Chapter 2015, the 21st chapter

I saw this saying somewhere: “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present” by Lao Tzu. If that is correct, then I’m living in the past and the future…anytime but the present! But it is true. I’ve been allowing myself to dwell in my memories that it’s caused me to fear venturing to make new ones. So what’s my new year’s resolution for 2015? To allow myself to let go, to forgive myself of my regrets and truly let it go. To allow myself to be selfish at times, to spoil myself sometimes, and to be healthy. I’ve learned that to be able to fully relax and not worry about anything, even for a short moment, is a blessing. It may be important to work towards life’s goals and success, but what good is it if you’re unable to enjoy the results of your hard work?

So what about the chapters of my book of life that are already written? There are pages worn from all the revisiting, but no matter how many times I go back to it, I can’t edit history. I can’t throw it away either, so I guess I’ll put it up on the bookshelf in my mind just high enough out of my reach but where I can see it as a reminder out of the corner of my eye. A way I’ll work towards that is to remind myself that we’re all human, mistakes happen, and the best form of learning is from making mistakes to know exactly what NOT to do. I just hope that this new chapter won’t have too many big glaring mistakes!

Also, recently, it’s been really hard to restrain my mouth at times from saying the “words I would say” without a filter and make everyone hate me. It’s frustrating. When people don’t understand or misunderstand you, when you want to help or teach people but can’t or don’t know how to, when you DID try to say something but it’s just brushed off. I feel almost like giving up and not explaining myself because frankly I don’t really have the energy to care so much and they probably don’t care either, but there are certain things that I value and believe need to be said nonetheless. I guess I started off this year pretty recklessly with what I wanted or felt like I needed to say. Another life lesson learned the hard way. That’s all my book seems to be full of! Long story short, some other life lessons I’ve learned along the way are: gambling is going to empty your wallet and replace it with regret, drinking is going to ruin your liver and cause stupid things to be said that can’t be taken back, trust is risky but sometimes it’s worth it, drowning in worries may keep you from seeing the beautiful world around you, and lies will hang over your head like a cloud in rainy Vancouver.

But all in all, I’m looking forward to a new year, a wiser me, and more learning experiences to come in 2015! Have a blessed new year and let’s write stories that we can look back and read with a smile.

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