I just can’t.

How can I tell you that this family is what I believe made me to become what I’m like now? I’ve been thinking so much about why or what may have contributed to who I am today and these are some thoughts that came up over and over again. Did you really give me the freedom to choose what I want to do? Why “encourage” me so strongly to go into pharmacy? I know you do things for my good but I don’t even know if I made the right decision. You would tell me how it’s not a good idea to go into education, but that’s what I want to do. And all the cons just keep coming at me from your firing gun. Even though I plan to do an education degree after my pharmacy degree, there’s still disagreement. You say you didn’t pressure me and let me do what I wanted, that it was ok to do bad. But was it? When we were young, we’d receive gifts before we get the results. But did it lessen the pressure of doing well? If any, it seemed like I was expected to get a mark high enough to be worthy of the gift. Stress and pressure that you don’t think you’re giving me has become something that I’ve gotten used to putting on myself.

Dealing with anxiety and depression. When you told me how people who live with their grandparents in their childhood grow up to be more resilient, more emotionally stable, more confident…basically everything that I’m not, I just don’t have the heart to tell you otherwise. I know how hard you tried to bring me up in the best environment possible in the best way you were able to. Of course there’s a ton of things I’m thankful to you for and lots of positives about me that I can say was only because of you. But on the other hand, all my experiences with our extended family, all the conflicts and bullying, and other things on top of that have probably attributed more than enough to change some of the positives into negatives. Seeing a family who seems to only see each other’s wrongs, and act in ways that seem to be only able to be done by people who don’t have a heart or any emotions. In my own family, being yelled at and put down for almost everything I do. Everything I do seems wrong. It’s not good enough. It doesn’t appease them. All my choices are “different” or could have been better. Anxiety? Most of this stress comes from just wanting to “do the right thing”. But is “the right thing” even right? I’ve lived my whole life for them. I still am living for them. I feel pressured to do so much for them. It’s like they’re looking ahead for me to have a bright future and I’m supposed to achieve it. I have my own thoughts too. I know my own abilities and passions. I guess I feel trapped? I can’t even go against them anymore. I’ve tried and it’s just easier to do whatever they want you to. Better to have three people happy rather than me happy right? I can handle it. Or so I thought. It’s getting harder. But I’m so used to just accepting all the nagging “explanations as to why it’s a bad choice”, that I just let my heart take yet another blow. I have feelings too. Not everyone is like the family we had to deal with. It hurts every time you doubt my choices. Is there really something wrong with my thinking and logic? The more this happens the more I believe it myself. My self-esteem is off-the-charts low. Millions of thoughts run through my mind because everything I do seems to be wrong and I just want to do it right. I worry. I worry excessively about the things I do. The things that will happen. Yes there are times that I can do stupid things, but I can learn from it. You don’t have to try and “talk” me into the right way of thinking. I’m not stupid. I can think. I can learn.

There’s so much judgement that surrounded me since I was young. People talking behind the backs of others (about the bad things only of course), and everyone seemed against each other. Who wouldn’t become a people-pleaser, wanting to gain approval from everyone? People also say that I trust too easily and that’s shown even through this blog, sharing my thoughts with people I don’t know. I don’t know what people think of me when they read my blog, but it’s just an outlet my honest thoughts and opinion. Hopefully it can be something positive. Maybe it’s because of all this negativity that I’m trying to turn to more positivity. Sure, everyone has their bad side, but everyone also has a good side. I like the benefit of doubt. I know for a fact people can change. I want to tell you all this but I can’t. I just can’t bring myself to. The fear, not wanting to go into yet another argument, not wanting to blame you. I just can’t. Like most problems, the root cause has to be dealt with before healing begins. I don’t know how. It’ll probably start with telling you all this. Maybe someday. Maybe someday you’ll read this blog post. Maybe someday things will change. But right now, there’s enough going on in my life with school that I think just writing this blog post alone can help me better sort my thoughts out to deal with this as best as I can at the moment. The best song for this feeling right now is Can You Feel My World by Leehom Wang. And I really don’t blame you. If anything, it was our situation that made everything like this.

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