and try to get some of that nervous energy into creative energy. It sort of worked… And yes, I had to refrain from beginning a new drama since finals are starting next week! Watching dramas and silly videos makes me feel brainless and I become so engrossed in their story I guess I kind of forget about mine. It lets me escape from reality for a while. And there are always little lessons of life I learn from them believe it or not!

Anyways, it seems like the medication helps. My marks are a lot better and I’m not fidgeting and anxious all the time. I can actually relax when it’s time to relax and on most days, it seems like life is going to be alright. It’s just that when it starts nearing exam time when it gets more stressful and I react like this. But all in all, I’m glad that I’ve been able to bear school. I still have a lot to improve on, such as social life and all…but one step at a time.

On a totally different train track…I met up with my best friend recently and a word popped up in our conversation about my future: investment. I am an investment. My parents have invested all their time and money into me. My mom gave up her job to take care of me full-time at home. My parents pay for my education, my hobbies, my everything. My parents even stay up with me when I stay up to study! And of course, all those chauffeuring back and forth from lessons and after school activities. And with a younger brother, all the time and energy and money multiplied by 2. Investments come with an expectation of profit. The disappointment of a negative return is much more with the investment of emotion and love as well. It’s not just money you’re losing, but essentially a whole good 20 years of care and nurture that seems to all have been for nothing. I want to be an investment that’s worth it. An investment that’ll make them look back and feel like it was all worth it. All the pain, tears, and hard work. If being a pharmacist will be a profitable return, I’m willing to invest MY all to ensure that it happens.

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